Deathtrap (Crossbreed #3)(109)
“I’m also a crossbreed.”
“I’ve come to terms with that. Have you? Because I think it’s time you realize how remarkable your Vampire nature is. The part of you that you’re afraid of is the part that draws me nearer to you.”
My breath caught. “Why are you saying all this? Getting a compliment out of you is like pulling teeth.”
Instant regret flashed in his eyes.
“Wait a minute. I know what’s going on here. You’re going to scrub my memory, aren’t you?” I pushed him away, putting distance between us. “You can’t just write all over me like a chalkboard and erase whatever you say. I don’t want you in my head.”
“You can’t remember any of this, Raven.”
“You gave me your word you’d never fuck with my head again. This isn’t like the last time; I’m not going to walk away from my job because of this attraction between us.”
“It’s already changed things, but I had to get it off my chest. I can make this conversation disappear so it won’t vex you. Do you really think we can work together after this?”
I shrugged. “I can.”
He wiped his hand down his mouth. “I don’t know what the feck I’m doing. I get all soft when I see a woman weeping over her mother’s grave.”
“Don’t pretend like you said any of this because you felt sorry for me.” I looked right at him, but he avoided eye contact. “I thought we were going to be honest with each other?”
“If you remember this conversation, you’ll regret it.”
We both stood still as the wind blew. Christian was guarded with his emotions, and not being able to scrub my memory of his admission must have been a painful blow to his ego. But if this Vampire was willing to admit he felt something for me, then maybe he needed more than my silence or reproach. “If you’re afraid that your feelings are just a one-way street, they’re not.”
His eyes darted up.
“I don’t really know what this is, but I feel something for you I’ve never felt with another man. It’s the same feeling like when we jumped off that bridge. Fear, excitement, and not being in control of what’s going to happen. Maybe it’s because we’re more alike than different, or maybe it’s because you don’t get mad when I play jokes on you. I have strong feelings for you, Christian. Feelings that could go somewhere. But…”
“But?”
“A man will have to conquer my heart if he wants it. There’s no halfway with me. That’s how people get hurt. I can’t commit to someone who isn’t sure how he feels about me or how far he’s willing to go. That’s what happened to my parents. Commitment isn’t a norm in my life, and clearly it’s not in yours. Having feelings is one thing, but you’re not ready, and you probably never will be. I’m not even sure if I’m capable of that kind of love. But I’m not going to hold it against you. Let’s not forget this. Let’s just see where it goes and try to get through it without hurting each other.”
“That’s the saddest oath I’ve ever heard.”
I gave him a mirthless smile. “We’re immortal, so marriage isn’t exactly the endgame.”
“And why not?”
“Do you really think you can spend an eternity with just one person? And besides, I’ll never marry someone who doesn’t ask for my father’s permission.”
Christian cocked his head to the side. “Your da isn’t getting any younger. Not to mention he thinks you’re dead.”
“That’s not my problem.”
“You’re making bold assumptions about me, Raven. I never said I wanted to marry you.”
“Then what do you want?”
His eyes darkened. “It’s what I don’t want. I don’t want to see you with another man. I don’t want anyone else to taste your blood, to kiss your lips or put his hands on your body. I don’t want you to look at anyone else with the same look that you’re giving me right now.”
I gave it a little thought. I’d never considered myself a traditional girl by any means, and this was a new journey I was embarking on with its own set of rules. “I can live with that.”
He shook his head and took a step forward. “You deserve better. You should find yourself a good man, not one with a wounded heart made of stone.”
I huffed out a laugh. “What would a good man want with a woman who’s killed for sport? Don’t try so hard to talk me out of this. What are you so afraid of? That I’ll find out you’re not a man who just sees women as sex objects? A man who’s repeatedly saved my life can’t be all bad.”
“Aye, my heart has always been my weakness. But make no mistake, Raven. I’m a cold man. I’m broken beyond repair. There are things I have done in my life that no woman could overlook. I’m far too rough around the edges for anyone’s liking, and I’m cynical. I’ve seen love ruin men, and I’ve never had much luck with it myself. You don’t really know me like you think you do. I’m too dark for anyone to love.”
“Let’s not have a contest on who has the blacker soul. I might actually win.”
My hair whipped wildly around me.
Christian gathered it together and tucked it behind my ears before cradling my neck. “What do you ask of me?”