First Debt (Indebted #2)(33)

I’d go f*cking insane.

I’d have to make sure all loaded ammunition was barred from the house, so I didn’t end up slaughtering my entire family.

Nila Weaver was mine, goddammit. I didn’t want anyone talking, touching, or twisting her thoughts without my permission.

Calm the f*ck down.

I slammed to a stop in the middle of a corridor. If I bumped into Cut in this state, he’d know I wasn’t coping. He’d take me so damn low, I wouldn’t stand a chance of climbing out of the glacier so fast.

You shouldn’t be thawing so quickly.

I agreed with my internal logic. I shouldn’t be feeling this type of emotion. I shouldn’t be letting my feelings get the better of me.

Breathing hard through my nose, I locked my jaw and recited the same thing I did every day, ten times a day, twenty even—all to remind myself of who I was meant to be and hide who I truly was.

My lips moved as I let the words trickle silently in my mind.

I’m a shadow lurking in plain sight.

A predator in sheep’s clothing.

I prey on the weak with no apology.

I hide my true temper beneath a veil of decorum.

I’ve mastered the art of suave.

I’m a gentleman. Distinguished, accomplished, and shrewd.

I’m all of those things but none of them.

Rules and laws don’t apply to me.

I’m a rule-breaker, curse-maker, life-stealer.

The minute I’d finished, my hands balled, and the devil’s advocate whispered in my ear.

You’re lying. It’s a farce.

Clenching my jaw, I forced my heart rate to calm and for the ice to take me hostage. Repeating the mantra, I slowly fell under its hypnosis. My back relaxed, the knots in my muscles unthreading. My sweaty palms went paper dry and cold, while my face turned slack with uncaring.

Finally.

The calmness siphoning through my veins was welcome, turning everything frigid and controllable in its path.

Everything about my life since I was fifteen f*cking years old was a carefully designed and executed illusion.

Up till now, I’d survived.

I’d buried the true me beneath a man so cold and perfect—even I believed—most of the time.

But every now and again, a hairline fracture would show in my glacier shell.

And my father would notice.

And he would…‘fix’ me.

Until I was old enough to fix myself, of course.

Which I’d done only the night before, so why was I having such difficulty now?

The thawing had happened too fast. Normally, I could pass a few weeks, sometimes more, before I ever needed to be fixed. But Nila Weaver was the sun upon my ice, turning me into a river that wanted to flow and change and grow. Not freeze and remain forever unmovable.

There was only one course of action to get through her invasion into my senses and survive her stay with us. I just didn’t know if I had the strength to do it.

Shaking away that terrible thought, I prowled forward.

The sounds of men came and went as I passed rooms, and scents of fresh baking from the kitchens made my mouth water.

I almost walked right past her as I moved through the house lost in my thoughts. The sounds of conversation muted my attention, and if it hadn’t have been for the strangest sound imaginable, I would’ve strode right by.

I slammed to a halt outside my brother’s room.

Outside my brother’s room.

The abominable sound came again.

Laughter.

Feminine laughter.

Nila’s laughter.

And it wasn’t cynical or full of contempt—it was light-hearted and relaxed.

The lyrical sound twisted my heart, turning my self-pity into f*cking rage. I barged into Kestrel’s apartment wing with no knock, no request, and slammed to a halt.

Flaw, Kes, and Nila sat in a grouping of wingbacks, smiling and sharing a good old f*cking laugh.

What. The. Fuck?

Kes looked up, his mouth spread into a broad smile. “Jet! Nice of you to join us.” His tone was a direct contradiction to his welcome.

I narrowed my eyes, trying to understand how my brother—my one ally who knew the truth about me—was antagonising me to the point of ruining everything. What was his deal?

I stupidly felt betrayed—worse than betrayed—provoked.

Nila’s laugh cut off as she sat straighter in her chair. Her cheeks were flushed, annoyance at my interruption bright in her dark eyes.

She had the gall to be annoyed at me? When she belonged to me?

Flaw had the decency to stand. “Eh, I think I better go check on the…” Clearing his throat, he moved away from the small group. “Catch you guys later.”

With a sideways look at me, he disappeared through the door, shutting it behind him.

The moment he’d gone, I seethed, “Care to explain what’s going on?”

Kes stood up. “Calm down and no, I don’t. You don’t have to understand everything, Jet.” Throwing a quick grin at Nila, he asked, “Unless you’d care to tell my brother what’s so funny?”

Nila stared at me coldly. A second ticked past, then another, her temper shooting me cleanly through the chest.

“Well?” My heart pounded, once again shrugging out of the frosty shield in favour of rage.

Finally, she shook her head. “No. I don’t think he deserves to know.”