I See You(61)

‘I did work at the Telegraph. Then they …’ he breaks off, rolling away from me and staring up at the ceiling. ‘They let me go.’ I can’t decide if the shame I can hear in his voice is because he lost his job or because he’s been lying to us.

‘Why? You’ve been there for – what? – more than twenty years.’

Simon gives a hollow laugh. ‘Exactly. Out with the old and in with the new. A younger workforce. Cheaper. Kids who don’t know what the subjunctive is, but who can blog and tweet and upload content to the website in the blink of an eye.’ His voice is bitter, but there’s no real fight in his words, as though the battle is long since lost.

‘When did this happen?’

‘At the start of August.’

For a second I’m struggling for words. ‘You were made redundant four months ago, and you said nothing? What the hell have you been doing all this time?’ I get out of bed and walk towards the door, then stop and turn around, not wanting to stay, but needing to hear more.

‘Walking around, sitting in cafés, writing, reading.’ The bitterness creeps into his voice again. ‘Looking for jobs; having interviews; being told I’m too old; worrying about how to tell you.’ He won’t look at me; his eyes trained resolutely on the ceiling. Deep grooves form across his forehead. He is broken.

I stand watching him, and gradually my anger begins to disappear.

‘What about money?’

‘They gave me a redundancy package. I hoped I’d find something fairly quickly; I thought I’d tell you when I’d sorted it all out. But it went on and on, and when the money ran out I had to use credit cards.’ When he finally looks at me I’m shocked to see his eyes are bright with the beginnings of tears. ‘I’m so sorry, Zoe, I never meant to lie to you. I hoped I’d have it sorted in no time, and I’d be able to surprise you with a new job; carry on looking after you the way you deserve to be looked after.’

I move to sit next to him. ‘Shhh, it’s okay,’ I say, like he’s one of my children. ‘It’ll all be okay.’

Simon makes me promise not to tell the kids.

‘Justin already thinks I don’t pay my way. He doesn’t need any more reason to hate me.’

‘We’ve been through this,’ I say. ‘It’s me he’s angry with, not you. He blames me for the divorce; having to move from Peckham, leave his friends.’

‘So tell him the truth. Why should you take the blame for something that wasn’t your fault? It’s been ten years, Zoe, why are you still protecting Matt?’

‘I’m not protecting Matt, I’m protecting the kids. They love their father; they don’t need to know Matt cheated on me.’

‘It isn’t fair on you.’

‘It’s what we agreed.’ It was a deal that made us both liars. I agreed never to tell the kids Matt had cheated, and he agreed to pretend he didn’t love me any more; that the decision to separate was mutual. I sometimes wonder which of us found the bargain harder to keep.

Simon leaves it. It’s a battle he knows he won’t win. ‘I want to get back on my feet before we tell them. Please.’

We agree to tell Justin and Katie that Simon has arranged to work from home full-time, so he doesn’t have to leave the house each day; staying out till after five, drinking cups of coffee he doesn’t want, in cafés he can no longer afford. When he tells me he’s been living off credit cards I feel sick.

‘Why did you keep buying me presents? Taking me out to dinner? I’d never have let you do that if I’d known you couldn’t afford it.’

‘If I’d stopped you’d have wondered what had happened; you’d have guessed. Thought less of me.’

‘I could have paid my way, if we’d have gone out at all.’

‘How do you think that would have made me feel? What kind of man lets a woman pay for dinner?’

‘Oh, don’t be ridiculous! It’s not the fifties.’ I laugh, then realise how serious he is. ‘It’ll be okay, I promise.’

I just hope I’m right.





19


‘Are you sure you did the right thing?’ Lexi said. She hoisted Fergus out of the bath and wrapped him in a towel, before passing him to Kelly (‘make sure you dry between his toes’) and doing the same with Alfie.

‘Yes,’ Kelly said firmly. ‘Zoe Walker had a right to know.’ She sat her nephew on her lap and rubbed his hair vigorously with the towel, making him laugh.

‘Won’t you get into trouble?’

Kelly didn’t say anything. She’d been thinking about it ever since she picked up the phone to Zoe Walker. Unable to get it out of her head, she’d come to Lexi’s in search of distraction, ending up telling her the whole story. ‘There we go, all clean and dry.’ She bent her head close to Fergus’s and inhaled the sweet smell of warm skin and talcum powder. Zoe had been grateful to Kelly for keeping her in the loop, and Kelly had told herself that in itself justified her actions.

‘Do you want to stay tonight? I can make up the sofa bed.’

Kelly loved Lexi’s house. It was an unexciting red-brick semi-detached on an estate filled with cars and wheelie bins, but inside it was warm and cosy; a stark contrast to the bedroom waiting for her in Elephant & Castle. Kelly was sorely tempted.