History Is All You Left Me(90)
“Oh my God,” Ellen says, shaking her head. “No. No. You cannot do this to yourselves. Theo’s death isn’t your fault. Griffin, unless your voice mail was some sort of hypnosis trick where you convinced Theo to walk into the ocean, then you’re not to blame.”
“Right,” Russell says. “Same for you, Jackson. No one ever expected you to go running in there to save Theo. He was in danger, and you could’ve drowned, too. Theo’s death was an accident and unpredictable.”
“We play the blame game, too, I promise,” Ellen says. “What if we never sent Theo to school on the West Coast? What if we put him in better swimming classes when he was younger? We will drive ourselves crazy forever coming up with new what-ifs.”
“Leave that insanity to us,” Russell says.
“I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling guilty,” I say.
“That’s because you love Theo, wherever he is,” Ellen says. “All three of you. You know this already, but you have to live for him, and you have to love for him.” Ellen eyes me and Wade, probably because we’re significantly closer to each other than we are to Jackson, and there’s so much space here that we could man-spread if we wanted to. “You’re not supposed to be stuck. Do not feel guilty for falling in love again.”
“It’s scary and the last thing on my mind right now, but I doubt I’ll ever be ready for that,” Jackson says.
“Whenever you’re ready, that’s the right time,” Ellen says.
“Might even happen before then,” I say. I turn to Wade and take his hand in mine, locking fingers with him. I’m scared to look up, but he squeezes back and gives me strength. Both Ellen and Russell are grinning and nodding. Their approval means the universe to me, because I know they want what’s best for you, and if they can see that me moving on is a beautiful thing, then I trust that’s how you would’ve felt, too.
Ellen and Russell tell us how we’re very much family. The three of us are their extended children, and we’re all older siblings to Denise. We call Denise back into the room and set up her new Wii out here and play the racing game with her.
I don’t know when I’ll see your parents or sister next. Maybe next month around your birthday I’ll stop by and bring something for Denise. But it’s good to know I’ll be welcomed back.
“I’m visiting Theo’s grave today,” Jackson says after we leave your building. “I was planning on coming out for his birthday, but I think I’m going to stay home and try to figure out what’s next for me. It’ll be nice to have a little one-on-one time with him.”
“Is that your way of making sure we don’t invite ourselves to tag along?” I ask, wrapping my arm around Wade’s.
“A little bit,” Jackson says.
We try to convince him to have lunch with us, but he’s dead set on having his Theo time before having to meet up with Anika and Veronika tonight to try and repair their friendship. Jackson invites the two of us out to California in April for spring break, and looking that far ahead in my almost-relationship and in general is sort of scary, but not overwhelming.
“Is it okay if I hug him again?” Jackson asks Wade.
“He’s not the boss of me,” I say, stepping into Jackson’s arms. I hug him like the brother I never had, like the brother I would’ve never slept with if I’d known I’d one day be calling him a brother of mine. “Thanks for everything, Jackson. I don’t even want to think about where I would be if I couldn’t turn to you. That Alternate Universe Griffin is pretty fucking screwed.”
“Well, that Alternate Universe Jackson isn’t exactly living his best life either,” Jackson says, stepping back. “If you don’t stay in touch, I’m going to have to fly back out here and harass you, and I’m not sure if Wade is going to be a huge fan of that.”
“He still won’t be the boss of me by then,” I say.
“That’s what he thinks,” Wade says.
“Go easy on Theo,” I say. “And yourself.”
“Back at you,” Jackson says.
We hail Jackson a cab. With one last wave, he’s gone. I really don’t know when I’ll see him again, but I promise you, Theo, that we’ll continue taking care of each other, and that I’ll never turn my back on him again.
Saturday, January 6th, 2017
“I don’t know why I agreed to go back to school.”
Thank the Creator of All Universes that Wade is a kind, bored soul who is spending his Saturday morning helping me catch up on missed assignments.
“I think we both know why,” Wade says, pointing at himself. “Solid life choice, by the way.” He is lying across my bed, finishing my math homework—don’t judge me, I can’t possibly do all of this by myself. Team Mountain, remember? His elbow touches my hip, and if this were us months ago, we would’ve shifted away. Now I inch closer to him.
I’m letting my playlist run wild, and after I put the finishing touches on my history report about World War II, I turn to Wade. “Done.” I lie down next to him, knowing I can trust nothing too sexual is going to happen because we’ve left the door open. It sucks, but I’m happy Wade and I aren’t having sex for a while. Our beginning was pretty rocky, so we need a fresh start. This means earning our relationship.