Dear Aaron(92)

But he didn’t. “Like you said, shit I can’t control. Could never control. I go back and replay things from years ago and wonder what I could have done differently.”

I didn’t want to interrupt him, but at the same time I had a dozen questions I wanted to ask him. The problem was, I’d realized that while I wouldn’t call him secretive, there were a lot of things he didn’t want to talk about. Things he actively avoided. As much as I might want to know, I didn’t want to force him to do something he didn’t want to do. I hated when people did that to me, so I kept my mouth shut as he kept going.

“I think about what the hell I want to do and then think about how I don’t know what that is.”

“What do you mean?” I couldn’t help but ask.

His chest rose and fell, and he glanced back at the ceiling, his body language trying to tell me this was casual, but I knew it wasn’t. “I don’t know what I want to do when I get out, or even if I want to get out,” he explained, and I figured he was talking about the army. “The idea of… failing… of not figuring things out really messes with me.”

I must have reared back at his comment. “If you’re a failure, I am too. But we’re not.” Maybe I was, but I couldn’t admit that right then.

He shook his head in this way that seemed a little too resigned for me, and when he went back to his tactic of changing the subject, it made my skin ache. “I’ve stopped trying to look forward to things too, and I don’t know when that started.”

Was that the sound of my heart breaking?

Aaron still wasn’t looking in my direction as he continued. “I want to, you know? I want to be excited about things, but it’s hard. I expect the worst all the time. I know I’ve told you before I don’t like to focus too much on the future, but sometimes when all you can focus on is what’s going on right now… it’s tough. It’s all kind of one giant thing. Not knowing what I want to do, not being able to look forward to what’s to come. I just need to figure it out. I will, I’m just tired I guess,” he tried to explain, his tone a little tired, a little glum. That blond head of hair rolled to the side and Aaron widened his eyes, shaking his head like he could just shake off his thoughts and mood. “I’m a blast to be around, huh?”

His words were sarcastic, but I knew he didn’t mean them to be rude. So I told him, trying to stay broad with my statement because his words weighed down on me so much, “I wouldn’t call you a party. You’d be more like the bartender at the party, making sure everyone else was having a good time,” I tried to joke. “I’m not the best person to give you life advice or anything, but I get it, to a certain point, what you mean. Everyone needs something to look forward to. You don’t have to live your life anticipating the future or dreading it, but you can have these little things you look forward to every day. I know you’ll figure everything out. You don’t have to do it right now.

“I hated high school,” I confessed. “The only way I got through it was because of my friends. I’d look forward to eating lunch with them and planning what we’d do that weekend. I hated college too, and the only reason I finished it was because I kept telling myself that the faster I passed my classes, the faster I’d get out of there and do what I really wanted to do. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Mahogany eyes lingered on me for a moment, looking too thoughtful.

“Anything can happen any time, Aaron. You have to take what you can get when you can get it,” I said to him, giving him a smile that I hoped he appreciated.

There was something about his nod that made me feel like there was so much about him I still didn’t completely understand, and maybe I never would. And it wasn’t my place or my responsibility, and it sure wasn’t a good idea, but I reached across the sofa and covered the top of his hand, which had been resting on his chest, with mine. And I squeezed it.

And I told him, “You can start small. Look forward to… the smell of fresh coffee. The smell of a pizza you’ll have for dinner. The way nice, clean, cool sheets feel when you crawl into them.” I squeezed his hand and made sure those brown eyes were on me when I told him, “Plumbing.”

The smile that came over his face at my last word was worth… everything. Everything in my kingdom for that smile. I’d never felt more powerful in my life than I did in that moment.

And then, like he hadn’t just slayed me, Aaron murmured, “Have I told you today that I’m glad you’re here?”

“Not today.”

He spread his fingers and laced them through mine, still smiling. “In that case, I’m really glad you’re here, Ru.”

It shouldn’t ever surprise me why I was so caught up with him. It really shouldn’t. Who else would ever be half as warm and kind and funny as this man beside me? I should be grateful he treated me the way that he did when all that was between us was friendship. How would he be with a girlfriend?

The brush of his thumb along the side of my hand had me snapping out of my daydreaming. “You never told me you finished college or what you went to school for.”

“Oh.” I scrunched up my nose. “I did. Accounting.”

He blinked. “Accounting?”

“Yeah. It’s what my mom and dad both went to school for. I didn’t know what else to study, and I’m not too horrible with numbers.”