Highly Illogical Behavior(58)

“Have you talked to him?” she asked instead.

“Once.”

“Is he okay?”

“I think so. It was brief.”

“Clark, look, I . . .”

“Do me a favor, Lisa?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t apologize.”

“Okay,” she said, not used to this kind of assertiveness from him.

“Good,” he said. “Let’s figure us out later.”

“What do we do about Sol?”

“It was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen,” he said. “He just lost it.”

“I’m such an idiot,” she said.

“You were supposed to change your mind.”

“I was?”

“Yes!” he raised his voice. “My God.”

She’d never heard him talk to her like that before, with so much disappointment and anger in his voice. It actually frightened her a little to see this side of him she didn’t know was there.

“I guess I gave you more credit than you deserve,” he said. “Now I’m an *, too.”

“Wow, thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” he snapped.

“I don’t know what happened,” she said. “I got so caught up. And then Janis said . . .”

“You know she hates me. Why would you listen to her?”

“I don’t know,” she blurted out, hiding her face in her hands.

“And even if you were right, do you think I’d cheat on you? It’s like you forgot who I was or something.”

“I thought we were figuring us out later?”

“Maybe there’s no hope.”

“For us?”

“For anyone,” he said. “I’m betting Sol’s not any better off than he was a week ago, and I could tell just by his voice that he was barely hanging on.”

“Shit,” she said quietly. “I am an *. I’m a total *.”

“You’re not a total *.”

“I accused you of cheating and I thought you were gay.”

“Only one of those makes you an *,” he said. “I should’ve realized you felt left out. Honestly, I just didn’t think you cared that much.”

“Why wouldn’t I care?”

“Because, like I said before, all you think about is leaving.”

“In a year.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t want to spend the next year with someone who’s just going to leave and forget about me.”

“I want you to come with me,” she said. “Have you even looked at any schools yet?”

“No,” he said. “I like it here. I don’t even know if I want to go to college anywhere.”

“Oh. Well, why all the water polo then?”

“Because I like it,” he said, frustrated. “And I’m not worried about how every little thing I do is going to get me out of here. That’s your thing, not mine.”

She just looked at him for a second, wishing he’d take it back and say he’d been secretly applying to colleges in Maryland or DC. But instead, he looked away from her as soon as their eyes met.

“Did he tell you he loved you?” she asked.

“Sure did.”

“And?”

“And it was weird, okay? It made me so sad. I bet this kind of shit happens all the time.”

“Probably,” she said. “You’re so . . . I don’t know, happy around him. Like, not bored and complainy like you are around your other friends.”

“Thanks,” he said. “Doesn’t make me gay.”

“Of course it doesn’t.”

“Look, I get it. It’s not crazy. It’s just frustrating. You know me. I didn’t suddenly start keeping secrets overnight. He’s my friend. He’s our friend. I was just being his friend back.”

“I think you’re the only reason he ever went outside,” she said. “Like if he got better, then maybe you two could . . .”

“How could you possibly know that?” he interrupted. “They were digging a damn hole in the backyard before we ever showed up. I didn’t do anything to help him.”

“Yeah, well, that makes two of us.”

A quiet fell over the room after she’d said it—that kind where you’re sure the other person is going to say something you don’t want to hear.

“We can’t just show up over there, can we? And hope he doesn’t freak out?” Clark asked.

“No,” she said. “At least I can’t.”

“I’m not going without you.”

“I’m so confused. Are we still together?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “You’re the one who wants to be a shrink. You telling me all this doesn’t seem a little like self-sabotage?”

“You’ve spent too much time around me.”

“I listen. Even when you think I’m not.”

“I love you, you know?”

“Lisa,” he said, closing his eyes for a second and taking a deep breath. She’d never seen him so frustrated. “Two weeks ago you were so convinced I was gay that you told the only person in the world you shouldn’t have. I’m not sure this is a healthy relationship anymore.”