Feversong (Fever #9)(92)
“So, I might be a seriously younger man,” Dancer said, smirking. “You cougar, you.”
I snickered. Me, a cougar. Right. “Not in any way that matters,” I told him. Age didn’t exist when I was with him. He was just Dancer and I was just me. We were sprawled out on our backs on one of the counters in the physics lab, holding hands. I’d dropped by to stock up on food but had taken one look at the exhaustion in his face and ended up staying, searching for something to say that would make him light up, recharge.
He propped himself up on an elbow. “Tell me more about Shazam.”
I stared into those long-lashed, brilliant aqua eyes that I adored seeing light up with laughter and fascination, especially when they were turned my way. What deranged God would give him a damaged heart? I’d already told him how we’d met. So I told him why we had to leave Dada. “He ate all the fish. I think to extinction. The other animals found out and stampeded, chased us all the way to the exit portal I located shortly after we arrived. He was only gone an hour when he did it.” I frowned. “I’m not sure how he ate them all so fast. I think he has another form he never lets me see. Maybe more than one. There’s a lot about Shazam I don’t know. The whole hiding up in the air gig, he never taught me how to do it, though I pestered him relentlessly.”
And it would have proved invaluable if he had. Some worlds had shorted out my sidhe-seer gifts. Shaz had a theory those planets were heavily laced with some mineral my blood reacted to badly. I’d always felt sick on those worlds and been unable to freeze-frame. Those had been tough worlds to survive. I had no clue how ordinary folks got through the days.
“Shaz says there are things limited life-forms like me aren’t supposed to know until they reach that phase of evolution. You know, he’d been really good with his diet up until then, too. I’d had him restricted to plant life. I didn’t think it was fair for him to eat another living being on Dada. They were so funny and playful and curious. They had complex societies and strong familial bonds. I asked him how he would like it if something ate him. He sank into an enormous depression for days, weeping uncontrollably, then told me with regal ire that ‘For my Yi-yi, alone, I will starve if she so demands it.’?” I added dryly, “She so demanded it. He wasn’t starving. Shazam has enough belly fat to live off for months. But I’d never tell him that,” I added hastily. “He’s super sensitive about his appearance.”
Dancer rolled over onto his stomach, head propped on fists, eyes dancing with excitement. I was relieved to see he looked far less tired than when I’d first arrived. “Mega, I’ve got to meet him! Why didn’t you bring him back with you?”
Just like that, the shining bubble of happiness I’d blown for us popped. I closed my eyes and focused on my breath. After a long moment I said, “I’m starving. Mind if I hit up your supplies?”
When I opened my eyes, he was still in the same position, watching me with that steady, brilliant gaze. “Why did he call you Yi-yi?”
I had no intention of answering him but this was the most freely I’d spoken to anyone about my time Silverside. I was finding it increasingly difficult to say no to Dancer about anything, and my mouth said, “It was his way of saying he loved me. He used to say, ‘I see you, Yi-yi.’?”
Dancer smiled and pushed to his feet. “What are you hungry for? I’ll nuke us some lunch.”
“I need to head out to the abbey. I’ve wasted too much time already.”
“It’s good to take a break every now and then, Mega. Just like your vacation on Dada. Thanks for telling me about it. I want to hear about other worlds, too, like where you went from there. I want to hear about all of them.” He shook his head with a look that was equal parts admiration and unabashed envy. “Christ, I’ve only ever seen one bloody world. You’ve seen what, hundreds? Thousands? Mega, when this is over, let’s go off world. Let’s go adventuring! We can do anything, go anywhere!”
I raided his little pantry in back, grabbed a few dozen protein bars, crammed all but one in my backpack, ripped it open, and headed for the door.
“Sure,” I forced out through a tight throat.
“See you tonight, Pinky?” he called after me.
We used to crack ourselves up calling each other Pinky and the Brain in a much simpler time, hatching our schemes to take over the world.
He’d kissed me last night. I’d slept over. The abbey was a ruin and none of my old hidey-holes had appealed. I’d been someone else when I stayed in those places, someone I’d never be again.
I’d slept on the couch despite his insistence I take the bed and he’d take the couch.
I shaped a No, I’m busy, with my lips, prepared to toss it over my shoulder. Instantly, a vision exploded in my head: dropping by tomorrow to find him dead. Last word he’d ever heard from me a “No.”
His heart was my cage.
Dictating my actions. Making me think hard about everything I said and did. Knowing it was going to end badly no matter what I said or did. How was I supposed to care about someone I knew I wouldn’t get to keep? By any logic, it was stupid. Self-destructive. Pointless. Bring on the erosion. I’d said to him last night, You do know you’re going to die before me, right? He’d laughed and said, Wow, that’s arrogant, Mega. I don’t take nearly the risks you do. Nobody ever knows how long anybody is going to live. Stop thinking about it. I don’t. Live in the moment. You always used to.