Fantasy of Fire (The Tainted Accords #3)(22)

“You need sleep, Olina.”

“Yes,” I mumble.

“Preferably not while you’re upright,” he grumbles. I roll my eyes at him. I’ve only done that once. Maybe twice.

“I’ll sleep once I talk to Landon,” I say. I want to check how my brother’s been coping during my absence.

“You may see him once you’ve rested,” Jovan orders. My eyelids snap open at his demanding voice.

A crease forms between my eyebrows as our gazes lock. The tension becomes unbearable and then somehow, it changes to something more. But there’s still that hardness in his gaze. Why is that there? I need to say something. I need to tell him nothing can happen between us. I even thought about what I could say, that I don’t think I’ll ever have a normal relationship. That’s my life. The only man who is strong enough to handle my destiny, is the one man I can never have. If I’m somehow able to rule Osolis, our subjects will never stand for a relationship between us. If I can’t rule, it will be because everyone knows I’m half-Bruma and Jovan’s people will raise hell. We’re stuck either way.

“Do you fear me now?” he asks in a hoarse voice, startling me.

“What?” I ask, shock sharpening my voice.

“For what happened after the ball.” His jaw clenches. Is this why he’s acting strange?

My face warms as I understand we’re having this conversation. I’d identified my attraction to Jovan soon after returning from the Outer Rings. I guess I’d been too sad about Kedrick to notice him before. The night of the First Sector ball we both drank enough to forget ourselves. The next morning I’d run to the Ire with Crystal, afraid of what I felt for Jovan, and afraid of what he’d unleashed in me. I’d been determined to forget him for the good of everyone.

He still grips my face and I can’t say a word. Embarrassment twists my tongue.

“I was so patient. So careful with you,” he says softly. “But my control slipped that night. I’m older, and more experienced. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you.” He’s breathing hard when he finishes. His hand releases my chin and he steps back. “Please accept my apologies, if you can.”

His words turn over in my stunned mind. I struggle to understand them at first. But eventually the meaning becomes clear. I tilt my head in bewilderment. He’s got it all wrong. I won’t have him shoulder the blame for both of us.

“Y-you think you took advantage of me?” I ask, shocked to believe he could think so. But he was nearly five years older, so I can see how he’d come to the ridiculous conclusion.

His eyes are dark as they rest on me.

I shake my head again. “If anything, it was the other way around.”

Jovan throws his head back in uproarious laughter. I listen to him battle for breath, enjoying the rare sound. I don’t understand why he’s laughing, but that’s not unusual for me here.

“How do you figure that?” he says. “You were inexperienced. You should have been courted, not taken to bed after one kiss.”

My whole being wants to get out of here. This isn’t a conversation I ever wanted to have. With anyone! There’s not even a thread to pick on my flying suit to distract me. “Jovan, we were drunk,” I mumble, surveying the floor. “We forgot our stations because of our … mutual attraction,” I force out, cringing. “I knew what my actions would lead to. I wanted them to lead to … that. And I didn’t run because I was afraid of you, or felt disrespected. Things here are so different from Osolis. I’m aware of that and I can handle it.” I meet his eyes for the first time, begging him to see the truth there.

“Then why did you run from me?” he asks in low voice.

It strikes me for the first time that I’ve hurt him terribly. The realization is oddly painful. “I thought to give us time to regain the proper distance expected of two opposing rulers. I refuse to put myself at risk of repeating my mother’s mistake.”

His expression is blank. I can’t glean anything from it.

I give him an exasperated look, trying to figure him out. “There can be nothing between us! You know this …”

It’s tense and deadly silent. I close my eyes so I don’t have to see his horrible, hard face.

He moves to the second exit. It leads back into the hallway. “I think it’s best if you rest. We can discuss these updates more completely when you’re refreshed.” I walk up to him, avoiding his penetrating gaze. Times like these, when he’s closed down, I have to convince myself he was smiling moments before.

He grabs my arm as I squeeze past him. “I’m sorry that you have any cause to regret what we shared. The night was one of the best of my life.” His words are a statement. He enjoyed what we shared. I smile down at his hand on mine, unreasonably happy at his words. He’s reassured some small insecurities I had from our night together. He puts a hand on the wall by my head, caging me.

I crane my neck to peek up at him in the doorway, deciding to set one matter straight before I close this matter for good. “I never said I regretted what we shared. It just can’t happen again,” I say. I congratulate myself on getting the hard words out. “For what it’s worth …” I look down again. “I’m happy it happened with you.”

Something sparks in his piercing blue eyes. I move between his eyes, trying to understand the sudden energy in his face. The tension is at overwhelming levels now. He opens his mouth to speak again, but I dart under his arm.