Lost Along the Way(27)

“Cara, you don’t have to be defensive. None of this is your fault.”

“I’m sorry,” Cara said, rubbing her brow. “I’m just so tired of being put down all the time. I shouldn’t take my anger out on you. At least not for this. There are other things I can be mad at you for, but you have nothing to do with this.”

“I meant what I said. It’s not your fault.”

“That’s not entirely true. I married him. That’s my fault.”

“Well yeah, that was your fault. Now you see why I couldn’t bring myself to stay at your wedding. Your husband is a f*cking *! Who gets that upset over a box of rice?”

“He’s gotten worse over the years. I don’t know what happened. It’s like he’s just become more and more controlling and now it’s to the point where I’m afraid to get dressed. I’m afraid to go to the store. I can’t get out of bed in the morning without him telling me that I’m doing something wrong. I feel like the air is being sucked out of my lungs.”

“Is that why you’re sleeping in the second bedroom?”

“You noticed?”

“Once again, hard not to.”

“Thanks for not saying anything yesterday.”

“I wasn’t sure how much longer I was going to be able to stay quiet.”

“You haven’t even been here for a day.”

“Yes, well, I never could keep my mouth shut.”

Jane took Cara by the elbow and led her over to the kitchen table. They sat in silence for a minute while Cara fidgeted with the cuffs of her shirt and Jane stared at the clock on the wall, searching for words. There was a time when she wouldn’t have had to censor what she said, but those days were gone, and the woman sitting in front of her didn’t seem to want to talk. Jane figured she’d wait her out. It wasn’t like she had anywhere to be.

“I’m so ashamed,” Cara finally said. “Everyone in town thinks he’s this great guy. That we’re a perfect couple. They’re like f*cking lemmings who just follow along behind Reed and the bullshit act he puts on every time he leaves this house. The other women think I wear these pearls every day because I’m trying to make some kind of Audrey Hepburn fashion statement, and I wear them because he bought them for me for our anniversary a few years ago and told me that he never wanted me to take them off. I thought he was kidding, you know? The next day I came down for breakfast without them on, and he berated me for an hour about how I take him for granted, how I’m unappreciative of everything he does for me, how I’m spoiled and assume that I deserve nice things when I haven’t done anything to earn them. It was so awful that I just kept them on after that. I mean, it’s not like they’re ugly or anything. I figured if it would keep him happy, and he’d leave me alone, I’d wear them. No big deal. That was five years ago. I’d have hanged myself with them by now if they were long enough.”

“I guess neither one of us were the best judges of character, were we?”

“No. And we thought we had it all figured out when we got married. We were young and stupid,” Cara said.

“Maybe you can claim being young and stupid. I was almost thirty. I should’ve known better. I clearly remember feeling like I’d won the lottery when I walked out of City Hall on Doug’s arm. Why couldn’t I see that he was a phony?”

“I saw it. You rushed into it, but you weren’t going to listen to anyone, and I wasn’t going to try to stop you. I knew it would’ve been a complete waste of time. You always do things on your own terms, for better or for worse.”

“This is very clearly for worse.”

“Yeah. I guess it’s always harder to look at your own life the way you look at your friends’ lives.”

“That’s why you didn’t see what I saw in Reed. Nothing I did was out of jealousy, Cara. I swear. I wanted to be happy for you, but it just made me ill to see you guys together. I knew you could do better. I don’t know how I knew, but I knew.”

“It’s too bad you didn’t have the same feelings for yourself.”

“Tell me about it. Maybe I felt pressure to keep up with you and Meg. I hated feeling like you guys were moving on with your lives, and I was just standing still. I hated feeling like you guys pitied me. I don’t think it’s why I got married, but I think it contributed to how quickly I said yes. If I’d waited, maybe I would’ve seen something. Now I’ve gone and f*cked up my entire life. I’m in no position to give advice to anyone.”

“I know there’s not much of a bright side for you, but at least now you can start over. Doug’s gone, but Reed’s coming home. I don’t know what I’m going to do,” Cara said. She suddenly seemed so small and vulnerable. It astounded Jane to think that she’d bought into Cara’s act and actually believed that everything was going well in her life. She should’ve known better . . .

“Why can’t you?”

“What are you talking about? I’ve been married for twelve years. There’s no starting over for me.”

Jane had an idea. This was not how she’d thought this was going to end up when she made her wildly impetuous decision to come out to Long Island, but circumstances had changed. There was a reason things happened this way—timing, fate, cosmic intervention, whatever you want to call it—and she wasn’t going to miss the opportunity. This time, she wasn’t going to disappoint her friend. “Let’s get out of here,” she said.