Find Me Alastar(39)

Probably the most disturbing piece of information came to me today when I realized that, if given the chance, I would do it again.

Tonight.

Any night. In fact, I would go as far as to say if he was driving down the street I would probably run out in front of his car so he could knock me over. Then, and only then, would the bastard have to acknowledge me and acknowledge this shitty feeling he has left in my gut. Longing and guilt all rolled into disgust. I even went and had blood tests on Monday in my lunch break. If he didn’t wear a condom with me he obviously doesn’t wear them with anyone else, either, and with sexual skills like that, I am imagining he gets a lot of practice in. My eyes close in pain as I remember the drinking game. How many women has he played that with? I bet it has 100% success rate because I fell for it, hook line and sinker.

I’m disgusted with myself.

No man has ever affected me like Alastar. His beautiful eyes and that body were built for sin. I keep seeing his face and the way that he looked at me when we were making love. I can feel the way he touched me and I’m aching for him to touch me again. I drop my head into my hands, aware that I’m turning into someone I don’t like. I look up from my desk toward reception and Stephanie narrows her beady little eyes at me.

Stephanie, also known as the blonde bust-a-move chick from reception. I picked Travis’ mind for the gossip, and coincidentally enough, she is the chick who has slept with Mark in the past. Now that I know this I can easily see by the way her eyes follow him around the office that she still has a thing for him. Unfortunately, for her, and me, his eyes are following my ass around the office.

This whole situation is one big f*ck up. I know I have to tell mark that I just want to be friends, but to be honest, I feel too weak at the moment to even go there. There is absolutely no fight left in this soul of mine.

I pick up my phone and check it again. He still hasn’t called. In my desperate mind I want to message Alastar and tell him I’m thinking about him and wish him goodnight… but why drag myself through the mud any further? A little voice that comes from my stupid heart keeps reminding me maybe he may not be married—that maybe he really did care as much as he seemed to during our night together. The logical part of my brain keeps over ruling, however. Who would have called him in the middle of the night other than a partner? Why else would he get up and leave me like that? Why hasn’t he called at all? He isn’t thinking about me or he would be here now.



* * *



“Are you getting the chocolate and caramel?” I ask Brielle as I stare through the frosted glass cabinet. It’s Wednesday night and I am in the ice cream parlor with Hank and Brielle. Hank has been beautiful to me this week while I have been down, and I just know that the girl who gets him is going to be one lucky bitch.

“Yes, what are you getting?”

“Mocha and macadamia crunch.”

“Mmm, yum. Let’s sit near the window.” She gestures to the seat near the front of the shop.

“So, tell me why we are here again?” I ask as I take my seat next to the two of them.

“Spying.”

I frown. “On who?”

She narrows her eyes as she looks out the window to the restaurant across the road. “Julian has a date tonight.” I smirk. “So?”

Hank narrows his eyes as he stares toward the restaurant.

She licks her ice cream angrily. “So… I want to see what this Bernadette with the toffee voice looks like.”

“Ugh, you so like him now.” I roll my eyes. “You’re actually admitting it?”

“No, this is…” She hesitates as she thinks of an answer. “I’m checking on him for the kids.”

Hank smirks into his ice cream as he licks it. I smile broadly and shake my head. “That’s a deplorable lie and you know it. Did he tell you he had a date?”

She shakes her head. “No, the girl… woman… whatever she is, rang and left a message with me asking me to tell him that she had changed the restaurant for tonight. Apparently, his phone was switched off and she couldn’t reach him.”

I nod as I peer through the window. “What did he say when you gave him the message?”

“He seemed… uncomfortable.”

I smile.

“What?” She frowns.

“I love it when you know something that they don’t think you know.”

She nods and clinks her ice cream with mine. “Same here.”

“Tell me about the concert?” Brielle asks Hank.

Hank smiles proudly and I join him. “Hank kissed a girl.”

“What?” Brielle whispers as she widens her eyes. “This is great. Did you get to second base?”

“No.” He screws up his face.

We sit in silence for a moment. “Have you heard from Alastar?” she asks me.

It’s my turn to violently lick my ice cream this time. “Nope.”

“Hmm. What did he actually say to you again?”

“He said that he wasn’t married and that he was annoyed at the insinuation.” She frowns. “He’s a bit up himself, isn’t he?”

“Totally,” I reply flatly. I begin to get the strobe light sensation in my eyes again and I grip the edge of the table to hold my balance. The white light flickers and then it stops suddenly. I frown. What the heck is this?