Just Let Me Love You (Judge Me Not #3)(16)

“Here it is,” I say, breaking the silence, my voice cracking since we’ve reached my father’s final resting spot.

I am slightly nervous, having not been out here in so long, but I’m also somewhat soothed.

It’s been a long time, Dad. Shit, the things I’ve done.

“You used to come here every day?” Kay asks, breaking me out of my wandering thoughts.

“Yeah,” I reply, nodding as I shift my weight from one foot to the other. “I’d take the bus. The stop for the one that came out here wasn’t far from our apartment. I still had to walk a bit once I was dropped off. But I made the trip almost every day, for, like, forever.”

“Did it help?”

Kay looks over at me. Her sunglasses are up on her head again, but unlike earlier at the store, she doesn’t lower them to shield the sun.

She wants to see me; she wants to see my reactions. And she wants me to see her, so I know for sure she’s here for me.

“I don’t know if coming out here helped,” I hedge. “Maybe…but I really don’t know for sure.”

“You don’t know?” Kay chuckles. “Come on, Chase, be honest with me.”

I take a breath, and then I tell her the truth. “Okay. I don’t think it helped all that much. I was so lost back then, babe.”

I glance up at the stone angel; she’s as imposing as ever.

“What were you searching for?” Kay asks, her eyes on the angel as well.

“I was searching for answers.”

Kay reaches for me.

As I take Kay’s hand, I realize something. Under the watchful eyes of the looming stone angel, I no longer feel lost, not like I did back then. I’m not alone anymore. I have Kay with me, by my side, always, as things are meant to be.

I squeeze my love’s hand and smile.

Quietly, she asks, “What were you really seeking back then, Chase?”

With my free hand, I rake my fingers through my hair. “It’s not important,” I mutter.

But Kay’s not having any of my evasive shit. She frees her hand from mine and turns to me, making me face her.

“Chase,” she says. “I know that’s not true. Just tell me.”

“No judgments?”

“Never.”

“Just checking,” I say.

“Quit stalling.” Kay smacks my arm.

“Okay, okay.” Hand through my hair again. “I wanted to know why my dad left us. I used to question how he could end it all like that. I mean, shit, he had a wife who adored him and two sons who thought the sun rose and set on him.” I shake my head. “How does a man throw something that good away? Some people go through their whole lives looking for love like that, and I just don’t get it.” My voice cracks and Kay wraps her little arms around me.

“Chase,” she murmurs, her cheek pressed to my chest. “I wish I knew why people do the crazy things they do. If I could give you some answers, believe me, I would.”

“I believe you,” I whisper.

Looking up at me slowly, her caramels liquid and bleary with unshed tears, she continues. “People do desperate things when their lives are falling apart. Your dad’s world was in turmoil. I’m sure, though, through it all he still loved you.”

She’s told me that before, but I’m still in doubt.

“Yeah,” I bite out, “he sure had a shitty way of showing it.”

I have to pull away from Kay’s embrace; it’s too comforting. I can’t do comfort, not right now, so I walk away. I am determined to hang onto this anger. After all, it’s what I know best.

Kay, undeterred, is on my ass.

“He had his own demons, Chase,” she says breathlessly from behind me. Her steps become faster and faster as she attempts to keep up with me. “His failures led him to take his own life. What happened with your father had absolutely nothing to do with you…or with Will. You and your brother were just children, for God’s sake.”

Bitter tears I’ve left unshed begin to fall.

My steps slow.

Slow, slower…

And then I can’t go on.

I sit my ass down next to some random stranger’s grave and place my head in my hands.

“He was a f*cking prick to leave us like that,” I yell out. “He didn’t care that I still needed him, he didn’t care…”

Kay kneels down in front of me. “Chase, Chase, I’m so sorry.” Her hand is on my forearm. “You’re always trying to be so strong for everyone. You needed your dad back then, and you still need someone. Your dad isn’t here, but I am. Let me help you. Please, let me be here for you.”

Her hands go to my shoulders, urging me to raise my head and meet her soft gaze.

But I can’t.

“Please, Chase,” she continues, her hands shaking my shoulders lightly. “You’ve done so much for me. Let me be here for you.” She chokes back a sob. “Just let me love you. Please, baby, please.”

I finally find the strength to meet her gaze. “I do let you love me,” I tell her.

“So, let me love you more.”

That gets me smiling. And it makes me want to tease her some to lighten the mood. “What would all this extra loving involve, exactly?”