Keep Quiet(93)

“Ryan, you all right?” Jake tried again, but Ryan lumbered past him to the stairwell, his head still covered by the hoodie and his ears plugged with the earbuds.

Pam interjected, “Jake, please, let me talk to him—”

“Honey, I can talk to my own son. You can’t be my proxy, remember?” Jake hurried up the stairway after Ryan. Moose joined the chase, delighted at the new game, his toenails clicking on the hardwood stairs.

“I don’t want to talk.” Ryan kept walking upstairs. “I want to be alone.”

Pam hurried up after Jake. “Jake, stop, you’re going about it all wrong.”

Jake ignored her. “Ryan, unplug those things from your ears. Please, let’s—”

“No.” Ryan kept going, and Jake caught up with him, placing a hand on his shoulder as they both reached the landing.

“Ryan, I know you feel bad—”

“Dad, stop, you don’t know.” Ryan whirled around, yanking the earbuds from his ears. “I’m not blaming you and I’m not mad at you, that’s why I don’t want to talk right now. But I can promise you one thing for sure—that you do not know how I feel, either of you.”

Jake’s heart broke at the anguish on Ryan’s face, but there was a new tone in his voice, stronger.

Pam reached the top of the stairs, her fair skin flushed with emotion. “Ryan, please, just listen—”

“No, Mom. I was the one who killed her, not Dad and not you.” Ryan stabbed his finger into his chest with conviction. “I was the one everybody was hating on tonight, the one who took her from her friends, from Janine Mae and the rest of the team. And from her computer teacher and her mom, and her dad, and they both loved her so much they were in this big custody fight over her—”

Pam moaned. “Ryan, I know, but I’m worried about you—”

“Mom, it’s not about me. It’s about her. You want me to be happy, but can Kathleen? Can she? She’s not going to prom or the meet against Methacton. She won’t be going to college. She won’t even see the gym bags she wanted so bad. It’s not about me, in the end. I’m alive. She’s not. She’s dead, and I killed her.”

“But not on purpose—” Pam started to say, but Ryan cut her off with a hand chop.

“What difference does that make, Mom? Did you see her picture on the stage? And the one in the program? I killed that girl. So I want to feel horrible, I deserve to feel horrible. That’s fair, right? Me feeling horrible forever, because she’s dead forever.” Ryan paused, dry-eyed, seeming to gather strength from his own words. He backed toward the door of his bedroom, and Moose trotted beside him, his tail still wagging merrily. “You always tell me to take responsibility for my actions, and I am. I’m trying to. I can’t do it in public without Dad going to jail, but I can do it privately. So don’t freak out because I’m not happy. I’m not supposed to be happy. I’m supposed to feel exactly how I feel. It’s the least I can do. For her.”

Jake felt frightened. He had never seen Ryan this way, determined to self-destruct.

Pam sagged against the banister, stricken. “But Ryan, Caleb’s mom said that you were saying something about dying, that sometimes you felt so bad that you wanted to die.”

Jake turned to Ryan, horrified. “Is that true? Did you say that?”

“Of course.” Ryan almost smiled. “Of course. Honestly, I wish I were dead, not her. I wish I could give up my life for hers, right now. Maybe I can. Maybe I will. Nobody gets away with murder. Nobody.”

Pam gasped. “Ryan, no. It wasn’t murder—”

Ryan snorted. “How is it different, Mom? I’m not talking about some stupid legal definition. She’s dead, and I killed her. I deserve to die. I wish I were dead.”

“No, Ryan!” Jake cried out. “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that!”

“Leave me alone, go away.” Ryan reached his bedroom door, fumbled with the knob, and then turned back to face them. “Also Mom, tell your boyfriend to leave me the hell alone.” Ryan turned back, went inside his room with the dog, and closed the door behind him.

Jake faced Pam, angry. “What is he talking about, ‘your boyfriend’?”

“Jake, not now.” Pam raked her manicured hand through her hair.

“Yes, now. Tell me.”

Pam sighed, weary. She couldn’t meet his eye. “Dave wants to start seeing Ryan, professionally. Caleb told him what Ryan said, too. Dave thinks Ryan is becoming depressed and it would help to talk to him, as a therapist—”

“Are you kidding me?” Jake exploded. “Dave said that to Ryan?”

“To both of us, before the service. He’s only trying to help him—”

“Doesn’t that violate some ethical code? He was sleeping with you! Or is!”

“No, it’s over, I told you.”

“Then where were you last night? Did you go to him?”

“No, I stayed in a hotel—”

“Thank God for small favors!” Jake charged down the stairs. “The balls on this guy! Enough! I’ve had enough of Dr. Dave! I want him out of my life! Out of my family!”

“Jake, what are you doing?” Pam called after him. “Don’t go over there. You can’t. His wife is in town.”