Hold My Breath(55)

I nod slowly, knowing she’s right.

“I started to suspect something during his last visit. They had spent more time together—alone—and Evan wasn’t taking my teasing well. There was this serious feel to everything, and when I confronted him on it, asking him point blank if he had slept with her, he punched me in the face,” I say, the memory of that impact still fresh.

“Jesus,” Maddy whispers, her eyes fall to my chin, and I see her throat gulp.

“Then…on Christmas Eve,” I begin, having to look away from her for the rest of this, if I’m going to be able to tell her my nightmares. “We were getting packed and ready for the trip, and Evan was like this simmering man. He clearly was lost somewhere else, ignoring half of the things I said, not answering Mom’s questions when she yelled down the hall, mumbling to himself. He was short with me, and the longer that went on, the more pissed off I became. I think maybe I knew it was something like what he eventually confessed, but that just made me angrier, like he had no right to be mad if he was the one who f*cked up so badly, ya know?”

I glance to Maddy, but she doesn’t react. Her eyes are locked on the space in front of me, on nothingness, and she’s chewing at her lip and her arms folded over her chest, like she’s holding herself here and forcing herself to listen. She almost knows it all, so I finish, giving her every last detail of the facts that have haunted me for more than four years now.

“It came to a head when we were boarding. Our parents were finishing loading a few bags, and Evan and I were prepping the cabin when I told him he was acting like a real dick. That’s when he told me that he’d ‘messed up real bad.’”

Her eyes shoot to mine, and the sadness behind them guts me. I shake my head slowly, wanting to fix this. I know I can’t, though. “I asked him what that meant, and he said he’d slept with Tanya, and she called him last week and told him she was pregnant. He was going to do right by her, and marry her. I hit him harder than he hit me the few weeks before. His nose just bled and bled, and my mom yelled about how I was ruining Christmas. My father looked at me with disgust, and Evan just sat there and cried. I hated him so much for that, for just wallowing in his own mess and sitting there like the victim. He told my mom finally that we had been arguing, and it was his fault, but she blamed me—I’m the one who escalated things. My dad was furious when we took off. He wasn’t focused.”

I gnash my teeth and turn my body back toward the lake, away from Maddy. My hands are fists in my pockets, and my insides hurt as if they’re on fire. There it all is for her—all of my ugliest secrets, guilt I live with every day. Fucking torture.

Bending down, I pick up another handful of rock, letting the silt filter through my hand until only the flattest, sharpest stones are left. I throw them one at a time, but they’re too light to do any real damage. They skim the water once then lose to the current, falling to the bottom again. I repeat this futile act several times, my mind bouncing from my life before I knew everything, to the reality I live with now, to the one I just gave the girl I’d do anything to protect.

“I didn’t want you to ever find out,” I say, throwing the last handful of stones across the water then bending down to wash the dirt from my hand.

“Why?” she rasps.

My chin falls to my chest and I raise my shoulders.

“Because the ignorance seemed so much safer, I guess,” I glance to her. Her eyes don’t quite meet mine. “Either way, my brother is gone. And I guess I just thought the lie of his memory was so much more comforting to live with.”

Her jaw moves and her lips grow tighter with her swallow, her hands squeezing at her elbows, wrapping around her body.

“I want to meet him,” she says.

I take that request in, put it in my mind and play it out. No matter the scenario, her meeting Dylan hurts. That boy has to fight just to stay alive, and her seeing him means her seeing Tanya, and Tanya…she’s a victim, too.

“His mom never knew about you,” I say, turning to face her. “She still doesn’t.”

I have kept so many of Evan’s secrets.

Maddy’s hands loosen their grip, and slowly her fingers slide from their hold on her elbows, falling to her sides as she turns her feet to me.

“I need to meet them,” she says, her mouth still and quiet, her eyes unflinching as they stare into mine. I breathe with her, and I fight against my instincts. I know it won’t make anything better for her, but I also don’t think I can keep secrets or say no to this girl any longer.

“Okay,” I say, nodding lightly. “Maybe when we get back from Cleveland…”

“I’ll take you all to the airport,” she interrupts.

My head falls to my shoulder, and I pull my mouth in on one side.

“I don’t think that’s the best way,” I say.

Maddy steps closer to me, stopping when we’re near enough to touch, her arms folding over her chest again as she lifts her chin and looks me in the eyes.

“I don’t care,” she says, holding my gaze long enough that I can tell she means every word. She walks away seconds later.

And I let her go.





Chapter Twelve





Maddy





Maybe Will was right. I was a happier person when I was ignorant to the awful truth. I haven’t been nice at practice this week. I have, however, been fast. I’ve matched my best time in three sprints, and my dad keeps gloating about my consistency, about the strides I’m making to peak at just the right moment.