From Darkness (Hearts & Arrows Book 3)(94)
“Handmaids were waiting when he locked me in our chambers, and I begged them to get me out, to take me back to my mother, to the sun, but they just smiled sadly and bathed me, dressed me in a wedding gown. They tried to soothe me, but there was no comfort to be found. Words meant nothing. And in the end, it was their hands that dragged me to the garden where he waited for me.”
Perry’s eyes focused on nothing. Her voice was miles away. Centuries away. “The look in his eyes held me still. I didn’t speak through the ceremony, just stared ahead, numb from shock as the words were said that sealed my fate. Hades spoke his vow, looking down at me with eyes so blue and bright and full of ownership. Mine were dead with futility.
“I remember being so cold, my hands shaking, my teeth clattering as I walked by his side to our chambers, and when we crossed the threshold of the room and the door closed behind me, I snapped. I turned and ran. He caught me without even trying and carried me to our bed, talking to me all the while. Whispering to me. Soothing me. Begging me. Trying to make me see, to understand that I was his by right, that my maidenhood was his, and taking it was the only thing that could forge our marriage and bind us. There would be no waiting. But I wouldn’t do it. I just…I couldn’t do it. So, he tied me up and took what he believed was his.
“I know now that he tried to make it easier for me; he really did. It wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted me to love him. He wanted me to be pleased, thought that I would bend to him. But I hated him. I would have killed him or died trying. For years, I fantasized about it, especially after he tricked me into eating the pomegranate, imprisoning me in the underworld forever. I could never leave, and it was all his fault. I considered taking my own life. There are ways, though they are few, and I exhausted each one, preparing myself to escape my prison, my captor. But Zeus saved me. If he hadn’t granted me leave to come to Earth half of the year, I would have found a way to end it all.”
Perry’s eyes were dark, the eyes of the girl who had been tortured and the woman who had lived through it. “How can you get through something like that? I had been kidnapped, lived in the underworld alone and lonely, so bitter and hurt. Hades locked me away, but he never forced himself on me again, didn’t even touch me until it was on my terms.
“You remember what it was like then. None of us had a say; none of us had any rights when we married, though you and I fared better than most. Relationships then were rarely about love; they were about possession and politics, and we were trifles.
“I would hate Hades still if he’d brutalized me, but he didn’t, not really. His only fault was that he subscribed to the notion that I didn’t get a say. It was hundreds of years before I forgave him. Hundreds of years that he waited for me, served me, loved me at a distance.
“What I’m getting at is that, at some point, it ends. Pain isn’t forever. It’s not always. One day, it’s just behind you, and you crept past it so slowly that you didn’t even realize it. And that, my love, is how I know that you can get through it. I believe you can do anything. Including having a heart-to-heart with Ballsack Du Shrinkage.”
A laugh burst out of Dita, though tears glistened in her eyes.
Perry smiled, the act simple and honest. “Dita, Ares can’t hurt you, not really, and I don’t think he wants to. He’ll listen to you because he wants you, but you have to know he won’t hear a word you say. He’s not going to accept no, and there’s no way for him to make it right.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
“But what can he do about it?”
“I…I don’t know. He could kidnap me and rape me like Hades did to you.”
“He could, but I don’t think he will. He stands to lose everything. Zeus doesn’t make promises he doesn’t intend to keep, and everyone is watching Ares. I mean, he’s stupid, but he’s got a healthy sense of self-preservation. Thing is, you can’t control his reaction, but facing him is crucial for you. You’ve figured out how to stand up, but you’re not ready to walk yet. Not until you do this.”
“How did you move forward?”
“I don’t know really. I mean, Hades and I lived together. I was a prisoner who had to share a bed with my jailer, eat meals with him, endure the company of the man who had stolen my life.”
Dita looked over her friend for a moment, trying to relate herself to Perry and coming up short. “My problems seem very small.”
Perry shook her head. “Don’t say that, Dita. I knew that Hades wouldn’t hurt me. I don’t know how, but I knew. I was damaged and angry and ruined, but I wasn’t afraid, and I never lost my sense of self. The thing that’s so stupid about all of it is that I probably would have fallen in love with him if he had courted me instead of kidnapping and imprisoning me.
“But my point is that your fear of Ares is real and valid. I was never afraid to tell Hades how I felt about him or the situation, which was probably irresponsible—he could have done so many worse things to me—but I was only a girl. I had all the answers and no fear of consequences.”
“Yeah, I know how that goes,” Dita said, her words soft.
“That, you do. I think that was part of what gave me my power back. He knew how I felt because I told him, and I still do. It was the thing that allowed me to feel like I still had a voice.