Fireblood (Frostblood Saga #2)(30)

“Yes, I know this.”

“Even though it was necessary to my survival, I sometimes feel the burden of what I’ve done. Sometimes I even feel like a… a dark presence has taken hold of me.”

“What kind of presence?” he asked, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

“I have memories of those fights that are so real, it’s as if I’m reliving them. For a few moments… sometimes… I can’t tell what’s real.”

I watched his face, gauging his reaction. I had to be careful not to tell him things that would make him distrust me, but at the same time, a part of me wanted to unburden myself. Part of me still wanted absolution for what I’d done, even though I’d had no choice. The death of Clay—the boy from my village whose rebellion against King Rasmus had landed him in the arena—wasn’t my fault, but it still haunted me. And the eyes of Captain Drake’s wife and daughter as I stood over his bloodied corpse flashed into my mind at odd moments. I told Kai, and he listened quietly with a neutral expression.

“So you had a flashback in the tavern?” he asked.

“I… The man must have reminded me of someone I’d fought in the arena.”

It hadn’t been a flashback, though. The Minax had made me see things that weren’t there. No wonder there had been so many murders. It must trick people into thinking they are under attack, filling their minds with hallucinations.

“But you said something had come for you. A curse. You begged me to take you away before it came back.”

I grasped at the first explanation that came to mind. “There are times I believe I’ve been cursed for what I’ve done. And I want to escape that curse and start over.”

There was truth in that. I wanted to be free of the Minax. I wanted to discover what my life would be like without the creature’s consciousness affecting my thoughts and dreams, ruining my sleep and my peace of mind with guilt and disturbing memories.

His expression was serious, lips firm, eyes a little wary as he said, “And what happens if you encounter someone else who reminds you of an old opponent? Will you attack that person, too?”

I shook my head and spoke with conviction. “Those flashbacks are connected to Tempesia. When I’m in a new place, those memories will fade.”

I hoped that was true, that I was leaving my visions behind. I was on a ship sailing south on the Vast Sea. Surely I’d be safe from the Minax with that much distance between us. And when I returned to Tempesia, I’d be armed with the knowledge, and hopefully the means, to destroy it.

Suddenly I felt lighter. Calmer.

“Are you sorry you brought me along?” I braced for him to tell me that I was too dangerous to be on his ship.

His eyes narrowed thoughtfully, but he didn’t answer right away. I burrowed into the covers and watched the lantern light flicker against the ceiling.

He made a sort of thoughtful humming noise and stood up, stretching his arms, pressing his long-fingered hands against the low ceiling, then smoothing his shirt back into place and tugging on his cuffs. His keen gaze came to rest on me. “I’m not sorry I brought you. I understand wanting to leave your past behind. And you have survived things even I cannot imagine.”

“Thank you,” I said again, nearly weak with relief. “I know you could have taken me to the constable.”

He leaned his leg against the bed and gave a wolfish half smile. “Do you really think I’d have taken my little bird to the constable?”

“I’m grateful to you, Kai. But I am neither yours nor a little bird.”

“But you look like one. Lost and alone in your nest.” He picked up a few strands of my hair and let them fall, laughing as I narrowed my eyes at him. “And it’s so easy to ruffle your feathers.”

“Don’t make it sound as if you brought me along out of pity. I haven’t forgotten that you told our attackers in the garden that I could help get something you need.”

“They want you in Sudesia, and I’m bringing you. Why shouldn’t I receive something in exchange for my trouble?”

“Who wants me?”

He hesitated. “Queen Nalani and her husband, Prince Eiko.”

The prospect of the queen’s attendance at the ball, though unlikely, had been monumental enough. The idea that she actually cared about my existence, had even sent someone to bring me to her kingdom, was too much to contemplate.

As a child, my grandmother had told me stories about the magnificent Queen Nalani, beloved by all Firebloods. In my daydreams, she was warm, unguarded, intimidating but fair. It was a fantasy, I knew, and yet a seed of that belief had remained. Whatever her failings, I was sure she wouldn’t be like King Rasmus—a twisted and power-hungry warmonger.

Unless the other Minax was inhabiting her throne and warping her mind.

“What is she like?” I asked, fearing the answer.

“She’s not someone you want as an enemy,” he answered, then added with amusement, “Don’t look so worried. She is a good queen. She cares about her people.”

I let out a relieved breath. “What would she want with me?”

He shrugged. “Do you think she tells me everything?”

I lifted my brows. “Surely you can guess.”

His lips quirked. “You’re very modest for a Fireblood, you know. It’s not that mysterious, Ruby. You destroyed the frost throne. You’re a person worth knowing.”