Fireblood (Frostblood Saga #2)(77)
“What?” he asked, startled.
“Oh, sorry, that last one comes with the marriage vows. She wants heirs.” It was harder to be flippant about that last part. I rested my head against the chair back and closed my eyes. It was humiliating to realize how deftly the queen had maneuvered me. And I could only imagine what Arcus thought about me going along with this farce.
He was silent for a minute before asking, “And you’ve agreed to the marriage for the queen’s sake? Or for your own?”
I shook my head, rolling it from side to side against the satiny brocade. “I agreed because I had to. The third trial was a test of obedience. I had to agree, or I’d fail the trials and lose my chance at finding a way to stop the Minax.”
It was eerily silent. I opened my eyes as a gale-force sigh swept toward me like a cool breeze, stirring the loose hairs at my temples. He stabbed his fingers through his hair in a shaky gesture of relief. “The moment you saw me, those should have been the first words out of your mouth! When I was torturing myself with thoughts of you promising to love another for all eternity.”
“You didn’t let me say anything! You were snapping at me the moment I walked in! But honestly, did you think I’d jumped into an engagement within weeks of leaving you? You know me better than that.”
He flopped back in the chair, his chest rising and falling on a deep breath. “Good gods, woman. You’ll be the death of me.”
“Don’t say that.” I touched his knee, and my hand was instantly imprisoned in his larger one. The cold was enticingly familiar. I treasured every goose bump that traveled up my arm.
“The kiss was real, though,” he murmured after a minute, while his thumb traced the back of my hand.
“What?” I was lost in the pleasure of touching him again after so long.
“Your kiss wasn’t fake. And you were too comfortable together for it to be your first.”
“Oh.” A frown pulled my brows together. How could I sum up my complicated relationship with Kai? I didn’t even understand it myself. Suddenly, I felt both guilty and defensive. When I’d left Tempesia, Arcus had told me we had to let each other go. I had tried to do that and I hadn’t been very successful.
“We’ve spent a great deal of time together training for the trials,” I said simply. “And no, it wasn’t the first.” I hated hurting him, but I hated lying more.
He pulled back to sit with his hands on the chair’s armrests. I drew my hand to my lap, hurt, even though I could understand his apparent rejection.
He spoke with quiet force. “I’m trying so hard to tell myself that it doesn’t matter and that you and I hadn’t made any promises. That clearly I felt something that you didn’t and I fooled myself into thinking there was more.” His eyes found mine, drowning me in shades of a cloudless summer sky. “But even though you never said exactly what you felt for me… Ruby,” his voice broke a little on my name, “I truly believed there was more.”
“There is,” I said desperately, gutted by the pain I saw in his eyes.
“But so soon?” He blinked. “You just… found someone else?”
“It’s not like that. It’s… complicated.” I threw up my hands, still struggling to put it all into words. “When I left, we knew it would never work between us. The court would never let it.”
“You knew that. You were convinced. Not me.”
I leaned forward angrily. “Well, you were fooling yourself, then. Because I did nothing but undercut you by being there and that is a fact, whether you choose to believe it or not.”
“I still don’t accept that.”
“I didn’t, either. Until they tried to kill you over it.” I shivered at the memory. “Watching you almost die had a rather sobering effect on my daydreams.”
His lips twisted. “I’ll admit that the threat of death has a way of clarifying things.”
I took a steadying breath. Whatever we had to sort out would have to wait. His life was at stake.
“Speaking of which, you’re not exactly safe here. I will do anything I can to get you back on your ship.”
His eyes swept me in a thorough perusal. “And what about you? Will you go through with a wedding that you don’t even want? Or have you decided you do want it, after all?”
“I don’t want it. I told you that. But the only thing I can think of right now is getting you out of here. I can barely breathe thinking of how much the queen hates you and what she might do.”
He rubbed his hand over the beginning of a beard on his chin. “I know the feeling. All I did after you left was think about you. Worry about you. Miss you.” There was naked longing in his voice, and my heart leaped in response. “I couldn’t bear it. Even if I’d received word that you were fine, I think I still would have come and tried to persuade you to come home.”
“Home.” I sat trembling in the chair, his words and tone affecting me more than I wanted, making me want to curl up and weep in his arms. “I don’t even know where that is.”
“You’re my home,” Arcus said softly.
I put a hand to my chest, pressing against the lump of pain that was gathering there. My whole body seemed caught in flame that was consuming me from the inside.