Followed by Fros(61)

A bitter wind pressed against the draperies and crept onto the balcony. Sticking my tongue between my teeth so they wouldn’t chatter, I stood from my chair and walked past the line of braziers to the throne room, slipping past the dancers relatively unnoticed. I hoped moving around would calm the hovering winter, and perhaps I would not need to leave so early. I also wanted to see Lo one more time, if possible.

I saw Eyan on the stairs and waved, then took the steps down to the main room, where a few guests stood clustered in conversation. I caught sight of Aamina out of the corner of my eye, carrying an empty pitcher toward what I assumed were the kitchens. Quickening my pace, I called out to her.

“Smeesa!” she exclaimed, eyeing me from head to toe. “What a beautiful dress! How my daughter would be jealous of such a thing!”

“Thank you. Kitora made it, but if it fits your daughter, it’s hers. I will have no need of it past tonight.”

She gasped dramatically. “No, it is yours!”

“Then I will slip it into your bag on your next visit,” I said, laughing. “You look lovely,” I added, and she did, draped in dark pinks with small beads wound through her braid.

“I look old,” she joked. “Are you leaving?”

“Walking, for now. This is all so wonderful, but the snow . . .”

Aamina nodded. “A little too chilly in the kitchens for me. But you must stay for dessert. We are having snow cream.”

I grinned and massaged a cold knot in my shoulder. “Aamina, I met a woman from Djmal upstairs. Lo’s village—”

“Faida?”

“Yes,” I said, relieved that she knew of whom I spoke. “She was very kind to me . . . I was wondering if you knew anything about her.”

But deep down, I knew I didn’t ask because she had been kind to me. A tendril of fear had begun to worm itself around my diaphragm, and I sought the assurance that would squelch it.

“She is the most beautiful child I have ever seen,” Aamina said with a nod. “Lo is lucky to have her, though I don’t know why they’ve waited so long.”

Her words made my heart tremor. “What do you mean?”

Another servant passed, and Aamina waved with her free hand. “She is the captain’s betrothed.”

My bones splintered within me, and I pressed a hand to the wall to hold myself steady. The worm grew into a snake. Breathless, I asked, “They’re . . . engaged?”

“It is different in the Northlands, isn’t it?” Aamina asked, waving to someone behind me. “Yes, yes, from a very young age. It’s customary for marriages to be arranged between the young. Her family is well off, and he is highly esteemed. A good match.”

How much effort it took to keep my face expressionless as her words passed over me, colder than winter’s heart.

“I think she leaves in the morning,” Aamina said.

I nodded numbly. “Th-Thank you,” I managed, though it was little louder than a whisper. Forcing a smile, I said, “I need to take a walk before it gets too cold.”

Aamina nodded and hurried down the hall to refill her pitcher.

I took a few steps before pressing a hunched shoulder against the wall, the banquet’s music fading from my ears. My heart beat slow and cold, and my body shivered uncontrollably.

Betrothed.

What had I expected? That my life in Zareed would go on unchanged? That Lo would continue to discuss books with me into his old age? That he could ever love me, a woman whom he could never touch? I was a child cursed for her cold heart, a woman who flirted with death at every turn. Lo was captain of the prince’s guard. And Faida . . . Faida was beautiful and kind and selfless. Everything I was not.

A good match, Aamina had said, and they were. Faida and Lo. My name hadn’t made the list.

I took several deep breaths and forced my clenched hands to relax, but I could not reason myself from my stupor. The mind and heart are two separate entities, and one cannot control the other—Dideh Bab had said so much in The Fool’s Last Song. I took in a shuddering breath and pushed myself off the wall. I couldn’t stay for the rest of the celebration, not now. I could barely stand.

Dazed, I started for the palace doors, but before I reached them I heard someone call out my name.

Turning, I saw Faida on the stairs, her skirts dancing about her small feet as she hurried toward me. I saw her and admired her and hated her. She stopped a pace short and took a second to catch her breath.

“Are you leaving already?” she asked, her red lips smiling. “I went to find you again to introduce you to my mother—surely you will stay a little longer?”

I stared at her for a moment, wishing I could be her, just for this night, warm and beautiful, with Lo at my right arm.

The sincerity of her smile shamed me.

Yet I managed to return it. Clasping my gloved hands together, I bowed to her and said, “Thank you for your kindness to me; it has lifted my spirits.” Don’t cry. I couldn’t cry now.

I met her eyes. “I wish you the most happiness in your upcoming marriage.”

That surprised her, but she smiled warmly. “Thank you.”

After bowing once more, I stepped through the doors and out into my storm, not bothering to find Leikah. The sun had begun its western descent, casting gold and red shadows over the lively city. A guard called out to me, but I did not slow. I was content to make the trip home on my own two legs. I passed dancers and painters and clouds of delicious scents from food vendors. Staring at the ground, ignoring any who took notice of me, I changed direction only once when I heard the bark of a dog. My feet kicked up snow, and then sand, my cloud slowly tracing my path northward.