Lies (Gone #3)(77)

“Ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh!”

Before the FAYZ the ratio of success to failure in her life had been hundreds to one. Even in coping with her little brother, back then she’d been as successful as anyone could be.

But since the FAYZ the ratio had reversed. On the positive side she was still alive, and so was her brother. On the negative side there were too many failures to list, though she could recall them all, each and every one in painful detail.

“Ahhh ahhhh ahhh ahhh!”

She had intended to do so many good things. She had wanted to restart therapy and lessons for Little Pete. Failure. She had wanted to get the church fixed up and find some way for kids to attend on Sunday mornings. Failure. She had wanted to write a constitution for the FAYZ, create a government. Failure.

She had tried to stop Albert from making everything about money. She had failed. And just as bad, Albert had succeeded. He’d been right, she had been wrong. It was Albert feeding Perdido Beach now, not her.

She’d wanted to find a way to stop Howard from selling booze and cigarettes to kids. Wanted to reason with Zil, get him to act like a decent human being. Failure and failure.

Even her relationship with Sam had come apart. And now, he’d run away, abandoned her. Had enough, she supposed. Had enough of her and Little Pete and all of it.

Someone had heard it from someone else that Hunter had seen him leaving town. Leaving. Going where? The gossip machine had no answer to that. But the gossip machine was sure who was to blame: Astrid.

She had wanted to be brave and strong and smart and right.

And now she was hiding out in her home because she knew if she went out, they would all look to her for answers she didn’t have. She was the head of the town council in a town that had come close to burning to the ground.

It had been saved. But not by Astrid.

Little Pete fell silent at last. His blank eyes were focused on the game again. Like nothing had happened.

She wondered if he even remembered her loss of control. She wondered if he knew how terrified she was, how hopeless and defeated. She knew he didn’t care.

No one cared.

“Okay, Petey,” she said, her voice shaky. “We still have to go out. Walkie, walkie. Time to go and talk to my many friends,” she said sardonically.

This time he followed her meekly.

She’d meant to visit the burn zone again. To visit the basement hospital. To find Albert and find out how soon he would have food.

But out on the street she was surrounded within minutes, just as she’d known she would be. Kids came to her. More and more kids, until there were dozens of them, trailing her as she tried to make her way back to the burn zone. They yelled, demanded, insulted, pleaded, begged. Threatened.

“Why won’t you talk to us?”

“Why don’t you answer?”

Because she didn’t have any answers.

“Okay,” she said finally. “Okay! Okay!” She shoved at a boy who was in her face yelling about his big sister being missing, about her going to visit a friend. Over on Sherman.

“Okay,” Astrid said. “We’ll have a town meeting.”

“When?”

“Right now.” She pushed through the crowd, which surged around her as she led the way to the church.

Oh, Sam would get a good laugh out of seeing this. More than once he’d stood up at the altar trying to pacify a bunch of terrified kids. And she, Astrid, had watched, and judged his performance. And when the pressure of it finally got to be too much she had formed the council and tried to push him aside.

Well, Sam, she thought as she stepped onto that ruined altar, you can have this job back any time you like.

The crucifix that long ago Caine had used to crush a boy named Cookie had been propped up and fallen and propped up again. It now lay on a pile of debris. It hurt Astrid to see it there. She considered asking for volunteers to lift it again, but this was not the time. No, not the time for her to ask anything of anyone.

Edilio came in with Albert, but neither rushed to the front to stand in solidarity with her.

“If you guys will all sit down and stop trying to talk at once, we can have a town meeting,” Astrid said.

The response was loud and derisive. A wave of bitter words washed over her.

“Hey, the mall is closed, there’s no food!”

“No one brought any water down, we’re thirsty!”

“Hurt…”

“Sick…”

“Scared…”

And again and again, where is Sam? Where is Sam? Things like this happen, Sam should be around. Is he dead?

“As far as I know, Sam is fine,” Astrid said calmly.

“Yeah, and we can totally trust you, right?”

“Yes,” Astrid said without conviction. “You can trust me.”

That drew laughter and more insults.

Someone yelled, “Let her talk, she’s the only one even trying.”

“All Astrid does is lie and do nothing,” a voice shot back.

Astrid knew the voice. Howard.

“All Astrid can do is talk,” Howard said. “Blah blah blah. And most of it lies.”

The mob of kids was silent now, watching as Howard stood up slowly, stiffly, and turned to face the kids.

“Sit down, Howard,” Astrid said. Even she could hear the defeat in her tone.