I Belong to You (Inside Out #5)(26)

“Absolutely everything. I had no right to drag you into my hell—and once I did, I couldn’t seem to stay away from you. I even blamed you for my lack of control, because no one sees me the way you have. No one, Crystal. I had to get control over myself. And that meant control over my addiction to you.”

“Addiction?” I’m shocked that he would ever use such a word, let alone in reference to me.

“That’s right—and I don’t have addictions. But I don’t know what’s real right now, and that’s not fair to you. So I presented you with a contract last night, knowing how you’d react.”

I swallow the knot in my throat. “I see,” I manage softly.

He scrubs his jaw. “No. No, you don’t see. I want you, Crystal. No. It’s more than that. I need you—and I’ve never felt that way about a woman; not even Rebecca. You have no idea what guilt that creates in me. Maybe I’m displacing the emotions I had for her to you, which would make me an *. I don’t know. I just know that I’m not in a place that’s fair to you. And since I couldn’t seem to do the right thing, I went to your office to make you hate me so you would. So I couldn’t get the chance to hurt you.”

Everything hard inside me melts. Here is the man I’ve fallen for, the one capable of honest emotion, no matter how damning it might be. I step forward, closing my hand around his shirt. “Come inside before my neighbors hear us.”

His feet are set hard, his body unmoving. “No. I want you too much to be able to come in and not touch you.”

“Good,” I whisper.

He grabs my wrists, warmth climbing up my arms at his touch. “You’re not hearing me. I’m going to hurt you if we keep going like this.”

“Don’t give yourself so much credit, and me none,” I chide.

“Crystal,” he says softly, as if he knows that I’m deflecting so I don’t have to admit the truth. Because he’s right. He is going to hurt me—but it’s too late to turn back now.

I lace the fingers of my other hand with his, relieved when he allows me to lead him inside. He shuts the door and locks it, leaning against it as I had, and still fighting his emotions.

The torment in him is familiar. It is how he comes to me, perhaps even why he comes to me. And like him, it is my weakness. Perhaps he senses how familiar the emotion is to me. Perhaps that emotion is the true bond between us, one destined to carve me into pieces. I’ve begun to think Mark is my drug, a high that has consequences, but I can’t seem to care.

I step to him and he reaches for me, lacing his fingers into my hair. My skin tingles at his touch and then his mouth is on mine, his tongue stroking into my mouth. In one hot lick, he has me moaning; in two, I’m melting into his hard body, my fingers reaching for the buttons of his shirt.

He reaches down, his fingers wrapping my wrists, tearing his mouth from mine as he holds them between us. “This isn’t about one night anymore, Crystal. If I stay, I won’t walk away again. I’ll try to own you,” he warns. “I want you that badly.”

Own me. I don’t know why there’s a burn in my belly at the words I’ll never allow to be fulfilled. He’s using me to survive the loss of Rebecca, and when I’m with him, there’s no room for the juggling in my head. “You won’t ever own me, Mark. But I can handle you trying.”

“You didn’t think I could make you tell me to lick your * in that bathroom, either. I’m demanding, and I’ll push and push, and push some more. I’ll put you on your knees because I can. I’ll make you beg because I can.” His hands go to my shoulders. “I’m going to ask for more than you ever thought you would give.”

Yes. Please.

Oh God. What is he doing to me? “And if I won’t give it to you? Then what?”

“I’ll find a way to convince you.”

“I have limits,” I say, unsure why I can’t just say “no.”

“I’ll erase them.”

“You’ll fail.”

“I won’t fail.”

“That’s arrogant.”

“It’s confidence.”

We stare at each other, and it’s like looking into a mirror. I see how he controls what he can to compensate for what he can’t. And how that means he needs to control me, so I won’t control him. We’re two people who seem to everyone else to have blessed lives, but both of us live in glass houses, captive to the same stone. And that stone is a trauma in our pasts.

I don’t want to be captive to that stone anymore. I don’t want to win the battle over my limits. Life can be gone in a moment, lost to fear and regrets.

I push away from him. “In the hallway outside your parents’ apartment, you said that I decide what we do or don’t do.”

“Yes. Convincing you doesn’t mean forcing you. You can always say no.”

“You’ll just change my mind,” I say, and it’s not a question.

“Yes,” he agrees.

Those words, coupled with his honesty tonight, allow me to give him a pebble of my trust. I’m not ready to let go of my stone. And I’m not sure I will, if he doesn’t let go of his. But he’s let me see a side of him that I don’t believe anyone else has. I haven’t abused that trust, and it’s time to find out if I’ll get the same in return.