Dominance Never Dies (Masters and Mercenaries #11)(95)

“Being tortured and perverted for some crazy doctor’s experiments was worse than thinking he was dead?” Erin didn’t prevaricate.

“Yeah, I guess. I guess I didn’t want you to have to think about what could be happening.” It was all he’d been able to do except for those few soft moments when Mia had been in his arms.

Erin walked to the sliding glass door that led out to her backyard and stared out. The moon was full, offering some illumination to the darkened room. “I wonder if she’s managed to convince Theo he’s in love with her. It’s rape, you know. She’s raping his mind. I wonder if she’s raped his body, too.”

Yes. That was one of the things he’d wondered about as well, one of the dark scenarios that had run through his brain. Mia’s report had kind of put it to rest. “He calls her Mother.”

“I know. I looked through the report Mia wrote while I fed TJ. I’ve gotten good at doing things one handed with a baby hanging off my boob.” She glanced back. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll love him no matter what’s gone on. If he screws a hundred women while he’s out of his head, I’ll welcome him back into our bed after a healthy STD check. The only thing that matters is he’s alive.”

“I didn’t want you to worry about him.”

“That’s because you’re a dumbass.” She turned. “I get to worry about him. I get to think about him. I get to hope for him. I get to be anxious about whether or not he’ll still love me when he comes home. Earlier tonight I thought about how my boobs aren’t what they used to be and I’ve got stretch marks. Stupid things. Inconsequential things. And I get to worry about them because he’s alive. I know he’s going through hell and I’m going to ask him to go through more, to take all the pain they give him, anything he has to so he can come home and be with me and meet his son. God, Case, I fought him so hard because I thought I wasn’t good enough for him.”

“He thought you were too good for him, too tough and smart.”

She laughed, but there were tears in there, too. “I was a bitch to him but that was my armor. When he died, I thought I was being punished. It’s funny how arrogant we can be at times. To think the world revolves around us, that the universe chooses us, selects us for punishment or reward. I spent years with my first husband, taking his shit because I didn’t know how else to be. I wasn’t woman enough for him.”

She never talked about her husband. Case knew she’d been divorced, but not the hows or whys. “He was obviously a dick.”

“He was quite awful and I took it for as long as I could and then I wouldn’t take shit from anyone for a long time. But Theo wouldn’t let go.” She sighed and sat down in the chair that had been Theo’s, the old recliner Case knew they’d fought over because it was pretty much a piece of crap. Erin always sat there now. “He would call me. I wouldn’t answer. At first he would hang up and try again later, but when he figured out I was ducking him, he started leaving these messages.”

“I told him he was wasting his time.” Theo would stop what he was doing in order to call a woman who claimed to not want to have anything to do with him. “I always thought you were going to hit him with a harassment suit.”

“No. The messages he left…there was nothing sexual about them. He didn’t ask me for anything. He told me about his day and then said he wished he knew how mine had gone and he told me good-night. I listened to them about a hundred times. I didn’t reply or anything. I deleted them after a while because I thought I was fooling myself. I deleted all of them, but I listened to them. Do you have any idea what I would give to have those messages? To hear his voice telling me good-night, sweetheart?”

“I miss him, too. It’s why I…it’s why I was so awful to Mia. He was right there. I could have reached out and grabbed him.”

“We don’t make the best choices when our loved ones are in danger. I want you to think about the fact that she’d already seen you get shot and then she likely had seconds to decide if she wanted to send you into danger again.”

He’d done nothing but think about that moment for days. “I need to apologize.”

“Oh, you need to grovel. You need to man up and use every resource you have available to get that girl back. You know how to run an op. What’s the first thing you do?”

“Decide on my objective, take stock of my assets. I’ve learned I need to carefully review all my assets because oftentimes the inherent value isn’t on the surface.” Ten had drilled it into him. Case had been the leader on Ten’s team, but Theo seemed more comfortable with Ian. Again, he’d made a mistake by not carefully thinking things through. He couldn’t go storming into her life. He had to think, had to figure out how to be the man she needed. “I need to make things right with her brothers, too.”

“Yes, you do, but I think you’ll find they’re the easy ones.” She sat back. “He’s out there. He’s here on the same planet, sharing the same air. We’re going to get him back.”

He sat down across from her. “I will do everything I can. I promise you that. But Erin, you need to understand that the Theo I bring back might not be the one who left.”

“You find his body. Bring it to me and TJ and I…we’ll find his soul.”