Defiance (The Protectors #9)(44)

“Nate-”

“Here, Vincent. Just like this. Please.”

He’d had me at Vincent, but I didn’t tell him that. Instead, I nodded and then I leaned down to seal my mouth over his.





Chapter 15





Nathan





I was scared shitless. There was just no way around it. Because I knew what I was asking for. And there would be no coming back from it.

I hoped that Vincent couldn’t feel the nerves that were threatening to consume me. It was humiliating enough to be the singular person in this encounter who had no clue what to expect. And if it turned out to be anything like the first time I’d had sex with a girl, I wasn’t sure what I’d do.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Vincent murmured against my mouth.

“Noth…nothing,” I stammered.

“You’re shaking like a leaf. And while I’m good, I’m not that good,” he said with a small smile as he placed soft kisses along my jaw.

I doubted that, because I knew part of the reason I was shaking so bad was because of what he was doing to me. Even the mere act of his heavy weight pressing me into the cool, soft grass had all my cylinders firing. Add in the drugging kisses and I was pretty much a goner. If I hadn’t been clueless as to what to do next, I would have jumped him for sure.

His lightness caught me off guard, so I didn’t have time to shore up my defenses.

“I was thinking about my first time.” At his questioning look, I quickly said, “With a girl.”

A light rumble of laughter went through him. “I’m definitely losing my touch.”

It took me a moment to realize what he was saying, and I let out a bark of laughter as I realized what my statement must have sounded like. The humor helped ease some of the tension, and I flopped my head back on the grass and closed my eyes.

“Sorry,” I muttered. “I’m messing this up.”

Vincent suddenly ground his hips against mine, causing our cocks to slide over one another. I let out a sharp moan.

“Unless you tell me to fuck off, I’m not going anywhere.” His fingers skirted through my hair and then he kissed me again. “Talk to me, Nate.”

I sighed. This definitely wasn’t the way I’d thought this would go. With me about to spill the details about one of the most humiliating nights of my life. “When Brody came out to me, he told me what losing his virginity to his girlfriend had been like. He was so upset about it.” Since I didn’t want to get into the details of that night, I bypassed the rest of the conversation I’d had with Brody and said, “What he said stuck with me for a long time. I kept putting off having sex with my high school girlfriend – I always had some excuse– I was too busy with football or some academic event or church obligations. I didn’t actually go through with it until I was in college. Sophomore year. I thought once I got into it more, it would be okay…that my body would start acting…normal.”

I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. “Nothing she did got me…hard. So, she suggested we watch some porn.”

As I spoke, Vincent lifted off me enough so he could put some of his weight on his bent arm. His finger kept stroking up and down my cheek, occasionally straying to my lips. It helped relax me, though I couldn’t look him in the eye as I talked.

“The porn worked, but not for the right reasons.”

“You were watching the guy, and not the girl.”

I swallowed past the lump in my throat and nodded. “I made her leave the video running so I could watch…him. It was the only thing that made it bearable.” Tears pricked the backs of my eyes as I said, “Afterwards I finally understood what Brody had been trying to tell me. It felt like I’d been…” I choked back a sob and then Vincent was leaning over me, pressing his forehead against mine.

“It’s okay, baby,” he said softly.

The endearment had me turning into him and burying my face against his chest. I felt his hand come up to cradle the back of my head. I managed to stifle the gut-wrenching sobs that were threatening to consume me, but when Vincent kissed my temple and said, “Let it out, Nate,” I was helpless to stop any of it. I clutched his shirt between my fingers as I sobbed into the fabric, soaking it within a matter of seconds. Vincent kept murmuring things in my ear, but I couldn’t really make out the words.

But it didn’t matter. I had what I needed.

Permission.

To feel.

To rage.

To accept.

At some point after the worst had passed, Vincent eased me onto my back and used his fingers to skim my face. “What am I going to do with you?” he whispered, and then his mouth closed over mine. The kiss was sweet and tender and didn’t last long. “Let’s go inside. We don’t have to do this tonight.”

He was giving me an out that part of me wanted to take, but it was the part of me that was scared to take this final step. This step where I’d finally be admitting who I really was. It was something I couldn’t come back from, and it would change my life forever. I’d hidden for so long because I hadn’t been as strong and as brave as my brother. I wasn’t sure that had changed. But looking up at Vincent, seeing the patience and tenderness in his normally hard eyes, feeling his weight pressing me into the hard earth…how could I not want this? How could I not want this feeling of rightness in my life? Yes, it would change everything, but the reality was, I’d already started to change. It had begun the night I’d cast the person I loved more than anything in this world out of my life.