Into the Water(81)

He tossed the nail to one side. I watched it bounce on the grass and come to rest against the wall.

‘What are you talking about?’ I said. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I’ll tell you. I will. Only …’ He sighed. ‘You know I don’t want to hurt you, Lena. I’ve never wanted to hurt you. I had to hit you when you came at me back at the house – what else could I do? I won’t do it again, though. Not unless you make me. OK?’ I said nothing. ‘This is what I need you to do. I need you to go back to Beckford, to tell the police that you ran away, you hitchhiked, whatever. I don’t care what you tell them – only you have to say you lied about me. You made all this up. Tell them you made it up because you were jealous, because you were mad with grief, maybe just because you’re a spiteful, attention-seeking little bitch, I don’t care what you tell them. OK? Just so long as you tell them you lied.’

I squinted at him. ‘Why do you think I would do that? Seriously? What the fuck would make me do that? It’s too late, in any case. Josh spoke to them, I wasn’t the one who—’

‘Tell them Josh lied, then. Tell them you told Josh to lie. Tell Josh that he has to retract his story too. I know you can do it. And I think you will do it, too, because if you do that, not only will I not hurt you, but,’ he slid his hand into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out the bracelet, ‘I’ll tell you what you need to know. You do this one thing for me, and I’ll tell you what I know.’

I walked over to the wall. I had my back to him, and I was shaking, because I knew he could come for me, knew he could finish me off if he wanted to. But I didn’t think he did want to. I could see that. He wanted to run. I nudged the nail with the toe of my shoe. The only real question was, was I going to let him?

I turned round to face him, my back to the wall. I thought about all the stupid mistakes I’d made on the way here and how I wasn’t about to make another one. I played scared, I played grateful. ‘Do you promise? … Will you let me go back to Beckford? … Please, Mark, do you promise?’ I played relieved, I played desperate, I played contrite. I played him.

He sat down and placed the bracelet in front of him in the middle of the table.

‘I found it,’ he said bluntly and I started to laugh.

‘You found it? What, like, in the river, where the police searched for days? Give me a fucking break.’

He sat quietly for a second and then looked at me as if he hated me more than anyone on earth. Which he probably did. ‘Are you going to listen or not?’

I leaned back against the wall. ‘I’m listening.’

‘I went to Helen Townsend’s office,’ he said. ‘I was looking for …’ He looked embarrassed. ‘Something of hers. Katie’s. I wanted … something. Something I could hold …’

He was trying to make me feel sorry for him.

‘And?’ It wasn’t working.

‘I was looking for a key to the filing cabinet. I looked in Helen’s desk drawer and I found it.’

‘You found my mother’s bracelet in Mrs Townsend’s desk?’

He nodded. ‘Don’t ask me how it got there. But if she was wearing it that day, then …’

‘Mrs Townsend,’ I repeated stupidly.

‘I know it makes no sense,’ he said.

Only it did. Or it could. At a stretch. I would never have dreamed her capable. She’s an uptight old bitch, I know that, but I would never have imagined her hurting anyone physically.

Mark was staring at me. ‘There’s something I’m not getting, isn’t there? What did she do? To Helen? What did your mother do to her?’

I said nothing. I turned my face away from him. A cloud passed in front of the sun and I felt as cold as I had in his house that morning, cold inside and out, cold all the way through. I walked over to the table and picked up the bracelet, then slid it over my fingers and on to my wrist.

‘There,’ he said. ‘I’ve told you now. I’ve helped you, haven’t I? Now it’s your turn.’

My turn. I walked back over to the wall, crouched down and picked up the nail. I turned back to face him.

‘Lena,’ he said, and I could tell by the way he said my name, by the way he was breathing, short and fast, that he was afraid. ‘I’ve helped you. I—’

‘You think that Katie drowned herself because she was scared I would betray her, or because she was scared that my mother would betray her – that someone would betray you both and then everyone would know, and she’d be in so much trouble, and her parents would be devastated. But you know that isn’t really it, don’t you?’ He bowed his head, his hands gripping the edge of the table. ‘You know that’s not really the reason. The reason is that she was afraid of what might happen to you.’ He kept staring at the table, he didn’t move. ‘She did it for you. She killed herself for you. And what have you done for her?’ His shoulders were starting to shake. ‘What have you done? You’ve lied and lied, you denied her completely, like she meant nothing to you, like she was no one to you. Don’t you think she deserved better?’

With the nail in my hand, I walked over to the table. I could hear him blubbering, blubbering and saying sorry. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ he was saying, ‘Forgive me. God forgive me.’