From Sanctum with Love (Masters and Mercenaries #10)(49)

Five minutes later she walked out of the bathroom having made herself as hygienically ready for a sleep cycle as possible. Kai had turned off all the lights with the exception of the one by her side of the bed. He was lying back, the sheets halfway down his chest, and he was not wearing a shirt.

“Please tell me you’ve got something on under there.”

“I’m in my boxers. Do you want me to wear jeans?” He turned toward her, propping up his head in his hand.

He looked like the best man treat ever offered to a girl. “No, it’s fine.” She could handle it. He wasn’t wearing anything except his likely very thin boxers. It would be good. This would prove once and for all that they were friends and no amazingly hot spanking could change that. She slid into bed and turned out the light. “Good night, Kai.”

She lay there for a second. It was so odd to have someone in bed with her.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were a masochist?”

Should she snore? Maybe if she gave him a couple of good snores, he would think she was asleep.

“Were you afraid of me? Don’t answer with arrogant Kori. I’m honestly asking. I told you I was a sadist when I first met you. You nodded and ignored me the rest of the day. I thought you would quit. I was a little surprised when you showed up the next day.”

Thank god for blackout shades. Somehow it was easier to talk in complete darkness. She remembered the day he was talking about. It had been before her first night at Sanctum. She’d started the job with Kai and Big Tag had sweetened the pot by offering her a membership at Sanctum as part of her salary. Back then, Big Tag had funded Kai’s practice. Kai had warned her that he would be in the dungeon that night and explained in perfectly academic terms his status as a sadist. She’d nearly gotten to her knees right then and there.

How should she explain this to him without giving away everything? She stared up at the darkness. “I’d just moved here. I’d been in a relationship that was unhealthy to say the least. I didn’t know you. It seemed easiest to keep the two things separate.”

“Was he your Dom?”

“Yes. For several years. I was in the lifestyle before he was and then he took over everything. My life. My career. I moved to Arizona for a couple of years and then I came out here. I didn’t want to get back to that place again.”

“So that’s why you don’t let anyone give you what you need.”

She didn’t say the truth. The truth was no one at Sanctum with the exception of Kai could give her what she needed. She needed more than a hard hand on her ass. She needed Kai’s unique brand of dominance. “I think it’s dangerous for a person like me.”

“He abused your trust. Not every Dom would do that. I wouldn’t even call him a Dom. A Dom puts his sub’s needs first.”

She’d spent the last five years of her life dissecting that relationship. “I know that intellectually, but I don’t think I can ever go back. I can’t get in that deep again. Tonight was fun, but I have to leave it there.”

“So you’re leaving Sanctum? Because the other Dominants aren’t going to let you get away with faking anymore.”

She hadn’t even thought of that. Silence filled the dark as the real ramifications of the night hit her. She was stuck. Now that everyone knew, no one would play with her. Not the way they had before. She’d been outed. Even if they forgave her for keeping the truth from them, most of the Dominants wouldn’t want to play with a sub who had zero interest in ever letting them in.

“I’m going to move my arm out,” Kai said, his voice carefully polite. “I told you I wouldn’t lay a hand on you but if you rolled over and cuddled up against me and then my arm kind of turned in, that wouldn’t be the same thing, right?”

He was offering her comfort without asking for anything in return. She was sick of overthinking, sick of constantly putting up boundaries and barriers. Kori rolled to her side and sure enough Kai’s arm wrapped around her, drawing her against the warmth and strength of his body. “It’s not the same thing at all.”

He cocooned her in the dark, his hand holding her head against his chest. “I’ll talk to them. I’ll make sure you have a safe place to play.”

Or she could accept that she had a play partner. It wasn’t like she’d been there alone tonight. Kai was excellent at compartmentalizing. She let her head rest on his chest, hearing the beat of his heart. Slowly she relaxed, her arm winding around his torso so they were wrapped together. It didn’t have to mean anything beyond they were friends and she needed comfort. He needed comfort, too. It was obvious his brother’s appearance threatened Kai’s much needed calm. What if she could give him some of that peace back through play? He hadn’t found a play partner who met his needs either. They could help each other. She could stay at Sanctum and nothing had to change with the singular exception of getting to go to her happy place a couple of times a week. Kai wasn’t Morgan. Kai wouldn’t take her freedom and turn her into some kind of pathetic acolyte who gave up her own credit to please the Master.

No one could do that to her. No one except herself. She’d made those choices. She’d let herself slide.

If she was vigilant about keeping herself in check, she could have what she needed. And it wasn’t like Kai was looking for scripts he could pretend were his own. Kai likely wouldn’t insist he got full credit for watering the plants or keeping his schedule organized.