Into the Water(87)

‘You thought what he did was OK?’

‘No, but I don’t think I saw it for what it was. What it really was. I thought rape was something a bad man did to you, a man who jumped out at you in an alleyway in the dead of night, a man who held a knife to your throat. I didn’t think boys did it. Not schoolboys like Robbie, not good-looking boys, the ones who go out with the prettiest girl in town. I didn’t think they did it to you in your own living room, I didn’t think they talked to you about it afterwards, and asked you if you’d had a good time. I just thought I must have done something wrong, that I hadn’t made it clear enough that I didn’t want it.’

Lena was silent for a while, but when she spoke again her voice was higher, more insistent. ‘OK, maybe you didn’t want to say anything at the time, but what about later? Why didn’t you explain it to her later on?’

‘Because I misunderstood her,’ I said. ‘I misjudged her completely. I thought that she knew what had happened that night.’

‘You thought that she knew and did nothing? How could you think that of her?’

How could I explain that? That I pieced together your words – the words you said to me that night and the words you said to me later, Wasn’t there some part of you that liked it? – and I told myself a story about you that made sense to me, that allowed me to get on with my life without ever having to face what really happened.

‘I thought that she chose to protect him,’ I whispered. ‘I thought she chose him over me. I couldn’t blame him, because I couldn’t even think about him. If I’d have blamed him and thought about him, I’d have made it real. So I just … I thought about Nel instead.’

Lena’s voice grew cold. ‘I don’t understand you. I don’t understand people like you, who always choose to blame the woman. If there’s two people doing something wrong and one of them’s a girl, it’s got to be her fault, right?’

‘No, Lena, it’s not like that, it isn’t—’

‘Yes, it is. It’s like when someone has an affair, why does the wife always hate the other woman? Why doesn’t she hate her husband? He’s the one who’s betrayed her, he’s the one who swore to love her and keep her and whatever for ever and ever. Why isn’t he the one who gets shoved off a fucking cliff?’





TUESDAY, 25 AUGUST





Erin


I LEFT THE cottage early, running upriver. I wanted to get away from Beckford, to clear my head, but though the air had been rinsed clean by rain and the sky was a perfect, pale blue, the fog in my head got darker, murkier. Nothing about this place makes sense.

By the time Sean and I left Jules and Lena at the Mill House yesterday, I’d worked myself up into a total state, and I was so pissed off at him I just came out with it, right there in the car. ‘What exactly was going on with you and Nel Abbott?’

He slammed his foot on the brake so hard I thought I’d go through the windscreen. We’d stopped in the middle of the lane, but Sean didn’t seem to care. ‘What did you say?’

‘Do you want to pull over?’ I asked, checking the rear-view mirror, but he didn’t. I felt like an idiot for blurting it out like that, not leading up to it, not testing the water at all.

‘Are you questioning my integrity?’ There was a look on his face I hadn’t seen before, a hardness I hadn’t yet come up against. ‘Well? Are you?’

‘It was suggested to me,’ I said, keeping my voice even, ‘hinted at …’

‘Hinted?’ He sounded incredulous. A car behind us hooted and Sean put his foot back on the accelerator. ‘Someone hinted at something, did they? And you thought it would be appropriate to question me about it?’

‘Sean, I—’

We’d reached the car park outside the church. He pulled over, leaned across me and opened the passenger door. ‘Have you seen my service record, Erin?’ he asked. ‘Because I’ve seen yours.’

‘Sir, I didn’t mean to offend you, but—’

‘Get out of the car.’

I barely had time to close the door behind me before he accelerated away.

I was out of puff by the time I’d climbed the hill north of the cottage; I stopped at the summit for a breather. It was still early – barely seven o’clock – the entire valley was mine. Perfectly, peacefully mine. I stretched out my legs and prepared myself for the descent. I felt I needed to sprint, to fly, to exhaust myself. Wasn’t that the way to find clarity?

Sean had reacted like a guilty man. Or like an offended man. A man who thought his integrity was being questioned without evidence. I picked up the pace. When he’d sneered at me about our respective records, he had a point. His is impeccable; I narrowly avoided getting sacked for sleeping with a younger colleague. I was sprinting now, going hell for leather down the hill, my eyes trained on the path, the gorse at the side of my vision a blur. He has an impressive arrest record, he is highly respected amongst his colleagues. He is, as Louise said, a good man. My right foot caught on a rock in the path and I went flying. I lay in the dust, fighting for breath, the wind knocked clean out of me. Sean Townsend is a good man.

There are a lot of them about. My father was a good man. He was a respected officer. Didn’t stop him beating the shit out of me and my brothers when he lost his temper, but still. When my mother complained to one of his colleagues after he broke my youngest brother’s nose, his colleague said, ‘There’s a thin blue line, love, and I’m afraid you just don’t cross it.’