How We Deal With Gravity(79)
“So, Mason’s leaving tomorrow,” I say, starting our most difficult talk yet.
“He is,” my dad says, chewing, but keeping his eyes on me, waiting to dissect my reaction. I don’t have one though—I almost feel emotionless. “You okay with this?”
“I am,” I say, my stomach fluttering with my own doubt. “It’s better this way. I have to focus on school and Max.”
“Hmmm,” my dad says, sitting back and wiping at the corners of his mouth with his napkin. He folds his arms and sucks in his top lip—that’s his tell, and I know he doesn’t believe me. “You know, it’s okay to mess up baby girl.”
I’m not sure what he means, and my natural instinct is to be defensive. I hold my breath and bunch my brow. I’m unsure what to say, so I just shake my head, and my dad chuckles softly.
“I’m not talking about Mason. I’m talking about you. You have yourself locked into this pattern—and if everything doesn’t fall into place every second of every day exactly how you have your blueprint set—you take it out on yourself,” he says, pausing to let me catch up. I nod to let him know I’m listening.
“I have to,” I say, my eyes tearing up from the pressure building in my chest. I don’t do failure well, and even talking about missteps fills me with anxiety.
“Bullshit,” my dad says, slapping his hand on the table, causing me to jump. “Life is full of things that don’t go according to plan, Avery. And Max needs to learn how to make adjustments for those things. I’m sorry, but you not letting the spontaneous things in life happen isn’t good for Max. And baby girl, it’s going to kill you!”
“But what if he hurts himself? What if someone hurts him when he’s angry or frustrated? What if I can’t be there to calm him down?” I’m crying hard tears now, my body shaking; my dad reaches across the table, clutching my hands in his, forcing me to look him in the eyes.
“That’s life, Avery. And you can’t always be there. That’s why he needs to learn about life’s peaks and valleys now, while you’re here to guide him,” my dad says, shaking my hands against the table, literally trying to shake reason into my body. “You love Mason, and Avery, he’s a good man. He’s real, and he’s going to drop the ball sometimes, and he might make you have to make some hard choices, make some changes in your life. But don’t give up on your own happiness just because you’re afraid it’s too damn hard to have. Because Ave, you only get to have right now once in your life—there are no re-dos, there is no going back and doing right now again. You get this once, and you can take a chance on it, or live regretting you didn’t. I can tell you what, though…the Avery that takes a chance on her own happiness is going to be a hell of a lot stronger for Max than the one that gives up.”
I’m too terrified to cry, but my insides are holding on, just waiting for the sobs to come pouring out. “I don’t know if I can do this,” I say, my voice cracking with my own fear.
“Go,” my dad says, his lips tight, and his face daring me. My legs are wobbly as I try to stand, and my hands shake as I reach for my purse and pull out my keys. “Girl, I can’t drive you, so you’re going to have to pull yourself together. Just breathe—and go tell that boy you love him, and you’ll see him soon.”
I nod yes and race through the door, dropping my purse open on the porch, spilling the contents everywhere. I shove everything back inside, and toss it in the passenger seat of my car, firing up my engine and actually peeling out of the driveway when I leave. My heart is thumping in my chest, and it races faster and faster the harder I press my foot on the pedal. The streets are quiet, and the main drag is dead on a weekday night, so I don’t even bother to stop at the four-way stop between my neighborhood and Barb’s. I circle through her apartment complex, but I don’t see Mason’s car, and panic fills me.
“Ben’s!” I think, slamming the car in reverse, and pulling back out on the main road through town. Ben is closer to the city, in a rougher part of town, so I slow down as I get closer, careful to watch for any other drivers. I recognize Ben’s car out front, so I know which small house belongs to him, but I don’t see Mason’s car anywhere. I keep the engine off and I wait, like I’m stalking him in the dark. Minutes pass, and not a single car drives down Ben’s road—nothing to even give me hope. I’m about to give up when a light flicks on at the side of the house, and the side gate swings open. I get out of the car without even thinking, just hoping it’s him.
“Mason?” I say, my voice a loud whisper.
“Oh shit! Damn, Birdie. You scared me,” Ben says, and my heart literally explodes with disappointment.
“Is Mason here?” I ask, my mouth watering with the need to be sick.
“Nah, he took off an hour or two ago with Matt and Josh. They had some things to take care of, and I think they were going out for a while, meeting Kevin and one of the bands we’re leaving with tomorrow. You need something?” he asks, and I don’t know what to say. I need Mason. I just stare at my phone, considering calling him, but I can’t help but note the shakiness of my fingers as I slide them back and forth over the phone screen. My whole body is shaking, so badly that I have to hold myself up against Ben’s car.