Hidden Monsters (Volkov Bratva #4)(72)

Her careful and innocent exploration now made her afraid as her thoughts spun with varying possibilities of how they had ended up on him. With each jagged line she felt, it became less of a doubt that this wasn’t a hazard of a job. They were too precise, the lines too clean, and from the sheer amount covering him, they had to have been done over an extended period of time.

At one point in his life, before he had gotten this tattoo, Luka had been tortured.

Alex’s hand shook at this realization, sorrow filling her as she imagined the pain he must have suffered. This could explain his darker moods, but that didn’t explain how he could be so happy all of the time. She couldn’t imagine being under this level of torture and coming out of it the same person. But then again, she didn’t know if Luka was the same person he had once been.

“It was a long time ago,” Luka’s voice resonated in the room, rough from sleep.

Lost in her own thoughts, she hadn’t noticed as he’d come awake, his body going taut while she’d been aimlessly tracing his scars.

Pulling her hand away, she asked, “What happened to you?”

He was quiet for some time, and she didn’t have to wonder whether he wanted to discuss this. He didn’t. His body language spoke volumes.

But instead of ignoring her question or deflecting, as he was prone to do, he rolled over so that they were facing each other, his usually vibrant blue eyes dead at the moment.

“A small disagreement between me and a few old friends.”

Alex frowned, not understanding. “A disagreement, and they did this to you? What kind of friends were these?” The idea of someone torturing him turned her stomach.

A ghost of a smile had crossed his face before it was gone. “Ones that I no longer have.”

“How did you…” She didn’t know how to finish that question, wasn’t even sure what exactly she was asking.

But Luka did. “Survive? I learned to adapt.”

I get off on pain…

Those words he’d told her once whispered through her mind, answering her own question. Had he learned to channel the torture inflicted on him by other means?

That only made her wonder whether last night had been enough for him. Would she be enough? Alex couldn’t imagine inflicting any pain on him.

“What are you thinking about?”

She chewed on her lip, glancing away. “At the Christmas party, you told me you got off on pain…”

Now, he did smile, shifting in the bed to get more comfortable. “I do, but not in the way you’re thinking. Back in the Pit—”

“The Pit?”

His jaw tensed, and she knew he had let something slip that he wasn’t ready to tell her about yet. Despite her curiosity, she would rather he keep telling her more than shut down because of this.

“Never mind, just go on.”

He looked more than a little grateful. “Before New York, before…this, I fought in a place called the Pit. Think dog fighting but with humans. It was bloody and f*cking terrible, but it was what I had to do. I was only thirteen or so at the time and couldn’t fight for shit. Gjarper was instructed to make me better the only way he knew how. For days, he kicked my ass until I could barely stand.”

Alex didn’t dare interrupt again, not when he’d looked past her, seeming to remember a time that only he knew about. She couldn’t tell if this was a fond memory or a bad one.

“Dhimpje ju b?n t? mpreht?—Pain makes you sharper. That’s what he always told me after. At the time, I hated him for it. I didn’t understand, but if I wanted to survive in that place, I had to learn. So, I did. Pain shaped me, molded me I guess. I took a weapon they used against me and made it work for myself. They could no longer control me, and what a person can’t control, they fear.” He blinked, seemingly coming back to the present. “Now, to answer your original question. I acted without approval, and because of that, this was my punishment. Did it hurt? Yes, but not in the way you think. And to answer your question, no, I don’t want you to slap me while I’m f*cking you.”

A startled laugh escaped her at his comment, and she felt more relaxed when the tension left him.

Picking up her hand, he kissed her palm. “I’m fine, really.”

How many times had she said those very words to him yet not really meant them?

“Do you know why I got these tattoos? Not because I was ashamed of the scars, but because I wanted a reminder that I was more than they were. They, and the story behind them, aren’t who I am anymore. So, no worries, yeah?”

She nodded, letting it go for now. “I’m sorry that it happened.”

“I wouldn’t be half the crazy bastard I am without them. Now, as much as I would love to stay here with you, I have something I need to handle.”

Alex looked over at his jeans on the floor where she knew his phone was. She hadn’t remembered hearing it ring.

“Not for your brother. For you.”

Now, she looked at him in confusion.

“Can’t have Natasha showing up at family functions again, right?” He didn’t wait for a response from her, just threw the covers off and grabbed his jeans from the floor. “Besides, I think Klaus may actually try and kill me if she did.”

She smiled at that. “Somehow I wormed my way into his good graces.”