Jacked (Trent Brothers #1)(17)
“I’m worried about you. Despite what you might think, I still care. If you need anything, you know, well—”
My hand shot out. “Save it. Just save it.” Self-preservation had me darting away from him as quickly as my feet would carry me. The last thing I needed was his pity. I headed toward our automated white-board to check our caseload instead, replaying the subtle nuances of our one-minute interlude, hating the part of me that still craved him. My mind was barraged with fragmented memories: his smile, his kiss, the feel of his hands roaming my body. How I tried so hard and failed so miserably. How the little he did give me just wasn’t enough.
I fought the urge to turn back, to glance his way just one more time to see if he’d had some magical change of heart and I was the one he truly wanted, but the emptiness I carried told me he may have been what I had wanted but he was definitely not what I needed.
After all this time, after all the tears I shed for him from how he’d broken my heart into tiny fragments, he still affected me. No, the quicker I could get away from him the better. My self-worth was more valuable.
Falling for him was such a huge mistake…
I heard another deep voice call out my name, this time making me flinch with nervous worry. Shit. Shit, shit, shit.
On command, I followed our Chief Resident Director, Doctor Sam Wilson, into his office; the fear of being in trouble quickly replacing lingering thoughts of broken promises.
“Have a seat,” he instructed in his no bullshit tone. Being under his direct tutelage for my entire residency, I was well-versed in his moods but still slightly intimidated by him.
“I’m surprised to see you on shift,” he started, giving me a lukewarm smile.
That made two of us, surprised, that was, by his line of questioning. If he mentions my almost arrest I was going to lose it. “Why wouldn’t I be here?”
He frowned at me. “Your family had a major setback last night, Erin. I consulted with Doctor Sechler.”
I’d seen plenty of people fired over the years for their poor work ethics so I felt I needed to justify—immediately. “I know and I’m sorry. I’m actually glad we’re meeting now. I had fully intended to discuss my behavior with you. I want you to know that it won’t happen again. I should not have frozen up like that receiving a patient. It was very unprofessional of me to let my team down like that and to allow personal familiarity to detract from my attention to the patient’s care—”
His hand flew up. “Whoa, Erin, stop. Everyone understands. This was a relative of yours, not some stranger. You’re not impervious, for God’s sake. No one is blaming you or thinking anything less of you.”
“But—”
“But nothing. It could happen to any one of us seeing a family member come in as a trauma patient, and considering the circumstances, you held yourself together better than most.”
I nodded even though I wholeheartedly disagreed, feeling the cold shock of tattered nerves seep into my fingertips. He eyed me as I wrung my hands.
“In my eighteen years in this position I have only had a handful of residents who have worked as hard as you do. In all honesty, I felt like a proud father when you completed your residency but you’re too hard on yourself. No one is questioning your leadership and dedication, especially not me, but you have to realize that you’re no good to anyone while you have a loved one two floors up in critical care.” With that, he crossed his legs, his telltale sign of getting down to business. “Have you checked in with Doctor Giffords yet?”
Shit. Chief neurosurgeon. Not good. “No, sir. I just got here.”
He gave me a superficial smile. I knew exactly what it meant. “I know this is a difficult time for you. I hope you can also use this experience and learn from it and expand your growing knowledge of TBIs.”
My nerves took another jump. If he only knew just how much experience I’d already had dealing with traumatic brain injuries after my sister’s accident, he’d be astounded. But that was another area of my personal history I kept tightly under wraps. After all, it was my fault it happened in the first place. If I hadn’t been so self-absorbed in my own problems, Kate would have never suffered.
“Don’t let your family’s loss be in vain.”
I gasped, unable to swallow. “Has he—?”
Again with the fatherly smile. “No, but things are not looking promising. Unless he makes an upswing in the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours, you and your family should probably prepare. Take some time off. I’m giving you permission to deal with the human side of medicine, Doctor.”
I shook my head vehemently. “I don’t need time off, sir. I have my interview with the Fellowship committee in three weeks and I need to be prepared. I need that fellowship, Sam. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
Doctor Wilson held up his hand again, halting me. “I’ve known that for years. It’s not new news. I’ve already sent in my letter of recommendation. Doctor Gaudet and Doctor Chanpreet have submitted theirs as well. Everyone knows how badly you want your medical toxicology residency, although I have to again say that I feel you’re making a big career mistake. You’ve never been too keen on sitting on your butt in the lab, Erin.” He drew in a leveling breath. “I know you have some personal goal here but I think you’re going to be miserable and I really wish you’d reconsider. The Assistant Director position we discussed is still on the table as an option, should you want to reconsider it. Continue to study toxicology on the side if it’s still your passion. It will only add to your value in emergency medicine. But honestly, I’ve watched you grow and thrive and I truly believe here is where your true calling is.”