From The Ashes (The Ministry of Curiosities #6)(68)

"I never stopped wanting you. Never." He leaned back against the doorframe and dragged both hands through his hair. "But I convinced myself that I was better off without you, and that I was strong enough to push my feelings aside." He folded his arms high up on his chest, and tucked his hands away. "I was wrong."

I swallowed but the lump in my throat didn't move.

"Is there any chance…will you ever forgive me?" he murmured.

"I…I don't know. I think so, but it's not truly a matter of forgiving you. Not anymore. You see, I came to realize something while we were apart. It's not just that you sent me away, it's that I allowed you to do it."

"I don't understand."

"I allowed myself to be manipulated, and allowed you to make decisions about my fate. I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point during our courtship, I stopped being me. I don't want to lose myself, Lincoln. Nor do I want to be at your mercy again, or anyone else's."

"You won't be. The cottage will see that you always have somewhere to go. You had no choices before, now you do."

"Perhaps. I don't know. I haven't had time to think it through."

"Take as much time as you need. I'll be here."

I tried to smile but it felt flat. I walked away, but it wasn't easy. Every piece of my heart wanted to turn around and throw myself into his arms. But my head told me to keep walking, to not give in to whims, or I'd regret it.

I was no longer sure which part of me should rule.

Lady Vickers cleared her throat, startling me. "Oh," I said. "I didn't see you." I glanced back along the corridor, catching Lincoln watching. He stepped back into his rooms. "How long have you been there?"

"Long enough to see you two," she said. "Don't worry, I couldn't hear anything. But I have eyes. I know what's what."

I sighed. "Please, I'm not up to a lecture right now."

"That's unfortunate, because you need one."

I got the feeling there would be no escaping her. I suddenly had immense sympathy for Seth. "Will it take long?"

She scowled. "Enough of your lip, young lady."

I laughed, in spite of my mood. "You think that's lip? You ought to come with me to visit my old haunts. You'll see and hear things that would make your hair curl."

Her lips turned white and her nostrils flared. If she stamped her foot, she'd resemble a bull preparing to charge. "As the senior woman of the house, and someone who has experienced love, loss and everything in between, I thought to offer you some advice."

"I don't want any advice," I said walking off.

"That's too bad, because I'm giving it to you regardless." She trailed after me down the stairs. If I went to the kitchen, would she follow?

I headed to the sitting room instead where Seth and Gus sat, quietly talking. Lady Vickers wouldn't dare upbraid me in front of her son and one of the servants.

Once again, I was wrong. "How long are you going to punish him for sending you away?" At least she didn't waste time skirting the point.

"I'm not punishing him," I said breezily, sitting on the sofa. Both Gus and Seth gave us their full attention. It would seem they were as interested in my answers as Lady Vickers.

"Aren't you?" she said mildly.

"He did a heinous thing, Mother," Seth said before I could respond. "He took Charlie away from her home."

"Aye," Gus chimed in. "She'd been livin' on the streets for years, with no home, no one to care for her, and just when she gets settled here, he sends her off."

"I know her history," Lady Vickers said crisply.

I looked from one to the other, my heart in my throat, tears in my eyes. I ought to stop them, and remind them that I was right here, but I couldn't.

"You know it, but you don't truly know it, Mother," Seth went on. "Let me explain. Charlie was only a little girl when her father banished her. Girls are supposed to trust their fathers. It's the one person a girl should know is on her side, and Holloway wasn't. He pushed her off the end of the pier and she had to swim or drown. She swam, but only just. Then she comes here, and just as she begins to hope that she could once again have a home and is surrounded by people she can trust, Fitzroy does exactly the same thing as her father did. He took away her home, her family, and dropped her off the end of the pier." He shook his head. "He ought to be punished."

"I'm not punishing him!" I swiped my damp cheeks and stood.

Lady Vickers caught my hand, but I wrenched free and ran out of the room. I halted in the doorway. Lincoln stood there, his eyes huge black pits surrounded by deep shadows. He stared at me, unblinking, not breathing, his hands fisted at his sides. He'd heard everything.

"I didn't get to finish," Lady Vickers announced, joining me.

"I don't want to hear it!" I snapped.

"Very well." She cleared her throat. "This letter came for you. That's why I was looking for you, but then I saw…." She handed me the letter then returned to the sitting room.

Lincoln didn't move. He seemed to be waiting for me to do or say something first. I couldn't think what. I'd said everything I needed to say already.