Instead of You(10)

My father picked us both up, and somehow we made it back over to the Wallaces’. There were a few more police cars parked on the street around their house, and some of the neighbors had come out of their houses, standing in their yards, watching, as if it were a spectator sport.

The door was slightly ajar and my mother gently pushed it open, calling out, “Chelsea?”

“Luce?” I heard Mrs. Wallace cry out, then I watched as the two best friends ran for each other, both sobbing. “They’re dead,” she cried. “My baby boy, he’s gone.”

I felt my father’s arm come around my shoulder, pulling me into his side. I looked up at him, saying, “Daddy, I don’t feel so well,” and then everything went black.





Chapter Four


McKenzie


When I woke, everything was still dark, but there was faint moonlight filtering in through a window. I blinked, trying to figure out where I was, whose bed I was in, when I heard rustling behind me. I turned my head, rolling fully onto my back, and could see the outline of a man. He turned in my direction, then started moving toward me. I sat up, ready to run, when I heard his voice.

“Kenz, it’s okay. It’s me, Hayes.”

“Hayes?” I was so confused. So many things were running through my mind at the same time that my head started to pound. “Why are you here? Where am I?”

He came all the way to the bed, sitting on the very edge next to my knees. “Did no one tell you?” he asked, voice heavy with sorrow. Suddenly, all the sadness came rushing back. I’d forgotten, but only for one moment, and I knew I’d probably never have that luxury again. There would most likely never be a moment in my life where I wasn’t painfully aware that Cory was gone.

“He’s gone,” I whispered, throat pinched painfully as tears threatened. “This can’t be real.” Arms wrapped around me in the dark and I was pulled into Hayes, my cheek pressed against his chest where I could feel his breaths stumbling out and faltering back in. He cried silently, never making a sound. What started as a soft cry, trying to comfort me, slowly melted into Hayes rocking back and forth, silently screaming, mouth gaping, and me being the one holding him.

His hands started as smooth waves across my skin, wrapping around me like a blanket, but soon they were clawing at me, desperately trying to sink into me, as if I were the only thing keeping him from slipping away.

When it seemed like the worst of the waves had passed, he pulled away, his body slowly drifting from mine, the space between us full of grief and sadness.

“I’m sorry,” he said, finally speaking after heavy dragging moments of silence.

“You don’t have to apologize,” I whispered even though I didn’t intend to. I wanted to sound strong, as if I meant the words with everything I possessed, because I did.

“Yeah, well,” he said, sighing as he stood from the bed, “I didn’t mean to come in here and disturb you.”

Looking around the dark room, I realized I still didn’t know exactly where I was. “Where am I? And how did I get here?”

“You’re in my bedroom.”

His words registered in my mind and I realized I must be in his bed. It was completely inappropriate the way my body responded to that thought.

I vaguely remembered feeling faint and my father taking me to the back of the house. He had started to head for Cory’s room, but I didn’t want to be there.

There had been so many lazy afternoons spent napping in Cory’s bed, so many late nights when both our parents thought I was at home when I was really lying with him. We’d fall asleep together, setting an alarm to wake us up before dawn so I could sneak back into my own bedroom. I was torn. His bed sounded like the only safe place in the world, but it also felt like it could be the saddest.

Hayes’s bed had been comfortable, until I’d realized its owner. Now it felt electric.

“I should probably go see my parents. They’re still here?”

“Yes. My mom….” I watched as his shadowed hand came up and ran through his hair. “She’s a mess.”

I didn’t want to go out there. “I should go out there.”

“Hey,” Hayes said as I started to stand up and regain my bearings. “Are you all right?”

I shrugged even though I didn’t know if he could see me. “I don’t know. One minute he was here. He was talking and breathing and living, and then someone I’ve never seen tells me he’s gone. It feels like a lie right now, like it can’t be possible.”

“Well, it’s not a lie, Kenz.” His voice was tinged with anger, but I didn’t think he was angry with me.

“I know. I’m so sorry.”

He let out a loud sigh, then said, “Come on, I’ll walk back with you.” He cracked the door and light slipped into the room, illuminating everything. I walked past him as he opened the door. His hand just barely brushed the small of my back as I passed, gently guiding me through the door. My breath halted as my lungs seized. It had been two years, almost to the hour, since I’d felt Hayes’s hands on me, and I’d forgotten their power, forgotten the way they’d lit me on fire. I’d never forgotten how guilty his hands had made me feel, but nothing could have prepared me for the shame of liking his hands on me in the wake of his brother’s death.