Gravel Heart(78)

Saida nodded back. ‘He told me it is all up to him what punishment is decreed for you. He has made me a humiliating offer. If I yield to him, he will release you. Do you understand? If I sleep with him until he has had his fill, he will let you go free.’

‘Oh my God, what a swine,’ said Amir. He was silent for a long while after that, thinking over what she had said. Then he asked, as she knew he would: ‘Will you do it?’

‘Oh, Amir, you have a heart of stone,’ she said.

‘They will hurt me here,’ he said, pleading. ‘They may keep me here for decades … or worse … even kill me. You don’t know how hard that man is. How can it be wrong to save a brother’s life? However he thinks of it, you can say that you are doing a noble and courageous thing, saving your brother’s life.’

‘And Masud? How will I explain this to him?’ she asked.

‘He doesn’t have to know,’ Amir said, smiling triumphantly now, thinking she was going to agree. ‘No one needs to know. People do these things all the time.’

*

I did not know about this when I came home, and not for some while afterwards. That evening, while Saida was still debating with herself what to do and how much to tell me, I asked her about the car that had come for her. Our neighbour Bi Maryam had told me that a government car came and took her somewhere. Was there any news of Handsome Boy? That was Bi Maryam’s name for Amir. Saida started to tell me about the events of the day, and once she began, she told me everything, blow by blow, back and forth, until I felt nauseated, until I felt as if I had been there.

I said to her, ‘Don’t do it. You mustn’t do it.’ I pleaded with her half the night. I gripped her wrists and gently shook her, I wept, but the more I said, the more clearly she saw that none of it was worth sacrificing her brother’s life. ‘His life is not at risk,’ I said. ‘If what he says is true, the girl will get him out. That beast will keep Amir in jail for a few days or even months, but then the girl will plead with the father and get him out. Do not make our lives into nightmare and dishonour for nothing. His life is not at risk.’

But she could not persuade herself, and could only see that she had lost her father and her mother, and was now about to lose her brother when all that was required of her was to submit to a man. ‘You must help me, Masud,’ she said to me. ‘You must stay by me. You must not abandon me. You must not allow me to lose heart. I will not be able to do this without you. He will want to see me a few times and then it will be over. No one will ever know.’

‘No,’ I said, ‘it won’t be over. That man has told you he wants you to yield to him until he is satisfied. It will not be a few times and then it’s over. It will never be over until he has exhausted and humiliated you.’

But all my pleadings failed. One afternoon, a few days later, a car with private number plates parked under the tree and Saida got into it as arranged. When she came home that evening, you and I were sitting at the table drinking ginger tea with buns from the café. Saida went through to the bathroom to wash and change. Neither she nor I spoke about where she had been that afternoon. We did not speak about anything for days, just what was necessary. At the end of the week Amir was released from jail and came home, smiling and animated, as if he had taken part in a witty prank. On another afternoon, the following week, Saida left the house to go to Hakim as arranged. She had asked him not to send the car as he had the week before, and she walked to where she had to go.

While she was gone, I retrieved the jewellery my mother had given to me for safe-keeping, and the letter she’d sent to me when she arrived in Dubai, and my father’s letter when I married Saida. I put them and a few clothes in a bag and left. I cycled aimlessly for an hour or so, not sure if I really wanted to go, not really ready to lose her and my whole life, and then I headed slowly back to the house. When Saida went to Hakim for the third time, I knew I could not bear to live there any more, could not bear Saida and her brother, who in my shamed heart I imagined was chuckling and sniggering about me and my stupidity and my cowardice and my shame. I did not know what to do. I never knew what to do at any important moment in my life. I was always inept. I did not know how to speak to Saida about what she was doing. I was overwhelmed by what she was doing. I did not know why she was doing it any more.

*

Baba was weeping, his gaunt body heaving as he tried to control himself. I rose and switched off the light, and sat down at the table close to his bed. After a short while there was silence, and then he said, ‘I’m sorry. It gets harder to control the tears with age.’

‘Do you want me to put the light back on?’ I asked.

‘No,’ he said. ‘Leave it like this.’

*

While Saida was away for the fourth afternoon later that same week, I collected the few belongings I chose to take and, without waiting for her to return, I cycled to this place. I knew Khamis would let me stay. My father had helped him when he was in trouble with the authorities and I knew he would help me. They gave me this room where we are now. I did not think I would stay for so long but could not face recriminations and explanations. Amir came to the Water Authority office the next morning to find me and tell me Saida wanted me to go home. I could not raise my eyes to look at him and went on reading through the notes on my desk, or pretending to. I heard Amir sigh briefly and then leave. Later that afternoon, Saida herself came to the office, so close to our home, and asked me to come back. I walked outside with her because I was afraid I would break down in front of everyone.