I'm Thinking of Ending Things(24)

While Jake and his parents were in the kitchen, I checked my phone. It’s dead. Probably for the best. I’ll deal with it in the morning.

When Jake’s mom returns to the table, she’s wearing a different dress. No one else seems to notice. Maybe she does this all the time? Changing outfits for dessert? It’s a subtle change. It’s the same style of dress but a different color. Like a computer glitch caused a small distortion to the dress. Maybe she spilled something on the other one? She’s also put a Band-Aid on the big toe that has no nail.

“Can we get you something else?” Jake’s father asks again. “Are you sure you won’t have some cake?”

“No, no. I’m fine, really. Dinner was amazing, and I’m stuffed.”

“It’s too bad you don’t like cream,” says Jake’s mom. “I know it’s a little fattening. But it’s tasty.”

“It does look good,” I say. I hold off correcting her about “not liking it.” It has nothing to do with liking it.

Jake hasn’t eaten his dessert. He hasn’t touched his fork or his plate. He’s resting back in his chair, playing with a strand of hair at the back of his head.

I feel a jolt, like I’ve been pinched, and realize, in shock, that I’m biting my nails. My index finger is in my mouth. I look at my hand. The nail on my thumb is almost half chewed off. When did I start this? I can’t recall, yet I must have been doing this all through dinner. I pull my hand back down to my side.

Is that why Jake was looking at me? How could I not have realized I was chewing my nails like that? I can feel a piece of nail in my mouth, stuck between my molars. Gross.

“Can you take the compost out for me tonight, Jake?” his mother asks. “Your dad’s back is still sore, and the bin is full.”

“Sure,” Jake replies.

Maybe it’s just me, but it feels like this whole meal has been a little weird. The house, his parents, the whole trip isn’t what I thought it would be. It hasn’t been fun or interesting. I didn’t think everything would be so old, outdated. It’s been uncomfortable since we arrived. His parents are fine—his dad especially—but neither is a great conversationalist. They’ve talked a lot, mostly about themselves. There’s also been some really long stretches of silence, cutlery scraping against plates, the music, the ticking clock, the fire popping.

Because Jake is such a good conversationalist, one of the best I’ve ever met, I thought his parents would be, too. I thought we’d talk about work and maybe even politics, philosophy, art, things like that. I thought the house would be bigger and in better shape. I thought there would be more live animals.

I remember Jake once telling me that the two most important things for quality intellectual interaction are:

One: keep simple things simple and complex things complex.

Two: don’t enter any conversation with a strategy or a solution.

“Excuse me,” I say. “I’m just going to pop into the bathroom. Is it just through the door?” My tongue is flicking at the piece of nail in my teeth.

“That’s right,” says Jake’s dad. “Like everything here, it’s just that way, at the end of the long hall.”

IT TAKES A SECOND OR two to find the light switch in the pitch black, running my hand along the wall. When I flick it on, a resonant buzz sings along with the bright white light. This isn’t the normal yellow light I’m used to in bathrooms. It’s white in an antiseptic, surgical way that forces me to squint. I’m not sure which is more jarring, the light or the buzz.

I’m much more aware of how dark the house is now that I’m in here with this light.

The first thing I do once I close the door is dislodge the chunk of nail from my teeth and spit it into my hand. It’s big. Huge. Disgusting. I drop it into the toilet. I look at my hands. The nail on my ring finger, like the one on my thumb, has been bitten down significantly. There’s blood around the edge where the skin and nail meet.

There’s no mirror in the vanity above the sink. I wouldn’t want to see myself anyway, not today. I feel like I have bags under my eyes. I’m sure I do. I don’t feel like myself. Flushed, irritable. I’m feeling the lack of sleep over the last few days and the wine from dinner. The glasses were big. And Jake’s dad filled them repeatedly. I’ve had to pee for half an hour. I sit down on the toilet and feel better. I don’t want to go back out, not just yet. My head is still achy.

After dessert, Jake’s parents jumped up, cleared the table, and headed to the kitchen, leaving Jake and me alone. We sat without talking much. I could hear his parents in the kitchen. Well, I didn’t hear them, not precisely. I couldn’t make out words, but I could hear their tone. They were arguing. It seemed something was boiling over from our dinner conversation. It was a heated argument. I’m glad it didn’t happen in front of me. Or Jake, for that matter.

“What’s going on in there?” I asked Jake, in a whisper.

“In where?”

I flush the toilet and stand. I’m still not quite ready to go back out there. I survey the details around me. There’s a tub and a shower. The rings are on the shower pole, but there’s no shower curtain. There’s a small wastebasket. And a sink. That seems to be it. It’s all very neat, very clean.

The white tiles on the walls are the same color as the white floor. I try the vanity mirror. Or where the mirror should be. It opens. Besides one empty prescription pill bottle, the shelves inside are bare. I close the vanity door. The light is so bright.