Fire In His Eyes (Secrets & Seduction #1)(45)

I had dreams and fantasies about him every night. Sometimes I would dream that I hadn’t been on the pill all these months and had gotten pregnant and had a child, to have at least a part of him always. I dreamed he would come for me telling me it had been a joke, or that he would divorce his wife for me. Other times it was that we had met up years later, and we would rekindle our love, or he would see me somewhere we both had gone, a chance meeting, and he would run to me, and tell me everything I wanted to hear. It was hard. The dreams made me happy when I had them, but sad in the light of day because I knew they would never come true. It was hard.

When, summer was over it got a little easier because I had work to occupy my mind for a great part of the day. But the nights were still torture. I forgot to eat. I lost weight. Too much. My sister was starting to worry. My birthday came and went and October arrived with cooler nights. It started to get dark earlier and that made me sad too, and lonely. But the change in the seasons also snapped me out of my depression. I spent more time outside trying to be active and keep my thoughts off of Victor. I puttered in my garden; I painted the trim on my house. I kept myself occupied. I had wasted so many years being afraid, and I didn’t want to spend years being sad. So, I started going out with my friends to a movie here and there. I played cards with my mom and Tom when they were in town. I had coffee with my sister and I even went to a theme park her and Teddy for Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios in Orlando sometime in mid-October.

That was a fun night. We had fun with zombies jumping out of the bush, and chasing us. We laughed like crazy when one zombie jumped out of a garbage can and Teddy screamed like a girl. It was so f*cking hilarious I almost peed myself. The haunted houses were terrifying. We stayed out pretty late that night. Before leaving the park at two o’clock, we all decided to have a cup of coffee at Cinnabon’s before the two-hour drive home to keep us awake and alert. We chatted like old times in the car. She and Teddy teased one another mercilessly. She complained about his driving and he complained about her choice in music. She liked him a lot, it was obvious. She more than liked him. He had a good heart. He was honest. I could tell. What you saw was what you got with him, and she too, who had been lied to, humiliated and hurt would find that very that refreshing.

The song by Alicia Keys called “If I Ain’t Got You” came on the radio. I liked her songs a lot. I sang the words to her song softly in the back seat of the car. Even though the lyrics of the song epitomized my feelings for Victor, I didn’t cry, even though I wanted to. Alicia sang of a life not worth living without her man, and even though Victor was lost to me I did not feel that way. I was happy with the memories we had made. I was happy that I didn’t cry. It was a step, I thought. Maybe two.



When, I got home at four thirty in the morning, ready to crash and sleep until noon I was met by the flashing light of my answering machine.

I lay down, closed my eyes, and hit play, just in case it was from my mom or dad. My eyes popped open when I heard his voice. It was Victor. I sat up in bed, suddenly wide awake my heart hammering in my chest. I hadn’t heard his voice in three months.

“Hi, Monica. I just saw you. Actually, I am at Universal, and I am watching you right now. You lost a lot of weight, babe- . . . a lot of weight. You look happy, though. You and your sister and her boyfriend are talking and having coffee and it looks like you are having a good time. I just wanted to let you know I’m happy that you’re okay. I was worried about you. I’m better too, so don’t worry about me. Okay, well bye. I don’t want . . . just . . . be happy, okay?”

He had seen me, watched me at Universal Studios. He didn’t come to say hello. Two steps forward, I thought, one step back. And, I was crying again. Until I slept.

I called my sister as soon as I woke up. I woke her up.

“Please, come over as soon as you can,” I begged. “I got a message from Victor. I want you to hear it, and tell me what you think.”

“Arggh, really.” I heard her grumble something to Teddy. “Okay, give me an hour, sweetie. I’ll be there soon as I can.” And then, she hung up.



She listened to the message twice before she would say anything; it was my tenth time hearing it.

“Well,” she said, “he definitely sounds sad, but happy to see you are doing better. He did love you, Mon. It probably killed him to leave you like that and wonder how you were doing, if you were coping. Maybe it’s closure for him. He knows you’re okay, so now he can move on, but . . .” she trailed off looking away from my eyes.

“But, what?” I was grasping at straws, trying to read between the lines, looking for clues, anything that would tell me he was happy, he had moved on, or he still wanted me and was willing to give up trying to hang on to a woman who didn’t want him and probably didn’t love him anymore.

“He was watching us when he called. He called when he knew you wouldn’t answer,” she stated. What could that have meant, I thought.

“Why? Why do you think that is important, Ana tell me?” I begged wringing my hands together.

“He has probably wanted to call you a thousand times, Mon, but was afraid to hurt you when he made contact or be rejected. Calling you when you are not home is safe. He can’t be rejected, yet he can still reach out,” she stated. Sure, I thought, that made sense. He felt bad, and wanted me to know he has worried, that his feelings were real. Ana interrupted my thoughts, and continued in a rush. “I think you should call him, Mon. Find out what he means by ‘he is in a better place.’ You need closure, too. But, do like he did and leave a message. Call when you know he wouldn’t usually answer. It’s worth a shot, baby girl.”