Good Me Bad Me(4)

‘I might head home, I’m not feeling so good.’

‘Fine,’ Phoebe replies. ‘Just don’t get me in trouble with Dad.’

Izzy looks up, a provocative smile. ‘See you at school,’ she says, and as I walk away I hear her add: ‘This should be fun.’

The girl in the tracksuit is no longer on the wall. I pause to look into the estate, follow the tower blocks up to the sky, my neck craning backwards. There were no tower blocks in Devon, just houses and fields. Acres of privacy.

When I go back into the house, Mike asks me where Phoebe is. I explain about Izzy, he smiles, an apology I think.

‘They’ve been friends for ever,’ he says. ‘A whole summer to catch up on. Do you fancy a quick chat in my study, touch base before school tomorrow?’

I say yes – I seem to be saying it a lot, it’s a good word, one I can hide behind. Mike’s study is large with bay windows overlooking the garden. A mahogany-coloured desk, a photo frame and a green antique-style reading lamp, piles of paper. There’s a home library, rows of built-in shelves full of books, the remaining walls painted a mauve colour. It feels stable. Safe. He sees me looking at the shelves, laughs. I know, I know, he says, far too many, but between you and me, I don’t think you can ever have too many books.

I nod, agree.

‘Did you have a good library at your school?’ he asks.

I don’t like the question. I don’t like thinking about life, the way it was before. But I answer, show willing.

‘Not really, but there was one in the village next to ours, I went there sometimes.’

‘Reading’s very therapeutic, just let me know if you’d like to borrow anything. I’ve plenty, as you can see.’

He winks, but not in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable, gestures to an armchair, take a seat. Relax. I sit down, notice the door to the study is closed, Mike must have done it when I was looking at his books. He refers to the chair I’m sitting in.

‘It’s comfy, isn’t it?’ he says.

I nod, try to look more relaxed, more comfy. I want to get it right. It also reclines, he adds, you just need to flick the lever on the side, if it takes your fancy, go for it. It doesn’t, and I don’t. The thought of being alone with someone in a room on a chair that reclines, me on my back. No. I don’t like that idea.

‘I know we discussed this at the unit before you were discharged but it’s important to go over what we agreed before the next few weeks of school swallow you up.’

One of my feet begins to jiggle. He looks down at it.

‘You look unsure.’

‘A little bit.’

‘All I ask is that you keep an open mind, Milly. View these sessions as moments of respite, somewhere to pause and take a breath. We’ve got just under three months until the court case starts so partly we’ll be working on preparing you for that, but we’ll also continue with the guided relaxation the unit psychologist started with you.’

‘Do we still have to do that?’

‘Yes, it’ll be helpful for you in the long run.’

How can I tell him it won’t, not if things that frighten me find a way out.

‘It’s human nature to want to avoid the things we feel threatened by, Milly, the things that make us feel less in control, but it’s important we go there. Begin the process of putting things to rest. I’d like you to think of a place that feels safe for you, I’m going to ask you to tell me about it next time we meet. Initially it might feel like a difficult thing to do, but I need you to try. It can be anywhere, a classroom at your old school, a bus journey you used to take.’

She drove me to school. Every day.

‘Or somewhere in the village you lived next to, like a cafe or the library you mentioned, anywhere as long as the feeling you associate with it is a comforting one. Does that make sense?’

‘I’ll try.’

‘Good. Now, what about tomorrow, how are you feeling? It’s never easy being the new girl.’

‘I’m looking forward to being busy, it helps.’

‘Well, just make sure and ease yourself in, it can be quite full-on at Wetherbridge but I’ve no doubt you’ll keep up. Is there anything else you’d like to talk about or ask, anything you’re feeling unsure about?’

Everything.

‘No, thank you.’

‘Let’s leave it at that for tonight then but if anything does crop up in between now and our first session, my door’s always open.’

As I go back to my room I can’t help but feel frustrated that Mike wants to continue with the hypnosis. He thinks by calling it ‘guided relaxation’ I won’t recognize it for what it is, but I do. I overheard the psychologist at the unit telling a colleague that the hypnosis technique he’d been using on me would hopefully be a good way to unlock me. Better left locked, I wanted to tell him.

I hear music as I pass Phoebe’s room so she must be back. I work up the courage to knock on her door, I want to ask her what to expect at school tomorrow.

‘Who is it?’ she shouts.

‘Milly,’ I reply.

‘I’m busy getting ready for tomorrow,’ she responds, ‘you should do the same.’

I whisper my reply through the wood – I’m scared – then I go into my room, lay out my new uniform. A blue skirt, white shirt and a stripy tie, two shades of blue. And try as I might not to think of you, it’s all I can do. Our daily drive to and from school, you worked the early shift so I wouldn’t have to get the bus. An opportunity to remind me, the song you sang as you pinched me. How my mouth watered with pain. Our secrets are special, you’d say, when the chorus came on, they’re between me and you.