Letting Go (Thatch #1)(48)
“I have no idea what you’re talking about!”
“I’m f*cking losing you,” he whispered, the soft, anguished tone hitting me hard enough to make me lose my breath. “I’ll do whatever it takes to help you through your grieving for Ben and what’s happening now. But you are slowly pushing me away more and more each day.”
“I’ve never pushed you away.”
He smiled weakly and nodded his head. “No, you never did . . . until now. I’ve seen you five times in the last eleven days, including the day you found the vows and today. Today is the longest I’ve spent with you. There have been days when I come over and you won’t leave your room or look at me; there have been times when you told me you were coming over after work and you didn’t show and never called. I had to call your mom to make sure you were even safe.”
I stared at him blankly, my head shaking quickly. “No, I—I don’t think . . .” I trailed off, trying to remember other times we’d seen each other.
“This is a hard time for you, I know that. But it’s been killing me to watch you shut down and keep me out.”
When I couldn’t respond, he turned and slowly went down the stairs, and I just sat there listening to the echoes of his steps as he walked across the open space below. I didn’t move for long minutes as I thought about everything he’d said and tried to remember those days he’d been talking about. I couldn’t, but I knew he was right. Because what I did remember from the last week and a half was all the time I’d spent thinking about Ben.
After crawling across the bed and standing up, I walked across the loft and down the stairs. Before I could get to the hall leading to the back rooms, I saw my phone on one of the couches and walked over to pick it up. After tapping out a quick message to my mom about not coming home tonight, I turned the phone on silent and dropped it back onto the couch.
Jagger was leaning against a wall in the main hallway when I turned the corner, his forearms were pressed to the wall as his head hung down to his chest. His head snapped up when he heard me walking toward him, and he slowly straightened to face me. His face and eyes were guarded.
Without saying a word, I reached out to grab one of his hands and turned to walk back the way I’d come. I didn’t let go of his hand until we were next to the bed and didn’t say anything until we were both lying on it, facing each other.
“I don’t want to shut you out,” I whispered. “I’m sorry I’ve been hurting you, but you have to know I would never purposely hurt you. It would kill me to lose you, Jagger, and I swear to you that you aren’t losing me,” I choked out, my voice breaking.
Jagger ground his jaw and wrapped one arm around my waist to pull me closer. “Okay, Grey,” he murmured as he pressed his lips to my forehead.
“I’ve always loved how protective you are, and I’m not just saying that because of what you or I said earlier. I love it; it’s comforting. I know you’d do anything to keep me safe, and I’m so thankful for that. I’m sorry that I used that against you, and I’m so so sorry that you’ve thought for one minute that I was taking myself away from you.” I curled my hands against his chest, and tried to fight back the tears stinging my eyes. “Everything has been harder since I first got the messages from Ben’s account. So many things have gone through my mind, and it makes everything so confusing. But that doesn’t mean I’m confused about you, or us. I love you and I want to be with you, and I need you to know that and not have any doubts. Because when you look at me, I know exactly how much you love me, and—”
Jagger pressed his mouth firmly to mine, cutting off my emotional rant, and I threw everything I had into that kiss. I needed him to know how much he meant to me, to see it when he looked at me and feel it in every kiss and touch we shared. I had spent so long blinding myself to him and keeping myself from feeling anything for anyone. After having this—having Jagger—I couldn’t ever lose him or go back to who I had been.
When the kiss slowed, I pushed myself away from him to slide under the comforter. He watched every movement like he was afraid to miss any of it, and when I was settled into his bed, he got up and kissed my forehead before jogging down the stairs. The lights went off and seconds later he was back and flipping off the lights in the loft. Pulling off his shirt, he let it fall to the floor before crawling back into the bed with me. With a murmured good night, he wrapped his arm around me again and pulled me close as we slowly drifted off to sleep.
Chapter 11
Grey
August 13, 2014
I RAN INTO the safety of my parents’ house from the summer storm, and tripped over myself as I worked at kicking off my shoes while simultaneously heading toward the stairs. Before I’d even hit the fourth step, my mom’s voice stopped me.
“Honey! You got something in the mail today.”
I stopped and let my head hang back so I was staring at the ceiling. “If it’s a bill, I don’t want it,” I grumbled even as I turned around and headed into the kitchen, where my mom was sitting at the table sorting through the mail.
“Not a bill.” She smirked as she handed me the large manila envelope, and I blew her an obnoxious kiss as I turned around to head toward the stairs again.
“I’m getting ready and going for a run!”