Everything You Want Me to Be(67)

Jake got to work and I left the business and noise of the station behind and opened the door to my office. Winifred turned as I came in, but Mona didn’t even lift her head. She looked like she was made of stone, with her feet together and hands folded over the big, faded purse in her lap. Her eyes saw nothing; everything about her was turned inward, locked inside.

I’d known Mona nearly as long as Bud, saw her pregnant with both Greg and Hattie. Other than the size of her belly, you’d never have thought she was expecting. Whenever the baby gave her a good kick from the inside, she’d said, You just come out here and try that, and rubbed the spot before carrying on with whatever she was doing. Now she worked part-time for the only lawyer in town, doing his typing and filing, while still helping Bud in the fields, taking care of the house, and putting food on the table to boot. She made a mean potpie, with whole mushrooms and big hunks of chicken in a white wine sauce and always served it sizzling right out of the oven. If you complimented her on it, she’d just shrug and say it was nothing fancy.

To tell the truth, Mona and I were probably more alike than me and Bud. Neither of us had much time for small talk. So I knew she was here today for a reason.

“Mona.”

I sat down on the other side of the desk. Winifred stood behind her with her hand on Mona’s shoulder, giving the kind of silent comfort a friend should, but me, I had to put that desk between us. I had to look at her as next of kin, not as a woman I’d known for almost half her life.

“It never crossed my mind.”

She didn’t seem to be speaking to either of us. Winifred and I glanced at each other and waited for her to continue.

“In all the months since Greg’s been gone, I never once thought I could lose Hattie. It’s been Greg, Greg, Greg. Greg stepping on a land mine in my head in the middle of the night. Greg’s unit getting attacked. Greg’s face still and pale in a coffin. Greg’s been my nightmare and I thought I could trade them off. Greg’s tour is up in July, and Hattie had it in her head she was going to New York. I’d get one back and start worrying about the other. That seemed . . . fair.”

Her gaze finally focused and she looked at me now, all the anguish in the world swimming in her eyes.

“I never thought I could lose her when she was so close to me. Not here at home, in Pine Valley.” Winifred held tight to Mona’s shoulder with her bony fingers like she was keeping Mona upright, and shot me a look like women do when they want you to do something or they think you’re making a mess of it.

“Mona, what are you doing here? This is the last place you need to be right now.”

“There’s something you need to know. About Hattie.”

She reached up and patted Winifred’s hand. “Wait for me in the lobby, will you?”

“You sure, honey?”

“I’ll be along in a minute.”

Winifred gave her a pat and me a warning look before she left and shut the door behind her. Mona paused again. She seemed to be collecting her energy.

“All these people keep asking about me. Doing things for me. I can’t stand it. It’s not about me, Del. I would feel this way for the rest of my life if she could just be alive. It wouldn’t matter if I never saw her again, never hugged her. I would cut off my hands and feet just to know her heart was beating. That she was breathing and smiling and living somewhere. How can I live knowing she’s not? I can’t bear it, Del. I can’t bear it.”

She pressed her lips together, fighting for control.

“You have to take it one day at a time, Mona. Just focus on what’s next.”

She nodded. “Winifred says you learn how to live with it, that the grief becomes your new child.”

“She lost two; she would know.”

Mona nodded and took a deep breath, changing the topic.

“Bud says you don’t know about the DNA yet.”

“No, not yet. And I know Bud’s upset.”

“We’re all upset, Del.”

“No, I didn’t mean about—I meant—” Christ, I didn’t know how to handle women. Maybe if I’d been married for more than two seconds, I’d be better at this sort of thing. Mona saw my floundering and, despite what had just been robbed from her, still had the good grace to step in.

“Bud told me about your call this morning. He was angry. He expected more from you.”

“Mona—”

“I know, Del. You have to do your job. I know about disclosure and what you can and can’t say. I used to read detective novels.” Her gaze dropped. “For fun.”

“I’m not trying to keep Bud in the dark about anything.” I didn’t even realize it was a lie until the words were already out. I kept talking, just like the lying criminals did, trying to justify it, to make it better. “Once we get the DNA back, the whole game’s gonna change. Hattie’s killer’s not going to be able to hide for long. Believe me.”

She looked up again and I saw she trusted me. She trusted her friend of twenty-five years to find her daughter’s killer, and even though I knew I was doing the right thing keeping this Lund thing quiet, it still tore at me. It turned my stomach.

“Bud will understand later. He’ll calm down.”

I knew he might understand if he ever had to find out the whole truth, but I didn’t know if he’d forgive me for keeping it from him. I shook my head, needing to move on.