How to Find Love in a Book Shop(79)

He took Finn out to the skatepark, a million thoughts whirling round his head, not sure how to make sense of them, but knowing that he needed to, and that somewhere there was an answer. He didn’t just have to stumble along, making mistakes, doing things he didn’t want to, at the will of everyone else.

Suddenly everything seemed so clear in his mind: what he wanted from life. He wanted the chance to be a good husband to the woman he loved and had never stopped loving. He was a good father, he knew that, but he wanted to be a father in a proper family, not a single dad kicking a football or standing in the skatepark.

What would she say? How could he convince her he had changed? He had no proof, except for the fact that he felt different. That someone – Emilia – had, without knowing, shown him the way. Mia would laugh if he tried to explain it. She would think he was trying it on, trying to get his feet under the table because it suited him.

He had to ask her. He had to man up and fight for what he wanted. His wife and his child to be together with him. He’d learned by his mistakes. He wanted responsibility and security.

He picked up a couple of takeaway pizzas for him and Finn from the corner shop on the way home. They scoffed them in the kitchen, not even stopping for plates, eating them right out of the cardboard box.

Jackson was in the middle of tidying the kitchen when Mia got back from her bike ride. She looked exhausted.

‘Are you OK?’

‘Fine,’ she said brightly, and looked askance at the remains of the pizza, one eyebrow raised in disapproval of its fat and carb content.

It was now or never, thought Jackson.

‘I miss you.’

Mia blinked. ‘What?’

‘I miss you. I miss us. I don’t understand, why I’m stuck in a caravan with my mum – much as I love her – and you’re obsessed with …’ he waved a hand in the air, ‘driving yourself into the ground with all that fitness and healthy eating. We should have gone out today, as a family.’

She crossed her arms. She looked away. She looked as if she was going to cry. Eventually she looked back at him.

‘But we’re not a family any more, Jackson.’ She walked away to put the kettle on, turning her back on him to indicate the conversation was over, and Jackson felt a lurch of disappointment. So much for being brave.

He sighed. ‘Oh.’ He frowned. ‘Is there … someone else?’

He imagined some sinewy cycling fanatic planning endless bike rides on a fitness app.

She gave a bark of laughter. ‘No. No, there isn’t. I don’t want somebody else, Jackson. I’m trying to figure out who I am, after everything you put me through. Build a new life.’

Without him in it. That much was clear.

He nodded. ‘OK …’

He walked out of the kitchen and went to find Finn, who was playing on his Wii in the lounge.

‘See you soon, mate.’ He hugged his son to him. As long as he had Finn, that was all that mattered. If Mia couldn’t find it in her heart to forgive him for his transgressions, that was fair enough. But he was still Finn’s dad. She couldn’t take that away from him.

He walked back to the kitchen to say a final goodbye. Mia looked up, startled and guilty. She was eating a piece of their cold pizza as if it was the last slice on earth.

‘Bye,’ said Jackson, resisting the urge to say something cutting. Because he didn’t feel bitter. He just felt sad. But he thought perhaps the pizza showed a chink.





Twenty

Bea took Emilia out for breakfast to tell her what she and Bill had decided.

Emilia was feeling terrible. She hadn’t felt right since her wild swim with Marlowe. She was fighting off a cold, but losing. She ordered eggy sourdough with roasted vine ripened tomatoes to give her some strength. Bea was feeding Maud discs of banana.

Emilia scooped the froth off her cappuccino. The café roasted its own coffee, and she always swore never to drink instant again when she came in here.

‘There’s something I need to tell you.’ Bea finished her granola. ‘I didn’t want to say until it was definite, but I’m going back to work. In London. I got the official offer through this morning.’

‘Oh.’ Emilia tried to look happy for her. ‘That’s a bit of a life change.’

‘Bill’s going to work from home and have Maud when I’m in London. We both realised we’d got our lives the wrong way round.’

‘But I need you!’ Emilia was joking, but she realised she had become dependent on Bea’s vision and advice. She really valued their friendship.

‘I know. But I can still help you with the shop. It was getting involved with you that made me realise how much I miss work.’

‘If I stay open.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘It all seems like a bit too much effort at the moment.’

Bea punched her arm. ‘Shut up! I won’t listen to that negativity. You’ve got plans, Emilia!’

Emilia couldn’t be bothered to argue. Her throat was on fire and her head throbbed. So she just smiled. She was happy for her friend. Of course she was.



By Sunday, she felt like the walking dead. Emilia wanted nothing more than to stay in bed, but she was scheduled to spend the day rehearsing with the quartet. The wedding was getting closer and closer. She stayed under the duvet as long as she could get away with, then scrambled into her clothes without having a shower and rushed to the village hall.