Dead of Winter (The Arcana Chronicles #3)(32)

“Between Karen and me, we knew just enough about pills to be dangerous. There used to be a dealer down in the bayou. Before you woke, I rode out and fetched his stash.”

“So during that dinner, both of you knew what was going to happen when I went to bed. I never suspected a thing from your behavior.” Dee-vee-oh.

“I tried to make it nice for her.”

“So she . . . OD’d? There wasn’t”—I swallowed—“you didn’t use a pillow?”

Jack blanched under his bruises. “She asked me to. Dawn was coming, the army with it. And she was afraid you’d wake up before the dose took hold. I asked her to give it time, distracting her with questions about you.”

While I’d slept soundly.

“Christ, I wanted those pills to work, couldn’t imagine hurting her like that. But so much was at stake, I suspect . . . I think I would have. She believed I could, told me so.” He tipped that flask up. “I doan know what that says about her—or me.”

Eyes watering, I surveyed Jack’s face. How haunted he was! My mom had sacrificed everything to save me, but at what cost? She’d used a teenage boy to help her die.

I couldn’t hate him. Just the opposite.

He’d saved my life and ended my mother’s suffering, when I’d been stupidly holding out hope. He’d spared her the horror of a violent passing and stayed with her to the very end.

Matthew’s words: “Whenever he helps, he hurts.”

Jack had helped and been hurt.

I’d so long associated him with grief because of his involvement in her death.

That association faded to nothing.

“In the end, I think the pills took her by surprise. She was looking at that picture of you, her, and your grand-mère. She was half-smiling, half-crying—like she was happy for sixteen years with you, but terrified about your future. No room for her to be afraid for herself, no. I told her I’d take care of you for as long as I could. Then her eyes just . . . slid shut.”

Now I knew. Now I had closure. As Jack had once told me, my mother “died in grace.”

“Evie, what will it take to get you to forgive me?”

I swiped a sleeve over my eyes. “I forgive you. I have no doubt that my mother would’ve done it anyway. Because of you, she went peacefully.” My voice broke. “Because of you, she wasn’t alone.”

“But . . .”

“But I don’t know how I can trust you. You’re really skilled at lying. It’s like an Arcana talent of yours or something.” When Jack had first come to Haven after the Flash, I’d distrusted him fiercely. I felt the same way now.

He shot to his feet, started pacing. “I didn’t want to lie!”

“There’s a pattern. You wanted to look in my journal, so you stole it. You wanted to know about the Arcana, so you listened to my story on that tape. You demand honesty and disclosure from me, but give me neither in return.”

He pinned my gaze with his frenzied one. “I will never lie to you again!”

“How can I believe that?” I cried, standing as well. “Already we have a new unknown between us—what the Lovers did to you.”

“I’ll tell you right now: I got more secrets, me. A whole mess of ’em. And some are goan to the grave with me. You’re just goan to have to accept that.”

If we kept his secrets buried, then couldn’t I bury my own?

No. Not telling him about Aric would be as good as lying. Eventually, I’d have to.

He drew closer, until he was staring down at me. “All my life I’ve dug at mysteries, solved puzzles. If the twins taught me anything, I learned that some things doan need to be known. That they’re even uglier when brought to light.”

The Priestess’s words filtered into my brain. Mysteries brought to light. In a way, she and Jack were similar—

“Do you love me?” His blunt question took me off guard.

Total honesty? I swallowed. “Yes.”

His eyes briefly slid shut. I thought some of his tension would fade, but it redoubled. “Good. Then you’re goan to accept my secrets—and me. Because I can’t keep doing this without you.”

“This?” We were toe to toe, breathing heavily.

“This, Evie. Life after the Flash. Fighting for something better.” He tangled one hand through my hair, cupping my head. “It’s you for me. Or it’s nothing.” Holding me tightly, he slanted his mouth over mine.

A hint of whiskey met my tongue—like a match to dry kindling. Lust slammed into me, as if we’d trained my body to react to that sense memory.

He pulled me even closer against him, coaxing me to kiss back. I’d missed him so much! With a moan I did, wrapping my arms around his neck.

He groaned with pleasure—and relief?

I melted from the heat of his body against mine, trying to breathe him into me. We’d only been together once. We deserved another time like our first. He deserved to feel at peace afterward.

What was to stop us . . . ?

Death. What I’d done with Aric. To Aric.

Somehow I managed to draw back. “I have to talk to you.” I would explain, make him understand.

He leaned in, pressing kisses to my neck in his toe-curling way. “I missed you, Evangeline. So goddamned much. When you wanted nothing to do with me . . .” He gave a shuddering exhalation against my damp skin. “Thought I’d go mad, me.”