Lincoln in the Bardo(57)
Who is hearing it? I said.
Who is speaking to you now? said Mr. Vollman.
To whom do we speak? I said.
roger bevins iii
But he would not be silenced.
hans vollman
Tore away years of work and toil with each thoughtless phrase.
roger bevins iii
Father said it, he said. Said I am dead. Why would he say that, if it weren’t true? I just now heard him say it. I heard him, that is, remembering having said it.
We had no answer for this.
hans vollman
It did not, indeed, seem to us (knowing him as we now knew him) that Mr. Lincoln would lie about such a momentous thing.
I have to say, it gave me pause.
In my early days here, I only now recalled, I had, yes, for a brief period, understood myself to be— roger bevins iii
But then you saw the truth. Saw that you moved around, and spoke, and thought, and that, therefore, must be merely sick, with some previously unknown malady, and could not possibly be— hans vollman
It gave me pause.
roger bevins iii
I was good, the lad said. Or tried to be. I want to do good now. And go where I should. Where I should have gone in the first place. Father will not return here. And none of us will ever be allowed back to that previous place.
hans vollman
He was hopping with joy now, like a toddler too full of water.
Look, join me, he said. Everyone! Why stay? There’s nothing to it. We’re done. Don’t you see?
roger bevins iii
Purdy, Bark, and Ella Blow, within the window casement, went, in a triply blinding blast of the matterlightblooming phenomenon.
hans vollman
Followed quickly by Verna Blow, there below, unwilling to endure (as she had been made to endure, for so long, in that previous place) an existence without her mother.
roger bevins iii
I knew it! the lad shouted. I knew something was off with me!
hans vollman
His flesh seemed thin as parchment; tremors ran through his body.
roger bevins iii
His form (as sometimes happens to those about to go) began flickering between the various selves he had been in that previous place: purple newborn, squalling naked infant, jelly-faced toddler, feverish boy on sick-bed.
hans vollman
Then, with no change in size at all (i.e., while still child-sized), he displayed his various future-forms (forms he had, alas, never succeeded in attaining): Nervous young man in wedding-coat; Naked husband, wet-groined with recent pleasure; Young father leaping out of bed to light a candle at a child’s cry; Grieving widower, hair gone white; Bent ancient fellow with an ear trumpet, athwart a stump, swatting at flies.
roger bevins iii
All the while seeming quite innocent of these alterations.
hans vollman
Oh, it was nice, he said sadly. So nice there. But we can’t go back. To how we were. All we can do is what we should.
roger bevins iii
Then, drawing a deep breath, closing his eyes—
hans vollman
He went.
roger bevins iii
The lad went.
hans vollman
Never before had Mr. Vollman or I been so proximate to the matterlightblooming phenomenon and its familiar, but always bone-chilling, firesound.
roger bevins iii
The resulting explosion knocked us off our feet.
hans vollman
Squinting up from the floor, we caught a brief last glimpse of the pale baby-face, a pair of anticipation-fisted hands, an arched little back.
roger bevins iii
And he was gone.
hans vollman
His little gray suit lingering behind for the briefest instant.
roger bevins iii
XCII.
I am Willie I am Willie I am even yet Am not
Willie
Not willie but somehow Less
More All is Allowed now All is allowed me now All is allowed lightlightlight me now Getting up out of bed and going down to the party, allowed Candy bees, allowed Chunks of cake, allowed!
Punch (even rum punch), allowed!
Let that band play louder!
Swinging from the chandelier, allowed; floating up to ceiling, allowed; going to window to have a look out, allowed allowed allowed!
Flying out window, allowed, allowed (the entire laughing party of guests happily joining behind me, urging me to please, yes, fly away) (saying oh, he feels much better now, he does not seem sick at all!)!
Whatever that former fellow (willie) had, must now be given back (is given back gladly) as it never was mine (never his) and therefore is not being taken away, not at all!
As I (who was of willie but is no longer (merely) of willie) return To such beauty.
willie lincoln
XCIII.
There in his seat, Mr. Lincoln startled.
roger bevins iii Like a schoolboy jolting suddenly awake in class.
hans vollman
Looked around.
roger bevins iii Momentarily unsure, it seemed, of where he was.
hans vollman
Then got to his feet and made for the door.
roger bevins iii The lad’s departure having set him free.
hans vollman
So quickly did he move that he passed through us before we could step aside.
roger bevins iii And again, briefly, we knew him.
hans vollman