In Her Shadow(24)

He wanted to run, to escape, at least until he had a plan. But he couldn't. Not with his little Ava so sick.

He knelt beside the bed and took her hand. It was so small in his own, each little finger nail perfect, her skin warm and smooth compared to his rough callouses.

Britta put a hand on his shoulder. "How is she?"

"The same. Worse. I don't know." He meant to sound as strong and detached as he always did, but a small quiver crept through.

There came a shuffling from the hall behind them. Lucius glanced over his shoulder as the physician, carrying a large sack, came in. "Please, sir," he said and nudged Lucius aside. He knelt beside Ava and began to feel her, poke her. He opened her eyes with two fingers and moved a candle around as if looking into them. With every touch, every observation, the doctor grumbled under his breath.

"Doctor?" When the he didn't answer right away, Lucius balled a fist. He raised it, ready to strike the oblivious doctor. Britta touched his wrist, and Lucius lowered his arm.

"We should go," she said. "Let the doctor do his work."

"I want to be here if something happens," said Lucius.

"Go," the doctor said. "Otherwise you'll get in my way."

"Will she be okay?"

"Yes, but not if you prevent me from doing my work."

Lucius didn't like it, but he was too smart not to defer to the advice of an expert. He lurched away from the bed and out the door, Britta following close behind him.

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"We?"

"Yes. You seem upset. Wouldn't want you to fall on your sword. I heard you Regnal soldiers have a habit of doing that."

Was she kidding? He didn't dare turn around to see if her expression gave her away. "I'm not upset. I don't get upset."

She chuckled behind him. "Of course not, Dux Lucius. I'm sure sticking a sword to my throat was a decision rationally made with pure, cold logic."

"I said I'm sorry."

"And you're forgiven. But now you must beg my forgiveness again for lying to me."

Dux Lucius stopped mid-step. He whirled on her, grabbed her by the shoulders.

"I wish people would stop doing tha–"

Lucius shook her. Not hard, not threatening, but enough to get her attention. "What do you want from me?"

She blinked. Her red little lips parted in a way he found hard to look away from. Her whole expression was one of charming confusion – and he hated being charmed.

"What do I want?" she asked. "I want to be a wife to my husband."

"We're not married yet. Anyway, it's just a political exchange. A formality. You make it sound like you want something more than a life of comfort and wealth. You sound like–"

"I want to be involved."

"Why?"

"Because one day – maybe soon – I'll be Abbess of Night. I have to start taking responsibility. What better place to start than with my future husband?" She squirmed beneath his grasp. "Seriously. Let me go."

He released her. Lucius tried to find a reason to fault her, but couldn't. Britta wanted to do right by her people. For that, he could only respect her. A pang of guilt shot through him. Dammit. What would Shavana think? It was one thing to be idly attracted to Britta, but to admire her? Respect her? It was a betrayal of Shavana's memory. So he swallowed whatever attraction he felt for Britta and said: "Thank you. Thank you for finding Ava. I hope, in the future, we can–"

Britta pushed a finger to his lips, shushing him. He didn't understand why until she stood tiptoe and pressed her lips to his own. He let her. Some part of him, long trained to bury such grotesque displays of emotion, stirred. Britta's soft lips smooshed against his own hardness. She wrapped her arms around him, holding her warm body against his as their tongues met, twined and twirled. Lucius wanted to laugh. He wanted to cry. He wanted to cease, lose himself in that most secret void of her so that there was no more he or she, but one person between them. All this swirled around inside him, made him dizzy. Was he even breathing? Was she? He should do something, say something. And then, without thinking, he did.

He pushed her away.

They stared at each other, breathless.

"I'm sorry," Britta said. "You just looked so. . ."

"It's fine," he said, even though it wasn't."

"Really. I am sorry. It was inappropriate. I was out of line."

"No, really. It's fine." The idea of grabbing her and kissing her again to keep her from apologizing again flashed through his mind. Before the situation could become anymore tense, however, Valex burst through the door at the end of the hallway. "Dux Lucius! Dux Lucius!"

Lucius tensed, afraid of the worst.

"The doctor sent me. Ava's awake."

Without hesitation, Lucius broke into a flat run down the hall.

***

Britta wasn't exactly sure had just happened. Brain full of giddiness and apprehension, she rushed after her groom-to-be, following him towards his daughter's bed. What had she been thinking? She hadn't been. Lucius had looked like a man in need of comforting, so she comforted him. A kiss though? And he'd kissed her back, at first. Britta couldn't make sense of how she felt or why she'd done what she'd done. When she returned to the abbey, she would ask Weboshi–