Hidden Devotion (Trinity Masters #5)(36)
“My feelings for you are real.”
“How the hell would you know, Devon?” She was yelling. She couldn’t stop herself. “You never questioned any of this, and when I started to you shut me down. The first time I tried to talk to you about how barbaric some of the Trinity Masters’ practices are you basically patted me on the head and dismissed me.”
Devon was shaking his head. “I don’t remember it like that.”
“Of course you don’t. Why would you? For you it was nothing, a throw-away conversation. For me…” Juliette felt suddenly weary. She went to the head of the stairs, descending a few steps so she could take a seat. “For me, that was the moment I realized that I mattered less to you than the Trinity Masters, and I always will.”
“That’s not true.”
“Spare me.” She rubbed her palms on her shins, curling into a ball for warmth. “I don’t have time for this. I have work to do.”
Devon didn’t respond, so she looked up. He had the heels of his hands pressed into his eye sockets. When he dropped his arms his face was haunted.
“Why didn’t you tell me how you felt?”
She shrugged. “Because my feelings didn’t matter.”
“Of course—”
“No, Devon. They didn’t. I joined the instant I turned eighteen with no idea what I was really committing to. My trinity was set. The fact that I grew up and started to see the flaws in our practices and resent everyone who didn’t share my feelings,” she motioned to him, “that’s my problem. And until now, there was not a damn thing I could do about it.”
Devon joined her on the steps. “My feelings for you haven’t changed.”
“Don’t you get it? They aren’t real.” Juliette swiped a hand angrily through the air and blinked back tears. “You never had any real choice.”
“You’re wrong.” Hard lines bracketed his mouth as he grimaced. “If that were true, I would have the same feelings for Rose that I do for you, but I don’t.”
“What?”
He cupped her face. “I love you, Juliette. Not Rose, not the Trinity Masters. I love you, and every time you walked away from me it broke my heart.”
“You don’t love me.” Her throat was tight. He couldn’t love her, because if he did it would make it so much harder to pretend she didn’t still love him. And she had gotten very good at pretending.
“Of course I do. I’m just not good at showing it. I was afraid.” He leaned forward and laid his head against hers. “I’m still afraid.”
In that moment, she realized he wasn’t the pillar of strength and duty she always assumed. He seemed weary and vulnerable. Juliette wrapped her arms around his shoulders, overcome by the need to comfort and protect him.
“There are things I needed—need—to tell you.” His voice was soft in her ear. “Those things prevented me from being completely honest with you, and when you started to act like you hated me…”
“I’ve never hated you. I wish I had, wish I did.”
“Don’t leave me, Jules.”
It was an old nickname, one he’d stopped using after that first meeting in Paris. She’d taken it as a sign that he now saw her as an adult, as a woman. It brought tears to her eyes, the way a familiar smell from a childhood home could.
She was saved from responding by Franco, who’d approached unnoticed and was holding a buzzing cell phone.
“Uh, someone’s phone keeps ringing.”
Devon glared at Franco, but then stood and took his phone. Franco murmured that he was sorry for interrupting. Devon looked at the screen, and in an instant the raw emotion etched on his face was hidden under his normal stoic expression.
“I have to take this.” He disappeared into the bedroom.
Franco hesitated then took a seat beside Juliette on the steps. He was dressed, but as he sat he stripped off his shirt and handed it to Juliette, who pulled it on.
“So you and Devon…”
Juliette huddled in on herself, weary from lack of sleep and emotional upheaval. She was still reeling from her conversation with Devon, so she answered Franco without much forethought.
“Devon and I were part of a trinity, along with a woman named Rose Hancock. Our families have been members since the beginning. My father decided it was time to unite the Adamses, Ashers and Hancocks.”
“Your father? I thought the Grand Master picked the trinities.”
“He does.” Juliette turned her head to stare at Franco.
“Oh. Ohhhh.” Franco nodded as he put it together. “That explains why you were the one sent to find me.”
“Actually, my father didn’t send me, because he’s dead.”
“I’m sorry.” Franco stroked her shoulder.
“It was a long time ago. He died before I was old enough to realize how twisted my upbringing was because of the choices he made for me.”
“If it wasn’t your father, who is the Grand Master?”
“The Grand Master’s identity is a secret to most people. They have a council they work with. Who the councilors are is also a secret.”
“Lots of secrets.”
“Yes.” She was fighting the urge to tell Franco who she was, to confide in him. He was a good listener, and he’d shown that, when needed, he could step up and take charge. He would be a good councilor, despite the fact that he knew nothing about the Trinity Masters.