Fantasy of Fire (The Tainted Accords #3)(75)

Jovan unleashes a vicious kick at the stand of spears. They fall to the ground in a clatter. My heart beats loudly at the sudden noise.

“I should have bloody listened,” he says tightly, looking away from me. “I’ve been a fucking fool for years and never knew it.”

“Blaine was an accomplished liar.”

“That’s not good enough!” He hefts another spear up and releases it with unbridled strength. I hear a splitting sound from the other end of the courtyard. I frown, contemplating the tension in his massive shoulders.

“You can’t know everything, Jovan. That would be more than any man or woman could do. More than your father could have done,” I say. “Don’t put the weight of two worlds on your shoulders. It can crush even the strongest of men.”

His shoulders sag and he lowers the spear he was about to throw.

“And what about the smallest of women?” he asks.

“Them too.” I smile woefully under my veil.

I retreat to the stone stairs and sit on the lowest step, listening to the rhythmic sound of weapon hitting wood. The whisper of his approaching step is one of my favorite sounds. I don’t stir when he sits beside me.

“My pride is the most wounded of all,” he admits, leaning back as he straightens and crosses his legs. “I can’t help wondering, if I wasn't so...” he searches for the word, “damaged after my parents’ deaths, if I would have noticed his mutiny.”

I don’t say anything. All of us have been where he is at some stage. Doubting and picking at details of the past. Mine was not so long ago when Jovan made me realize I was running away from what was right. But I’ve learned not to wear away at the past; I’ve learned to grow wiser from it and move on.

“I want to be strong for my people. I want to be as strong as my father.” He squeezes my hand tightly. “I want to be strong for you,” he says softly. “The hardest thing is realizing Glacium has been balancing on the verge of carnage for most of my rule while I've foolishly thought I had a handle on it. How will I know if it happens again?”

I squeeze his hand before slipping from his grasp. How close are his guards? “Your men and people look up to you. They trust you. And now you have a system in place. You know the signs. Jovan, you are the strongest man I know,” I say. I squeeze my eyes shut. “For what it’s worth, I’m so very sorry.” I swallow a lump in my throat. “I’m sorry the person who betrayed you was someone you held dear. And I’m sorry I couldn’t make it easier for you. I feel as though I keep ripping people away from you. First Kedrick and now Blaine.”

He grabs my hand and this time I know I won’t be able to slip away.

“Never apologize for what you did. Glacium owes you a great debt,” he says and looks out across the training yard. “The thing that makes this all worse is you think I don’t trust you. That I wasn’t listening because I had no faith in you. But it wasn’t that,” he says with difficulty.

“I know.” I squeeze his hand. This had been his way of coping, one he hadn’t recognized for what it was: blind denial.

He kisses my palm. “Never think I’m resentful for what you did three days ago. My pride will heal and I’ll be smarter for this. And Lina, I swear to you, I’ll never treat you that way again. Never again.”

My face heats. “Even as you protected Blaine, I knew why you were doing so. Out of everyone, you know I understand. That I’ve been somewhere similar.”

“How do you see it all?” he asks.

I start at the sudden topic change. “I imagine the same way as you see things around you,” I answer, shifting on the stone steps. He shakes his head at my reply. He’s so handsome it breaks my heart to look at him.

“No, that’s not it.” He leans in and lifts my veil, kissing the healing scratch on my neck. I shiver as his lips brush the tender skin there.

“No,” he says softly. “You're different. There’s no one like you on either world,” he says.

I lean into him. “What about the Ire?” I ask. He laughs, tilting his head back.

“Or the Ire,” he adds.

I sit next to his reclined form, distracted by the warmth of his leg. I tilt my face up to the sky, listening to the peaceful sounds of the night around me. It is tranquility layered over the muffled murmur and occasional peal of laughter from inside the castle.

“My people need me,” he finally says in a weighted tone. I don’t move from where I’m seated, loath to break the rightness of this moment—the full feeling in my head and heart.

“Yes,” I murmur. “They do.”

And so do mine.

*

I attend the next meeting with Jovan. Drummond greets me with a pat on the back, which almost pushes my face into the floor. Roscoe hugs me tightly, saying he’s proud of me, and several of the others murmur hearty welcomes. It’s a little startling to see how changed the advisors are toward me. I hear Ashawn sniggering as I pass him and laugh quietly in return. It must look quite humorous. Jovan looks up at the sound, his expression too far away to read. I was disappointed he hadn’t crept into my chamber last night. The thought showed I was long past what I should and shouldn’t do.

The council has been busy while I’ve been avoiding them. I listen to the drastic changes already made.