Double Dealing: A Menage Romance(16)

"So when Mom started taking me to a music teacher, I figured it was just part of normal life. I was two the first time I held a violin, a little plastic replica that didn't even play notes, but was used by my teacher to teach the basic holds and poses for nearly six months while I pretended to stroke on the non-existent strings. After that, I was doing violin practice an hour or more a day nearly every day of the week."

"That sounds intense," Felix said, and I had to agree with him. While Father insisted we learn to appreciate music, he never pushed lessons that strictly. I'd picked up my first guitar when I was eight, and it was true I could play a decent tune, but I was nowhere near a professional. "Did you enjoy it?"

"At first, I did," Jordan said, half smiling. "I mean, I got lots of praise from my teacher, who gave me a little candy at the end of every lesson, and it was kind of cool to play along with the CD or with everyone else. I'd say up until the time I was seven or eight, I enjoyed the violin all the time."

"What changed?" Felix asked. I could hear in his voice, he was really listening, which in some ways made me jealous. My brother never listened to me like he was listening to Jordan at that moment unless we were discussing the details of a job.

"When Mom decided that I was getting good enough to follow in her footsteps," Jordan said softly. "I did my first audition for a real group when I was nine, followed by my first trip to a bigger music center when I was ten. By the time I was in high school, I hated the violin with a passion, but something else had taken hold of me that kept me going."

"What's that?" I asked, jumping in before Felix could.

"Fame. This was about the time that Bond was making a splash because of Youtube and, let's face it, they were hot women playing violins and stuff, so I thought I could follow in their footsteps. When I was in high school, I did a tryout for the Children's Orchestra Society's Young Symphonic Ensemble. It's one of the best youth orchestras in North America, and they've had a program going for nearly fifty years. I was full of big dreams, mostly about being one of the names on the poster outside the marquee, maybe even becoming the next big crossover violinist.”

"I practiced hard for the audition, but my mother was even more into it than I was. For an entire two months before the tryout, she had me practicing ten, twelve hours a day. She even pulled me out of school after lunch each day to have me drill. Even in my sleep, I was seeing musical notes and bars."

“Sounds like a recipe for disaster," Felix said.

Jordan nodded, and I had to admit I felt a flare of jealousy at the look of understanding she gave him. I couldn’t help it, but my brother and I had a rivalry that ran deep. Besides, I’m the one who’d just gave her the f*ck of her life — at least, she sounded like she enjoyed it.

“You're right of course, in hindsight, Felix. But at the time, I was blinded by the idea of fame and fortune, while my mother . . . I think she was blinded by the opportunity for her daughter to do what she never did. The two of us charged full speed ahead. And then, the day of the audition, I was sitting in the wings of the audition hall, listening to the person before me, and the only thing I could think of was that I was nowhere near as good as them. I mean, I worked hard, and there was no way I was as good as this person. It was like a good high school player trying to step on the court with Kobe Bryant or something. Then I looked in, and I swear to God the girl playing couldn't have been older than ten or eleven, playing from memory. She finished this masterful rendition of Ernst's Variations on "The Last Rose of Summer," and just bows and walks out like nothing happened."

Felix whistled between his teeth, and I looked over, feeling like a dumbass. "What?"

"It's one of the most difficult violin solos in the world," Felix told me.

"Damn," I muttered under my breath. "And you had to go on after that?"

Jordan nodded. "I went out there on stage, sat down, and just froze. I mean, my bow never moved from the start position, and all I could do was sit there, looking at my strings, not even moving. The next thing I know, I'm looking into someone's face who's patting my cheek. I’d passed out, collapsing out of my chair and actually breaking my violin. They had to take me to the doctor to remove the last of the splinters from my side."

"Jesus," Felix whispered under his breath. "So that’s why no longer play."

I looked from Felix to Jordan and even I could feel the surge that passed between them. It was the feeling that there was a level of understanding, a connection that deep in my brain a voice whispered I would never fully understand.

"That's the reason," Jordan said, continuing her story. "After that, I just couldn't do it anymore. If I even looked at a violin for the next year, I went into trembles. I'd been messing around with the guitar for a few years prior to that, and I found that I had more affinity for it anyway. When I finished high school, I moved out here. Despite my parents objecting, I came out to Los Angeles to seek my fame and fortune. What was supposed to be a six-month dream chase has turned into seven years of up and down work. When my parents died, I just didn't see the need to go back to St. Louis."

"I think it is our turn now," Felix said, looking at Jordan's face. I agreed with him, her eyes were haunted by more than just the memories of a bad audition. There were years of pain and rejection written on her face, of bearing burdens that were nearly unbearable. "What would you like to hear about?"