Lost Girls(35)

“Is your fever gone?” she asked, a cup of coffee poised at the edge of her lips. She wasn’t going to take a drink until she knew I was okay.

“Yeah. It went away last night, before I went to bed.”

“Good. You sure you feel okay to go to school?”

“Yes,” I answered quickly, fighting the panicked sensation that my chest was filling with ice, my throat tightening. I couldn’t stay home today, I just couldn’t. I glanced up at Dad, hoping to get some support but he stood with his back to me, scrubbing out the pan. Kyle watched me as if trying to learn my methods of manipulation. “I have a test in physics,” I said, which was true but not why I needed to be there. I needed to see Dylan. He hadn’t answered my text this morning and I had to make sure we were still on for our date. I didn’t even know the details of where we were going or when.

I might be going to a rave tonight.

My fork slipped from my fingers and clattered to the table.

“And I—um—I sort of, you know, have a date tonight,” I told them, not looking up, not wanting to see the expressions on their faces while they talked to each other without words. Mom would be raising her eyebrows, Dad would be tightening his lips, one of them would be thinking, no way and the other, well, maybe. But in the end, they always came to some sort of silent agreement. They argued about other things—where to take vacations, what cars to buy, what movies to rent—but they never argued about Kyle or me. At least not in front of us.

“Have we met this boy?” Dad asked.

The fact that he was asking a question was better than hearing no. “I don’t know. I’ve been dating him for a while, but I don’t remember if he’s been here or not.”

“He needs to come inside for a few minutes,” Mom said. “We have to talk to him.”

I swallowed nervously, but nodded. “Sure.”

“Be home by midnight.”

“Eleven thirty is better.”

I frowned. Seriously? Eleven thirty? I wanted to argue, but I knew this wasn’t the time or place. Maybe they’d let me stay out later next time. Or maybe— I glanced at Kyle, who was trying to keep a low profile. He’d said that I used to sneak out in the middle of the night to get high and drunk. So, obviously there was a way to get back out if I wanted. Maybe he knew how I used to do it.

“Okay,” I said, forcing a smile. “I won’t stay out late.”

...

The rest of the day was a blur. One class flowed into another, faces passed me in the hallway, assignments were given and forgotten almost immediately. Only a few things stood out: Molly meeting me at my locker in the morning, giving me a hug, and then blending in with the crowd, like she didn’t want to blow my cover; Dylan not being in first period, which might have meant that he was sick and we weren’t going on a date after all; Sammy, that head Dragon Girl with the grillwork, trying to get a reaction out of me by ‘accidentally’ slamming into me on the way out of class and knocking my books out of my hand.

Yesterday I would have flattened her, we both would have gotten suspended, and I’d have gotten grounded. But it wasn’t the threat of suspension or being grounded that stopped me. It was the memory of Janie sprawled in the street, me standing over her, alien emotions warring inside me.

I’d been tempted to kill her.

If that was the new me, I hated her. I wasn’t going to let her rule my life.

“Watch it!” I’d said to Sammy, elbowing her out of my way.

She’d glared at me, defiant, chin thrust out, disappointment in her eyes because I didn’t hit her. She’d been expecting a fight. I could feel her girls watching us from the other side of the room, and when I turned to look at them, their gazes shifted from Sammy to me and back again.

I wasn’t sure how or why, but it was obvious that she’d just lost their respect.

...

Dylan still hadn’t shown up by lunch and, despite all my earlier promises to myself, I wasn’t able to eat. I toyed with the pizza on my plate, stabbing it with a fork, moving it around, cutting off a bite but not lifting it to my mouth. Lauren sat beside me, chattering away, asking me if I liked her skirt, her shoes, her new Burberry purse, her eyes glittering as she sought my approval, her laugh nervous and high-pitched. Molly watched me from the edge of the crowd, a thin smile given whenever I glanced in her direction, as if our friendship was supposed to remain secret. Everyone who sat at my lunch table was acting different today, almost as if they were all taking drugs, something that amplified their personalities about a thousand times. The girls laughed, the boys pushed and argued with each other; they all slugged down cans of Red Bull and Coke and ate foods high in sugar and carbs. They seemed excited about something, something they didn’t talk about but it thrummed beneath every look and every word.

It seemed as if they all had something amazing going on later.

I thought I did, too, but since Dylan wasn’t here and I hadn’t heard from him, it looked like I was just going to be staying home. Playing video games with Kyle and his friends. Or worse, watching some RomCom flick with my parents.

“Why so blue?” Lauren finally asked when she’d run out of ways to try to impress me, after she’d bought me a chocolate milk—because I always got one at lunch, every day except today—and after she’d tried to get me to wear her earrings, the brand-new platinum diamond studs that she got for her birthday.