Everlasting (The Immortals #6)(24)
My fate. My reason for being—the reason I keep coming back, being born over and over again. I have to go, there’s real y no choice.
And while I know you don’t like it, and while I know you won’t like it no matter how good an argument I wage, I’m wil ing to settle for mere grudging acceptance. Basical y, I’l settle for whatever I can get. Because Damen, while there’s definitely a good chance that she’s stark-raving crazy, there’s also just as good a chance that she’s onto something real. And I just know in my heart that this is what I need to—no, scratch that, I know in my soul that this is what I’m meant to do. It’s like she said, it’s a destiny only I can fulfil . And while I wish you could join me, while I wish that more than anything, she made it very clear that you can’t. And…” I gulp, the lump in my throat like a hot, angry firebal , but stil I push past it and add, “And I just hope you can find a way to accept that, even if you can’t get around to supporting it.”
can’t get around to supporting it.”
Damen nods, taking his time to formulate a reply. Thrusting his legs out before him, crossing them at the ankle as his fingers trace the rim of the bottle. “So, what you’re tel ing me is that nothing I can say or do wil stop you from going through with this?
From setting out on your own?”
I lower my gaze, thankful that our conversation has steered far from the screaming match I envisioned, and yet in some ways I’m surprised to realize it’s worse. Impassioned arguing is pretty easy to hurdle once enough time has passed, but this, this sort of grudging acceptance I thought I’d be happy to get, wel , it leaves me feeling sad, lonely, and depressingly bleak.
“And when do you plan to head off on this journey?”
“Soon.” I nod, forcing myself to look at him when I add, “Pretty much now. No reason to delay, right?”
He buries his face in his hands, spending a few silent moments rubbing his eyes, doing his best to avoid me. And when he does look up again, he stares off in the distance, past the meticulously landscaped yard, past the pool, past the ocean beyond, to some troubling mental landscape viewable only to him, careful y shielding his thoughts.
“I wish you wouldn’t do this,” he says, the words simple but heartfelt.
I nod.
“But if you insist, then I insist on going with you.”
He looks at me. “It’s too dangerous—too…” He frowns, pushes his hair off his face.
“Too vague, too uncertain—I can’t just let you trot off into the muck on your own. Ever, don’t you see? You’re my whole world! I can’t just al ow you to head off on some crazy old lady’s journey!”
His eyes meet mine, showing me the ful extent of his determination. But I’m determined too, and Lotus’s instructions were crystal clear: It’s my journey—my destiny—Damen is not welcome there. And I can’t help but think that there’s a reason for that—I can’t help but think that maybe this time, it’s up to me to protect him by insisting I go it alone. And I’m just about to say as much when he reaches across the table, reaches for my hand, and says, “Ever…” His voice cracking in a way that forces him to swal ow, clear his throat, and start again. “Ever, what if you don’t return?”
“Of course I’l return!” I practical y jettison out of my chair, sliding al the way to the edge, hardly believing he’d even think such a thing.
“Damen, I would never leave you! Sheesh, is that what’s got you so upset?”
“No,” he says, voice steadier now. “I was thinking more along the lines of: What if you can’t come back? What if you get trapped? Lost in the muck? What if you can’t find your way out?” His stricken gaze meets mine, and it’s clear that he’s already experiencing some imagined, future loss despite the fact that I’m stil here, stil sitting before him.
But it’s not like I don’t get it. In fact, I completely understand.
Having lost me so many previous times, he’s terrified at losing me again just when he was sure he had me for eternity. The sheer depth of his emotion robbing me of breath, leaving me speechless, humbled, with no easy reply, no easy way to comfort him.
“It won’t happen,” I final y say, hoping to convince. “You and I are meant to be. It’s the only thing I’m absolutely sure of. And while I have no idea what to expect, I promise I’l do whatever it takes to find my way back. Seriously, Damen, nothing can keep us apart—or at least not for long. But for now, I have to go. And I have to go it alone, Lotus was clear about that. So please, please just let me do this, please just let me see where this leads. I can’t rest until I try. And while I know it’s a lot to ask, I real y wish you would try to understand. And if you can’t do that, then I wish you’d at least try to support me. Can you do that?”
But even though my voice practical y pleads with him to look at me, to respond in some way, he continues to sit in silence, lost in his own mental scenery.
Choosing to take a wild leap of faith and hoping he’l come along for the ride, I add, “Damen, I know how you feel, believe me I do. But I can’t help thinking there’s more to our story. An entire lifetime we’re both completely unaware of. I think it’s the clue, or maybe the key, as Lotus put it. The key that’l lead us to the reason behind al of the obstacles we’ve been plagued with for al of these centuries, including the one we face now.”