History Is All You Left Me(76)

On the 4 train to Union Square, Theo and Wade talk about Netflix shows. I feel invisible and voiceless. I’m sitting opposite of Theo and Wade, and they’re both laughing away like it’s totally normal how Theo and I don’t fit anymore. It reminds me of the early years of our friendship, when Theo and Wade were the best of friends and I was the odd man out, this add-on they were auditioning for their squad. I’m shrinking back into an eleven-year-old desperate to prove himself, desperate to show Theo I could be really helpful when he’s putting together puzzles, desperate to be caught up on all the latest cinematic scores so Wade would think I was cool.

Screw this.

We get off at Union Square, and while we’re waiting for the L train, I stand between the two of them, getting in Theo’s face.

“We need to talk.”

“Griff . . .”

I turn to Wade. “I need ten minutes with him. Alone.” Wade tries protesting, but I grab Theo’s hand and drag him down the platform, stopping underneath the staircase. “Okay, we need to cut the shit here for ten minutes. Can you do that? Can you give me complete honesty for ten minutes, and then we can go back to playing dumb?”

Theo looks like he might cry. He pulls out his phone. I’m about to remind him there’s no service down here—he hasn’t been in California that long that he could possibly have forgotten this already—but he sets a timer for ten minutes and starts it.

I wouldn’t have set a timer. I want an entire life where I’m honest with him without repercussions, but since I offered ten minutes, I’ll take what I can get. “Are we still endgame?”

Theo nods, shakes his head, shrugs, and freezes. “I don’t know.”

“Do you know if you still love me? Or have I been completely delusional about everything between us?”

“You’re not delusional,” Theo says. “I do love you. But I love Jackson too.” It’s the first time he’s told me he loves him. I filled in that blank myself, but it’s still more painful even than the first time he told me they had sex. “I don’t know what to do. You broke up with me, Griff. We kept talking, but I didn’t know what your goal actually was. I thought maybe you were over me. Jackson was there, and I liked him.”

I nod. My body is on fire. “Should I bow out?”

“No, no. I mean. I don’t know. It’s not fair for me to make you wait,” Theo says.

“Will it suck for you if you know I’m not here waiting for you?”

“Yeah.” Theo nods. “I know that’s selfish, but you want the truth.”

It is selfish.

An express train on the other side of the station rockets past us, keeping us quiet and staring at each other. I’m tempted to grab his hand again, this time to hold it, but I feel rejected before I even reach out. When the train passes, Theo asks me if there’s someone else.

“Of course not.”

“You don’t have to lie if there is. I would get it.”

“I don’t lie to you,” I say. “Let’s say I move to California for school. What happens then? Do you break up with Jackson?”

“Probably.”

I haven’t loved a possibility like this in so long. I’ve been loyal to my love for him, and if I can hold on for a little bit longer, we might get our endgame after all. Theo is willing to throw away everything he has with his convenient boyfriend, who was “there.”

“Okay. I miss you so much,” I say.

“I miss you too,” Theo says. “I keep walking to Jackson’s right. There have been times I expect to see you, and it’s like a punch to the face.”

He holds out his hand for me and I take it, of course, but I don’t expect him to pull me in for a kiss. I doubt kissing me was part of Theo’s agenda today. It doesn’t matter. Kissing is what we do for the next few minutes until the timer blares its alarm in his pocket, vibrating against my leg. I don’t want to stop, but Theo lets go of my hand and backs away.

“That’s all taboo, right?”

“Yeah. We’re back to playing dumb now, Theo.”

Theo walks around the staircase to find Wade. I follow him, feeling a lot like I did on my birthday—sad but also a little victorious because he sent me a gift. When the L train arrives, I imagine it being the same train where Theo and I first came out to each other.

Thursday, August 11th, 2016

It’s been a pretty lonely summer. Theo was only here for two weeks. But there were more than a few times I couldn’t stomach hanging out with him because of how often Jackson would text and call. Wade kept busy with parties and job hunts, but now he seems adrift, too, trying to salvage what’s left of freedom before we enter our senior year. I’m counting down the days until I’m out in California with Theo. Granted, a part of me isn’t counting on actually being with Theo when I get there. I’m not that unrealistic.

Now Wade and I are sitting on Wade’s bedroom floor. We’re bouncing his handball back and forth, listening to the Iron Man soundtrack.

“You still feel like breaking up was the right move for me?” I ask him.

“Yeah,” Wade says. “I know you don’t feel that way.”

He’s right. I’ve asked myself that same question over and over, every morning when I wake up without a text from Theo, every night when I go to bed wishing I could video chat him to say good night, and my answer is never yes. Not when I’m being honest with myself.