Je Suis a Toi (Monsters in the Dark #3.5)(37)

Trembling, Q placed his hands on either side of me, hemming me against the desk. His eyes shot black, dropping to my lips as the heart-stopping words spilled from his lips. “More than f*cking anything.”

“But…I don’t understand.”

“What’s there to understand? I’ve had a change of heart. I never wanted kids, and now…now, I want it more than f*cking anything because I love you. I want to multiply you. I want you pregnant with my, our child.”

Tears glossed my eyes. “But when we talked about it before you said—”

“I didn’t want this then.”

“So…what’s changed?”

His gaze devoured me. “Me, you. Us. Everything. Can’t I change my mind about such things?”

I wanted to look away but couldn’t. My skin tingled with intensity. “But I’m on birth control. The injection doesn’t fade for another few months.”

Q reared back, yet another secret inscribed on his face. “Tess—”

For a moment, anger heated me. What had he done? But then fear filled me instead. Pushing off from the desk, I followed him. “What is it? What do you know that I don’t?”

Was he infertile? Did he have a vasectomy before we met?

What?

Dropping his gaze, he muttered, “You’ve been off contraception for two months.”

I stopped breathing. “What?”

“The last appointment you had…” He stomped away, his voice full of emotion. “I know I shouldn’t have done it. But I wanted to see. I needed to see. If I got you pregnant, I would’ve been free to love you the way I have. I would’ve been f*cking ecstatic.”

I wrapped my arms around myself suddenly icy cold. “You had the doctor give me a placebo? Q…why would you do such a thing? What if I’d changed my mind and no longer wanted children? What if I was on contraception because I agreed with you about keeping our family just the two of us?”

Q froze. “You have every f*cking right to be angry at me.”

“Angry? I’m livid!” My hands balled. “You did that behind my back! For months, you’ve been feeling this way and only now you tell me? What would you have done if I had fallen pregnant, huh? Would you have told me that you deliberately knocked me up or lie about it being an accident? Would you have made me feel terrible for trapping you into something you didn’t want believing the injection failed?”

I couldn’t look at him.

Tearing past, I charged for the door. I needed some space, to get my head on so I didn’t say something I regretted.

But he didn’t let me.

His hand lashed out, fingers locking around my wrist. “You’re not going anywhere, esclave. You’re the one who wanted to talk.”

“Talk, yes. But not discover you’ve been lying to me for weeks!”

“I’m sorry for—”

“For not sharing this with me? Don’t you think this should’ve been discussed when you first started feeling this way? What on earth were you thinking, Q? How dare you tamper with my medical appointment!”

Served me right for using the doctor Q vetted and approved. Client confidentiality, my ass. Ugh, I felt so betrayed.

Q didn’t let me go, waiting for my temper to blow itself out. However, my mind filled with other complications. Worse complications. I stiffened as realisation kicked into me.

Q understood where my thoughts had gone. His shoulders slouched. “Now, do you get it?”

No, I didn’t get it. But I had a lot more questions trying to understand.

I hugged myself. “If what you said is true, and I’ve been off contraception for two months…why haven’t I become pregnant?”

His eyes glowed with agony, moving away from me.

It was my turn to chase him. “We’ve had a lot of sex since then, Q, with no protection. If it were going to happen, it would’ve happened by now.”

At least…I think?

How long did it take the chemical hormones to leave my system? Was my cycle capable of conception or screwed after using contraception for so long? And if it wasn’t, what did that mean? Was it just a time thing or was it something a lot, lot worse.

My heart squeezed as Q shook his head, his face tight and hard. I’d gone straight to the crux of his pain. The issue he’d been dealing with alone without talking to me.

He stormed away, pinching the bridge of his nose. “That’s what’s been f*cking with my head.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…what if our lifestyle—the way we have sex—means you can’t get pregnant? What if when I hurt you, your body refuses my cum because it’s nature’s way of preventing life from entering a world that’s so violent.”

“What? That’s insane.” I couldn’t stop rolling my eyes. “That’s the most stupidest—”

Slamming to a stop, he grabbed me. “It’s not stupid. It’s f*cking karma.” His fingers dug into my arms far tighter than required. “I’ve killed so many. I’ve hurt others. Been a f*cking animal.” He sneered at his hold. “See, I can’t even hold you without wanting to hurt you. What sort of home is that for a kid to be born into? It’s my fault you can’t get pregnant. I’m the one who whips you and does god-awful shit to you. This is my punishment for loving you so goddamn much but unable to give you everything you want because I take so much from you. I’m being punished because of the f*cked-up part of me I can’t control.”