Full Contact (Redemption #3)(61)
He shakes his head. “I just want to be alone.”
I swallow past the lump in my throat. “Call me if you need anything. I’ll be back tomorrow.”
Tag nods and I make it out the door and partway down the hallway before I am overwhelmed by emotion. Fear, anger, remorse, and guilt wage a war over which of them should destroy me first. My chest tightens and I lean against the wall and struggle to breathe. But this time the air doesn’t come.
Someone puts a hand on my shoulder. I hear words in the distance, a woman’s voice, white disappearing into a sea of black. My knees hit the floor but I feel nothing. I am at once empty and filled with pain.
And then warm arms enfold me, lift me, carry me. A heart firm and steady beats against my chest. The rumble of a voice, the creak of leather, and the rich masculine scent of Ray.
He strokes my hair and talks, holds me against him. I can’t make out his words, but his voice pulls me out of the darkness. I draw in a breath of sweet, cool air and look up into a sea of blue.
“There she is,” he whispers.
“And here you are.” I bury my face against his chest, breathing him in, resting my cheek against the soft cotton of his Twisted Sister T-shirt as he leans back on the bench in the hallway.
“What happened to Tag is my fault.” My voice chokes with tears. “He wanted his life back. The life I stole from him.” And then, because he came when I needed him, because he says he is broken too, I tell him what I should have told him before. “I was…” Raped. But no, I’ve never been able to say that word. Even now. “Sexually assaulted.”
“Raped.” He says it for me, his voice calm, soothing, but I can hear a tightening in his tone.
“Yes. When I was eighteen.” I tell him everything: how Tag told me not to go to the party, but I went anyway, how I trusted Luke because he was Tag’s teammate, how Tag saved me and fought with Luke and they both fell out the window. And then I tell him about the threats that started when we got to the hospital—phone threats, email threats, a smear campaign on social media that suggested I was setting Luke up to get his family’s money. I tell him how we decided not to go to the police or tell our parents, to protect our family and to make it all go away. But, of course, it didn’t go away. I couldn’t paint anymore. Tag couldn’t fight. And our parents knew something was wrong and were hurt we didn’t let them help us.
Ray strokes my cheek as I talk. His hand is warm against my palm. He doesn’t shout or yell or cry or look at me as someone who needs to be pitied. He is simply there. And that is exactly what I need.
“I get panic attacks when I feel like I’m losing control or something that reminds me of that night.” I close my eyes and lean into the warmth of his palm. “I have trouble with trust and getting close to anyone—and I have real trouble with intimacy.”
“You trusted me enough to tell me.” Ray leans forward and presses a kiss to my forehead. “Means a lot to me.”
My cheeks flame. “Well…you’re different from the guys I was with. Charlie and James treated me like I was made of glass. They would get…overly emotional. They were so gentle, kind, and considerate, and I tried, I really did, but I always felt like a victim. I never felt normal. And Peter, another guy I went out with… I didn’t tell him what happened because I didn’t want to be treated that way again. But something about him set off my triggers, and when I finally told him, he cut things off and said he couldn’t handle my baggage. After that, I kinda gave up.”
“And then you met me.” He gives a satisfied grin and I laugh.
“You seem to think quite highly of yourself.”
“I got the hottest tat artist in California sitting in my lap. She’s got the biggest heart and the most beautiful face, and hell, when she gets going, you should hear her sass. Guy like me with a girl like you, yeah, that’s worth a smile.”
For a single irrational moment, I am insanely jealous of his wife. She didn’t just have his smile; she had his heart, and if they hadn’t suffered a tragedy, she would have had it forever.
“You know why I like you?” I stroke his cheek, rough with a five o’clock shadow. “Aside from the fact that you’re hot, sexy, an amazing fighter, always there for me, understanding, and good in bed?”
He lifts an eyebrow. “I’m waitin’ to hear more.”
“You’re everything I ever wanted a man to be.”
Ray kisses my forehead and chuckles. “And here I thought it was just about the sex.”
Not anymore.
“He live around here?”
My brow creases in a frown when the rumble of Ray’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts. “Who?”
“The bastard who raped you.”
My heart quickens, and I will him not to be thinking what I’m pretty sure he is thinking. “He did, but then he disappeared. Tag tried to find him. He wanted to keep tabs on him just for my peace of mind, but even with all his resources, he couldn’t track him down. We figured he must have left the state.”
“Walking the streets like he has a right to be anywhere but jail?” His voice rises to a threatening growl.
“Ray…”
“Who is he? Gimme a name.”
Stomach churning, I push myself up to sitting and shake my head. “It’s finished, Ray. I made my choice and I’ve moved on. Don’t think I haven’t been through this already with Tag. I just want to live my life like it never happened.”