Hearts and Llamas (Chocolate Lovers #3.5)(3)

Lunch ends and we throw out our garbage and make our way back out into the plant. We get to our work stations, and as the line powers up, I wonder if Liz and Jim are on to something. Why should I have to be so stressed about what to get Claire? It's just like Jim said. Every year I spend a ton of time trying to come up with the perfect gift, and every year, just when I think I've found it and I can't be more excited, Claire seems less than thrilled even though she tries to hide it by overacting and gushing about it so much that even I start to hate what I got her.

This year, I'm going to be smart about it. She is so going to love me for this, and she'll never have to worry about anything pooping in her purses.





"He what?"

"He said, and I quote, 'How about this year you just tell me what to get you.' Can you believe that? Of all the unromantic things I have ever heard," I complain to Jenny as I put the last batch of Devil's Food cupcakes in the oven.

"If Drew said that to me, I'd cancel Anal Fridays, I'll tell you that," she says as she hops up onto the counter next to me and starts swinging her feet.

"Jenny, how many times do I have to tell you that there are just some things you do not need to share with me?" I ask her with a grimace.

"I'm so lucky with Drew. He has never bought me something for Valentine's Day that I didn't like. Last year, he got me a membership to a Jelly of the Month Club," she tells me with a huge smile on her face.

"I'm sorry, but how is that something you would ever like?" I question as I start piling dirty mixing bowls in the sink.

"Do you have any idea what you can do with that much jelly, the extra attachment from the vacuum cleaner, and the newest DVD of Foot Fetish Fantasies, Volume 57?"

"Jesus God no. And I never, ever want to, so stop talking right now," I beg her as I fill the sink with hot water and soap.

"You know, that's what Liz does for Jim. She told me that a few weeks ago when we were getting many pettings," Jenny informs me.

"Did you just say many pettings? Do I even want to know what you're talking about?"

Jenny sighs and rolls her eyes.

"Duh. We had our nails and toes done at the salon. How have you never gotten a many pettings before? It's like you live in a cave or something, Claire," she complains as she shakes her head at me. "Anyway, Liz was telling me that she got so tired of Jim never having a clue what to get her, she started making a list for him. This year, he's supposed to take her to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner and then to see a chick flick after. That way he won't show up with an alpaca or whatever the hell that was that shit in all her Coach purses a few years ago."

Just then, Liz walks through the door carrying a huge box and drops it on the floor in front of Jenny.

"Jenny, can you open this box and make sure everything I ordered is in there?"

She hops off of the counter and begins tearing the tape off of the box and opening the flaps excitedly.

"Ooooooh, we used these at the movie theater and used the extra butter—"

Liz holds up her hand and closes her eyes, stopping Jenny mid-sentence.

"Without a running commentary of the places you've stuck them and the condiments you used to get them there."

Jenny looks up at Liz with a perplexed look on her face.

"We don't use condoms, Liz, you know that. It's like you never listen to anything I say."

Jenny huffs and continues pawing through the box.

"So, I heard you guys discussing shitting farm animals when I walked in. Reliving the Valentine Coach Massacre of 2009, are we?" Liz asks as she leans against the counter while I wash the dishes.

"Jenny told me about how you give Jim a list every year for Valentine's Day. It sounded a little unromantic to me, but I forgot about that whole Queen Shitty Britches or whatever her name was."

Liz nods her head in understanding.

"I agree, it's a little unconventional, but it's necessary so I don't smother my husband in his sleep. It really does make for a much happier holiday all around. Plus, Jim doesn't have to sleep out in the garage for a week, and I don't have to soak my face in bleach to get llama germs off," she explains with a shrug.

"You know, you could have gotten Key Lime Disease from something like that, Liz. Llamas have these little bugs called sticks that carry Key Lime. I saw it on Animal Planet," Jenny states.

"Did you maybe see it on the Food Network instead? With Paula Dean?" I ask with a laugh.

"I think Key Lime Disease is cured with whip cream," Liz adds with a snort.

"You guys are weird. That makes absolutely no sense."

Jenny rolls her eyes and goes back to her sex toy sorting while Liz reminisces fondly about the time she almost got a delicious citrus illness, and I have to pause with the dirty dishes because she starts sobbing uncontrollably about her favorite Coach purse she buried in the back yard that year while she made Jim hum Taps.

Maybe Liz is on to something with this idea. Her expectations won't be through the roof because she'll know exactly what she was getting, and it will be what she's wanted because she had spelled it out for Jim. But the more I think it's a good idea, the more I go back to square one and think, where's the romance in that? Carter is amazing and I love him more than I ever thought possible. Even though it's hit or miss sometimes because come on, he's a guy and they really aren't the most perceptive when it comes to knowing what to buy us girls, I still love being surprised and hopeful when it comes to the most romantic holiday of the year. Is it too much to ask that he just put on his thinking cap and really concentrate on something that he knows will make me happy?