If I Was Your Girl(63)

“Okay,” I said, gently putting a hand on her shoulder, “but are you still my friend?”

“Of course!” Anna said. “Just ’cause I’m grappling with the … the…”

“The metaphysics,” Layla said.

“With the metaphysics doesn’t mean I don’t still love you and Chloe like sisters!”

“That’s all I need to know then,” I said, falling back into my seat and sharing a smile with Chloe.

“I did do some reading though, online,” Anna said, turning to face me. “And if I ever do or say anything homophobic or transphobic, y’all just let me know, okay? And I’ll have a talk with the folks at church, Amanda, ’cause everybody loved you and I want you to feel comfortable coming back.”

I put my hand over hers and felt a prickling tenderness in my fingertips. “Thank you.”

“Of course she’s the one that gets thanked,” Layla said. “You and Chloe with your super-secret queer girls club—”

“Actually,” Chloe said, stifling a laugh and glancing at me, “I had no idea she was tra—”

“And Anna just mutters something about Jesus sort of loving you and suddenly she’s an angel and meanwhile I was there with you when your dad punched Grant—”

“Your dad punched Grant?” Anna said, her mouth wide.

“I pulled a loaded gun on Parker,” Chloe reminded nobody in particular.

“But who cares about Layla? No one, obviously! I’m just the girl with the car nobody gives a shit about, so why—”

“Layla!” I said. She stopped and glanced back at me. I hugged her from behind and kissed the top of her head. “You shush. You’re a treasure. Thank you guys so much.” I thought of Andrew then, that sad child who wanted desperately for someone to be a friend, for someone to understand, who never could have imagined a future like this. Who couldn’t imagine a future at all.

“That’s all I wanted,” Layla said, flipping her hair and giving a haughty look to the middle distance as she pulled into the parking lot. “Just, you know, some recognition of my grandeur.”

We all got out of the car and hugged. Anna and Layla had to rush off to an early student-government meeting, but Chloe and I had nowhere in particular to be for fifteen minutes.

“I wanted to say I’m sorry,” Chloe said as we sat cross-legged in the grass by the front steps. “For being jealous about Bee. I know you never liked her like that.”

I sighed. “No, not like that,” I said. “But I’m still sorry.” I hadn’t heard from Bee yet, and I wasn’t sure what it would be like when I saw her. Maybe she would try to apologize, try to be my friend again. But no matter what she said, I knew I couldn’t let her back into my life. What she did hurt me even more than Parker, even more than the assault in the mall bathroom, because I had trusted her. I knew now I would have to be careful with who I let myself get close to. But maybe that was a lesson everybody had to learn.

“Don’t apologize,” Chloe said. She plucked two long pieces of grass and held them between her index and middle fingers. “Really, don’t. It was just that you were new, and pretty, and you just came in and got everything you wanted, and then it felt like you took her too. And it was like everything was so hard for me, while it seemed so easy for you. But I know now that it ain’t that simple.”

I gave her a wry smile. “No. ‘Simple’ is not a word that has ever described my life.”

We sat for a few minutes in pleasant silence before I asked, “So I haven’t heard anything since homecoming … how’s your family been about the news?”

“My folks’re a work in progress,” Chloe said with a shrug. “My brothers sort of always knew, and they’re more or less okay. They say Bee’s lucky she’s a girl or they’d’ve run her over in our pickup for what she did at homecoming.”

“Misogyny saves the day?” I said.

“It’s all bluster,” Chloe said, letting the blades of grass get blown away by the wind.

“Chloe?” I said, looking around to make sure nobody was looking. “I’m going to do something now, as a friend, okay?”

“Okay,” she said, knitting her brows. I pulled her into a bone-crushing hug and kissed her on the cheek. “You are a f*cking amazing girl and whatever town you end up in, whatever girl you end up with, they’re all lucky to have you.”

“Thank you,” Chloe said, her cheeks bright red. She brushed off her jeans as we both stood up. “And you—whatever guy you end up with’ll be lucky too.” She slung her backpack over her shoulder. “Think it’ll be Grant? Is there any way?”

I checked the clock on my phone, stood, and shrugged as I picked up my own bag. “I have no idea,” I said. “But I guess I’ll find out today.”

*

As I made my way to homeroom, I kept my eyes locked on the glossy floor tiles, afraid to look up and make eye contact with my classmates. The bell hadn’t rung yet and the hallways reverberated with the sounds of sneakers on floor tile and slamming locker doors.

“Welcome back,” I heard a voice say, and looked up to see a mousy girl with cat-eye glasses gripping the straps of her backpack and smiling at me. She looked vaguely familiar, but I didn’t think we’d ever spoken before. I realized that even though I didn’t know her, she knew me, and the thought that she noticed I was gone—and that I’d come back—made me smile.