How to Find Love in a Book Shop(27)

There’s got to be something better out there for us, he thought.



He walked back into Peasebrook with Wolfie, then along the main road that led to Oxford. Eventually he reached the small cul de sac of houses where Mia and Finn lived. And where he had once lived. It had been one of Ian’s most lucrative projects, a mix of executive four-beds and the low-cost housing he was obliged to build as part of the deal. The homes that only locals were allowed to buy. It was one of the reasons Jackson remained loyal to Ian, because he’d let him have one of them cheap. Ian had flashes of generosity, though there was usually something in it for him. This had been an act of pure selflessness, as far as Jackson could make out, though he was always waiting for Ian to call the favour in. He was convinced one day he’d have to get rid of a dead body.

Of course, Jackson’s plan had been to get his hands on something that needed doing up. A project for him and Mia. They could make some money on it, sell it on and buy something bigger. Keep doing that until they had a total palace. But then Mia had got pregnant and they’d needed a place of their own quickly, somewhere suitable for a baby. You couldn’t bring a baby up in a building site.

So it had been a compromise. Nevertheless, Jackson had been proud to get on the property ladder. He remembered Mia’s face when he led her over the threshold. They were pretty little faux mews houses, built in imitation of the weaver’s cottages traditional in the town. He’d chosen everything off-plan: the pale blue Shaker kitchen, the silver feature wallpaper in the lounge, the pale green glass sink in the downstairs toilet. Mia had been speechless.

‘Is it ours?’ she had whispered. ‘Is it really ours?’

Now there was no ‘ours’ about it.

He knocked on the pale cream front door. He remembered choosing the colour and being so proud. Mia answered. Her dark curly hair was tied back; she was wearing a baby pink sweatshirt and grey yoga pants and eating a low-fat yoghurt.

‘Can Finn come out for a bit?’

She sighed. ‘Don’t you ever listen? He does tae kwon do on Tuesdays. At the leisure centre.’

Jackson nodded. ‘I’ll walk over there and pick him up.’

‘It’s OK. I’ve got it covered. The coach is bringing him back.’

‘I can tell him not to worry—’

‘No. He’s bringing me some protein powder for my training.’

‘Training?’

‘For the triathlon. I was supposed to be going for a swim, but …’

Mia had become a fitness freak since he’d left. She was obsessed. Jackson thought she’d lost way too much weight. Her curves had gone; she looked angular and her face had lost its softness.

He looked at her. On closer inspection, she seemed positively drawn.

‘Are you OK?’

She looked startled. They never expressed concern for each other in their current relationship. They avoided the personal.

‘Course,’ she said. ‘Just – you know – wrong time of the month.’

She’d always suffered. He used to make her tea and hot water bottles and rub her back. Before he’d become a total twat. He opened his mouth to commiserate or console her but wasn’t sure what to say. Anything seemed too personal now, to this woman who had become a stranger to him.

She spooned in some more yoghurt, still on the doorstep, no intention of asking him in.

‘You didn’t come to Parents’ Evening.’

Her voice had that horrible accusatory edge. He was glad he hadn’t sympathised.

‘What?’ He frowned. ‘When was it? You didn’t tell me.’

‘It was last Thursday. I shouldn’t have to tell you.’

‘How am I supposed to know?’

‘By taking an interest?’ She glared at him. ‘You never have a clue what he’s doing.’

‘I have.’

‘Really? What’s his topic this term, then?’

Jackson couldn’t answer.

‘Vikings, Jackson. It’s Vikings.’

He sighed. ‘I’m a loser, Mia. We know that. You don’t have to prove it.’

‘It’s a shame for Finn, that’s all.’

‘We have a laugh. Finn and me. We have a great time when he’s with me.’

‘It’s not all about the laughs.’

He looked at her. When had she become so bitter? And why?

‘Are you happy?’ he asked suddenly.

She looked startled, as if he’d caught her doing something she shouldn’t.

‘Of course.’

‘Really? Only happy people don’t try and make other people feel bad.’

She looked away for a moment. Jackson couldn’t tell what she was thinking. He never could. Since Finn had been born, he felt as if the real Mia was somewhere else.

When she spoke, he could hardly hear her.

‘I’m just tired, that’s all.’

That was what she used to say when he was with her. She was tired all the time.

‘It must be the training. It’s no wonder. Give yourself a break, Mi.’

He stepped towards her. He wanted to give her a hug. Tell her it was going to be all right. But she sidestepped him.

‘I’m fine.’ She gave him a half-smile. ‘The training’s what keeps me going.’